Quotes [new quotes]
Love is a wonderful, beautiful thing. But when you fall in love, and I mean, really, for sure I-will-die-for that person kind of love, and when you look into their past and try as you might, as hard as you may resist, jealousy of those that have been before you start to possess you and threaten to take hold of your logic, your reasoning and your sense of security. Having it there, the knowledge that there were others before you, and One that preceded all the others is already a scratch on the surface. But to allow yourself to be consumed by jealousy is like a wound that refuses to close but instead, bubbles and boils, threatening to marr the surface of your skin further. It begins to corrode your confidence, festering in your person like some vile green virus that mutates as you find more excuses to indulge in it. We're all guilty of it, at one time or another, at some point in our lives. I know I am. Like I am right now.
I love him. I found the love of my life when I had almost given up hope. I made many imprudent choices when it came to men in my past as well. But I failed some of them and some of them failed me. I know now that I wasn't meant for them and neither were they meant for me. (It's always on hindsight. Sigh). And then I met him, him who skimmed the surface of my existence for the last few years and likewise, I skimmed his. For we knew of each other's presence but never ventured to explore a possibility of togetherness. We had too many preoccupations, too many distractions in our lives that demanded for more of our attention. But as it came to past, we discovered. And as a woman who gives birth after hours of hard labour and innumerous contractions and looks upon her newborn for the first time and envisions the future of growing up together, I embraced this relationship with the same wonder and the same sense of fulfillment. I found my Neo. And he loved me too. And we came home to each other.
Sounds like a fairy tale doesn't it? Well, looking back, I think so too. But in true fashion of a modern day fairy tale, we had to go through very hard times to just be with each other. Think Pretty Woman. Hooker with a soul and lots of heart but a hooker nonetheless. Plying her trade, selling the body to those who sought temporary relief and imaginary love. I not only sold my body, but along with my mind and heart and soul. All in exchange for love. Or so I thought. I have come to see now that it is not an exchange; it is not a compromise; it's about complement. These days, it's somewhere between heaven and bliss. But that's also where the real deal comes in. To allow true love to fully run its course takes a lot of work. A lot. I say this because, and those of you in the know will agree with me, after finding each other, it doesn't stop there. There's the starting point.
The more time you spend with each other, the more you find out about traits, habits, disturbing toilet behaviour and… drum roll please… The Ex(es). There's usually more than one but the one that bugs us the most, the one that releases our chained inner demon is THAT one. You know the one. He loved her Best, Last but pray-with-all-your-heart-never Always. And she broke his heart. She. Her. The reason for him being your boyfriend now. The purpose for me writing this now is to purge my own inner green demon. You see, my boyfriend becomes very articulate in his choice of words when he's sad and depressed, especially on paper. The language flows out of him, like in his own words," …blood oozing out from an open wound." That's his way of dealing with pain. It is his personal exorcism, just like this is mine. Except that I write when I happy too. Or have many many thoughts running through my head that if I don't write it down, will plague me till migraine comes.
As I mentioned, he writes to heal himself and he does so online. I know because he told me. Even before we became a couple. I have read them. All of them. And honestly, I feel his pain in his words because I have gone through similar experiences. I feel sad and I understand the loneliness, the questioning, the heartbreak. I remember my own. Until realization sets in that this is my boyfriend I am reading about and that's him expressing his love and sense of loss and worthlessness for someone else. My monster rattles the chains and tugs at his bonds. "Set free!" starts to resound in my head and my forehead creases into botox worthy wrinkles and my lips starts to clamp together and all facial muscles suddenly start being extremely sensitive to gravity. Not a pretty sight.
I slip up a bit and feelings of uncertainty inch to the surface. "He loved her so much. He's in so much pain. Am I a substitute to fill the void? How could he call her his soul mate? What does that make me? Did he really mean it that he would give anything just to be with her again? Does he long for her sometimes when he's with me? Am I good enough?" Stuff like that. Poisonous fumes fanning the olive flames of jealousy and in return, resentment laboriously diligent, piling brick after brick of unreasonable anger and the monster breaks free. He crushes Logic, Calm and Reason with a single stomp and wrecks havoc with my mind. This little scene is what I play in my mind with a two-dimensional cartoon cast that strangely resembles the PowerPuff Girls and Mojo Jojo.
After having let the monster roam free for a while, the Girls fight back and Heart comes forward to aid them. "I know I know I know! I know that he loves me. I know that's the past. I know that I'm his future and not her. I know she was the evil bitch that cheated on him and broke his heart. I know all this. But I can't help feeling this way now. But underneath it all, I know I'm being crazy because they are no longer in contact and what he wrote was a long while ago. I know." I take stock and escort the little green bugger back to his dungeon where he will kick and whine before settling down and my blood pressure returns to normal..
This is what happens to me when I get jealous and what I am trying to say here is that always remember where you are now. Take stock. Guide yourself through and it will simmer down. Let it loose could make everyone unhappy. Remember the things that you're supposed to remember. How hard it was to find each other, let alone, be with each other. Remember that if it were not for his ex girlfriend, he would not have been the man as you know now. He learnt some lessons there, just like you did, just like I did. We all came out of our broken relationships with a clearer sense of self and wisdom. And we also develop a greater appreciation of a relationship and what it can be, if we allow it to develop so. Doubt not yourself and your self worth but look at what your relationship means to you NOW.
He shared with me about his past and he opened up to me when he did not have to. And likewise, I opened up as well. I will continue to try to rein in the monster when I can and not use his sharing against him because to do so degrades the trust he put in me. I am human after all, and worse, a girl. I could use it as an excuse but I won't. To hang on to the past or even mine means that we cannot go forth together because I'm still hung up about what has gone before. How can I then enjoy and savor the present? How can I even envision a future then? Past is best dead and buried with a large wreath that reads R.I.P. Like the phoenix that rises up from it own ashes, when a part of you dies in a relationship, you are reborn in the next. That does not mean you don't remember the past but that means you're older, wiser and more beautiful than you used to be. Going green should be best left to the environmentalists.
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