My Favorite Valentine
For me there has been only one Valentineís Day worthy of name. Fourth year. A nine-year-old girl named Lori. No Valentineís Day since has even come close to measuring up.
Her image has never left my mind and sometime around last Valentineís Day the idea got stuck in my head: I needed to find Lori.
The situation is complicated. First, Loriís older brother, Ted, happens to be my best friend. Second, I am grotesquely bashful in Loriís presence. In the company of friends I am a sparkling wit. With Lori I communicate chiefly in grunts. Although she is always sweet to me, Loriís heart does not appear to pound to the same desperate rhythm as my own.
The whole thing comes to a head on Valentineís Day. In class, kids pass out store-bought cards, and I get a generic "Be Mine!" from Lori and the other 25 students.
On the walk home from the bus stop that day, however, Lori says, "I have something for you." I go numb. She pulls an oversized red envelope from her school bag, presses it into my hand and takes off running.
I rush to my bedroom, carefully open the envelope and find the most beautiful handmade card of red construction paper, with a big white doily, shiny stars and all sorts of hearts. Inside, Lori has spelled out "I love you" in white glue and covered the perfect cursive letters with glitter. After reading it 30 or 40 times, I hide the card under my socks.
Lori and I might be married now for all I know - if not for one extenuating factor: my older brother, Mike, Pawing through my dresser that evening, he stumbled upon he envelope.
Now Mike was a sixth-year student, given to the sort of cruelty that earns big brothers bad reputations. He showed Loriís card to Ted and some other kids in the neighbourhood. The commotion that ensued mortified Lori and me, and pretty much crushed any major development in this early love.
Then my father announced that we would be moving to Alaska. I suggested that I stay behind and live in an orphanage. But in the end there was little I could do.
At school Miss Lockhart organized a good-bye party. All I could do was stare at Lori - who, for the first time since Valentineís Day, stared back at me with great liquid eyes.
On the bus Lori sat next to me and clasped my hand the entire way home. At my door I searched for words to describe the terrific bursting in my chest.
"Well," I finally managed, "bye." Lori kissed me on the cheek and darted across the street. Just like that, she was gone.
Phone calls to the old school and past acquaintances turned up nothing. Then a lawyer suggested a company that locates hard-to-find individuals. Within an hour of my call, the company had located Lori.
Until then, my pursuit had been half based on whimsical fantasy, but the address was a frighteningly real piece of information. Do I really want to do this? Is it worth risking one of my most sacrosanct memories for disappointment? But it would be stupid to finally get this close to Lori and then stand on the precipice, forever wondering.
"Dear Lori," my letter began, "I hope you havenít forgotten me." An entire afternoon was spent on that letter. I mailed it for overnight delivery.
The phone ran the next evening. "Of course I remember!" the voice began.
"You had a dog named Walter."
"You wore an Oakland Raiders jacket to school every day, even when it was too warm for a jacket."
"You slugged a kid at the bus top once for making fun of me when I had the chickenpox."
We talked for an hour and laughed about what jerks our brothers were to us. Somewhere in the conversation she got around to her job and her husband and her two sons. I reviewed the high points of my life, and she seemed genuinely interested. She agreed to meet me at a restaurant the following week.
"You are Mr. Thompson?" asks the waiter at the restaurant. I nod. "A message from Lori. With regret she will be one hour late."
Outside, I walk around the block inventing a hundred explanations for Loriís delay: She had to work late. Could not find a sitter. A row with her husband, an insane rage-a-holic who has vowed to crush my spleen.
At once I am overtaken with a great epiphany: I donít need to go through with this to satisfy my curiosity about what might have been, I have known what I needed to know about Lori all along.
Nobody wants to find that two decades have muddied whatever connection there once might have been, not made it more heroic. That may be what life is all about, but itís not what childhood love affairs are about.
Not far from the restaurant, I find a stationery store and buy paper, envelopes, white glue and glitter. Sitting on a stoop, I write:
I'm sure we would have had a wonderful time tonight, but all I really wanted to do was say thanks for that Valentine card you gave me a long time ago. It may feel like a small gesture to you, but those are the gifts that sum up everything that is good in the world. I will never forget it.
I spelled Loriís name out in glue across the big red envelope, sprinkle gold glitter over it and wait for it to dry.
Back at the restaurant, I sealed the envelope with the most innocent kiss I can manage, place the card on our table and walk quietly out the door.