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Brother Harry Hardwick
Mesh Posted: Wed Sep 17 23:11:23 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Q: "In Germany, the Nazis first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, but I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to speak up for me."
- Martin Niemoeller, Berlin Lutheran pastor arrested by the Gestapo and
sent to Dachau concentration camp in 1938; the Allied forces freed him
seven years later.

A: Dear Odd Historian,

I heard a similar statement once, but with slightly different persecution cited. As I recall, it noted that, first, there were the Catholics with the countless people they slaughtered in the Crusades. Then, there were we, Protestants, with our rather murderous Inquisition. Then our somewhat blood-thirsty, "let's terrorize women" witch burnings. Then, Catholics and Protestants alike with racism. Then both groups with gay-baiting and bashing. Itís anyone's guess what group will be the target of Christians persecution next generation. Oh well, at least Falwell and Robertson don't have that disgusting little mustache (though, with his undeniable gluttony, Falwell does tend to walk with a goose step).

Praying we will always find some group to belittle and terrorize (always disguising our animosity by saying we don't hate them, just their acts--LOL!),
Brother Harry Hardwick
Landover Baptist Church (landoverbaptist.com)



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Q: If you could sell your soul to Satan, what would you want for it?
A: Dear Doomed, Inquisitive One,

I cannot agree with the others who have replied. With all due respect to *****, I think a doughnut is shooting a bit too low. In response to *****, I certainly wouldn't want to be Satan. I'm more of a winter person than a summer person. I have bad reactions to heat. And even though the climate in Hell is a dry heat (Humidity 0%), I would still find it unpleasant. Regarding *****ís answer, I certainly wouldn't want to be God. The sight of blood always makes me rather squeamish, and I find killing even bugs unpleasant. I cannot fathom slaughtering all the people God has over the years. I'm not criticizing Him, mind you -- to each His own, but striking down thousands upon thousands of people with plagues and pestilence just isn't my cup of tea.

The price tag for my soul would be "everything I would get from God as a saved Christian who followed all His commandments." That way, I could go to Heaven without having to sort through the myriad of seemingly unconscionable and inconsistent edicts to figure out what conduct is appropriate. I suppose if I'm in Heaven for eternity, my soul would be with me, but your question didn't say Satan has to take possession of my soul, just that he would buy it. So my request would essentially involve a deal whereby he would own it and I would lease it.

Praying all recognize that if the promise of eternal bliss were guaranteed without following the incomprehensible rules of the Good Book, religion as we know it would disappear,
Brother Harry Hardwick
Landover Baptist Church (landoverbaptist.com)



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Q: Honesty is a loose term in the Bible it seems. In Luke 23.39-43 Jesus promises a thief on the cross that "Today shalt thou be with me in paradise." Jesus told his disciples that he would be in the grave three days and three nights, not in paradise, and he told Mary in John 20.17 not to touch him, as he "had not yet ascended." Therefore he had not been in paradise that day. Please explain to me how Jesus did not lie here.
A: Dear Hell-bound Analyzer,

There is, of course, no answer, just as there is no rational explanation for most of God's mystery, romance and sci-fi thriller. What is even more disconcerting than what you have cited are Jesus' repeated admonitions, through his disciples, that He would be back to Earth in a jiffy, ready to take the apostles to Heaven (Revelation 3:11; 22:7, 12, 20). John told us the second coming "must shortly come to pass" and "the time is at hand" (Revelation 1:1, 3). In fact, John thought he was living in the End Times (1 John 2:18). Of course, just about every fire-and-brimstone preacher for the last 2,000 years has made the same prediction. You would think, since the Earth had supposedly only existed for 4,000 years by Jesus' time that Jesus would not view another 2,000 years as time "at hand" and something that would pass "shortly." Perhaps He's just running very late or, like so many of us, men, He's simply lost and too proud to ask for directions.

Praying all will recognize that the End Times now really are just around the corner,
Brother Harry Hardwick
Landover Baptist Church (landoverbaptist.com)



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Q: I was thinking about the meaning of life today, and imagined what life would have been like if, when we reached the age of accountability, someone said, "This is the meaning of life: x, y, and z," and that was in fact true.
That, in essence, would make life meaningless in the sense that none of us would be able to find or discover any meaning. The only way life can have ANY meaning is if it does NOT have any meaning - which is so utterly and simply perfect and paradoxical.

Your thoughts?

Warning: Anyone who uses the words "only," "one," "true," "God," "bow," "accept," "personal," "hell," "eternity," or any other "Polly wanna cracker" phraseology, will automatically get a 1.

A: Dear Inductive/Deductive Jokester,

As Christians, we simply must believe there is no meaning to life. Indeed, we were created solely because God was lonely. We are here purely for His amusement. After all, He is omnipotent and already knows everything we're going to do even before we do it. In fact, God knows this very moment who is going to encounter some horrendous, violent demise tomorrow, yet He will allow it to occur anyway because, as any good boxing fan will tell you, that's part of the entertainment. God also knows which of us are going to utter the passwords to Heaven and which of us are not, thereby ensuring the latter's eternal demise among fire and brimstone. I suppose that means His watching of our follies is much like our watching of a Lucy rerun for the umpteenth time. In essence, we are nothing but play actors with God as our audience. The ending, which God already knows, is happy for a few and cataclysmic for the vast majority, no matter how noble the characters they portray.

I must be a bit critical of you, dear child, for your ending admonition. To automatically award "1" for the use of certain terminology, notwithstanding the nature of its use, is almost as arbitrary as the reasons God has used to kill people and the reason He will plunge most into unending torture. I am confident, however, that you will rise above His fray and evaluate on a case-by-case basis.

Praying for last minute edits before the finale,
Brother Harry Hardwick
Landover Baptist Church (landoverbaptist.com)



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Q: You know I was reading an answer to one of the questions here, and there was a comment made to the effect of reading the bible with an open mind. My question is this:
If you DO read the bible with an open mind, and come to the conclusion it is not true, did you read the bible with an open mind?
A: Dear Tautology-Lover,

I don't know where you heard such utter nonsense, but whoever is the source should, under no circumstances, be trusted in the future. You must blindly accept the Bible by faith. Remember that an open mind is the devil's favorite toy. When you open your mind, Satan jumps right into your head and will show you countless contradictions, inconsistencies, absurdities and downright silliness present throughout the Good Book.

It is important that we not exercise any rational thought when reading the Bible, for such tends to make God look bad and the whole book look like something even Mother Goose would reject. After all, it was God's first published work, and there were no publication houses with editorial departments when it was written. Even God recognizes how outrageous and misanthropic is His first best seller, especially Paul's outrageous writings that condemn so many. The Bible tells us that its every word was inspired by God, Himself (2 Timothy 32:16). God knew Paul's ridiculous rantings (which He inspired) would make no sense, so He actually went to great pains to warn us that those who try to understand Paul's logic do so "unto their own destruction" (2 Peter 3:16). God also knew that people would start to "interpret" the Bible into something that wasn't so hateful and violent if given the chance, so He had John write near the end that anyone who adds or withdraws a single statement from the Bible (or at least its last book) will be destroyed (Revelation 22:18-19). Needless to say, God shuns philosophers and free thinkers, describing them as essentially evil (Colossians 2:8-9).

The bottom line is that, in order to have any real shot at Heaven, we must believe every word of the Bible and all its incredible pronouncements. The only way a rational person can believe such jibberish is to accept it by faith, without question. We must turn off our brains. Fortunately for many of the participants here, they were born with very little brain power in the first instance, hence blind deference isn't difficult for them. Of course, this means that the majority of True Christians will continue to be those who hang their wet clothes on the line separating their double wides from their neighbor's stills.

Praying all will recognize that a closed mind is the key to fundamentalist thought (a/k/a, the GOP platform),
Brother Harry Hardwick
Landover Baptist Church (landoverbaptist.com)



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Q: What is it about Christianity that makes Christians feel exempt from treating people with respect? How did Jesus' message get so garbled, get stood on its head, get downgraded to simply being "right"? I just don't get it, but I do know that visiting these boards is not worth darkening my day.
A: Dear Superficial Anal-Retentive One,

What do you expect from us? Consider what we are ordered to do in the Bible. If one of our neighbor's children is unruly, we are required to go to the townsquare and stone the child until he is dead (Deuteronomy 21:18-21). I have to wonder when was the last stoning in which you participated? Frankly, it's very difficult to be polite while literally beating the brains out of one's skull with rock pelting. Rest assured, my wife's pinky is always raised during a toss, but that's about as Emily Post as it can get. God also told us to murder homosexuals, witches, adulterers and every living being in any town we invade. He told us to take the women there as our slaves. I have found no way to enslave someone in a polite fashion (allowing them to remove all bracelets before slapping on the irons is the closest I've gotten). God wasn't particularly concerned about etiquette--unless, of course, it had to do with the way we slaughtered animals for Him. Then, his instructions were quite precise.

With the secular, liberal (a/k/a Satanic) laws of today, stoning is outlawed, so we must engage in persecution (always in the name of righteousness) in words, only. Rebuking just doesn't lend itself to good hosting. I suspect even Ann Landers would concur.

Praying that all men will at least remove their hats before hurling those rocks,
Brother Harry Hardwick
Landover Baptist Church (landoverbaptist.com)



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Q: Why do priest's issue prayer as punishement for sin during confession? I thought punishment was something you hated to do.
A: Dear Fellow Anti-Idol-Worshiper,

Like most Catholic rituals, this one has its origins in homosexuality. Mrs. Betty Bowers and I conducted an investigation nearly two years ago which answers your question precisely. In short, priests formerly drilled holes in confessional booths so they could be "serviced" by altar boys. Afterward, because the boys had sinned, the priests told them they had to perform penance. However, the priests really needed to wash up because Monica Lewinsky stains really show on black dresses. Hence, the priests had to make the boys do something on their own to plead for forgiveness while the priests washed up. So the priests assigned the youngsters prayers. The prayer most often assigned was "Glory to the Father," hence the confessional booth holes became known as "glory holes." Later, priests adopted the practice of assigning rote prayers for all their parishioners so they could get as many confessions into a single hour as possible.

Praying all will discover the countless connections between the Catholic cult and ancient Greece (or grease),
Brother Harry Hardwick
Landover Baptist Church (landoverbaptist.com)



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Q: Is "dirty" a dirty word?
A: Dear Pervert,

I wouldn't concern yourself with this. As True Christians, we recognize that foul language and horrendous violence are perfectly acceptable, particularly on television and in movies. And we have little objection to media portrayal of sex -- so long as it involves different genders. It's OK for our youngsters to watch Arnold Schwarzenegger blow the heads off a hundred men -- just so long as he doesn't kiss any of the men first.

Bear in mind that our Holy Bible is loaded with nasty expressions of tremendously risque acts. The Bible instructs us extensively on premature ejaculation (Leviticus 15:2-15; 22:3-5), wet dreams (Leviticus 15:16-18, 32), voyeurism (Leviticus 18:6-20), bestiality (Leviticus 18:23), people who "go a whoring" and commit "whoredom" (Leviticus 20:5-6; 25:1; Ezekiel 23:1-49; Hosea 4:10), damaged testicles (Leviticus 21:20; Deuteronomy 23:1), bastards (Deuteronomy 23:2), people who take a dump in the middle of camp (Deuteronomy 23:12-14), hemorrhoids (1 Samuel 5:9; 6:4-5); circumcising hundreds of men for a dowry (1 Samuel 18:25-27), people who urinate on the wall (1 Samuel 25:22; 26:34; 1 Kings 14:10; 16:11; 21:21; 2 Kings 9:8), people who eat their excrement and drink their urine (2 Kings 18:27; Isaiah 36:12; Ezekiel 4:12, 15), menstruation (e.g., just about all of Leviticus; Zephaniah 3:1); God spreading excrement on people's faces as punishment (Malachi 2:3), etc., etc., etc.

The Bible is essentially one of the smuttiest books ever written. Were it not the word of God, it would be the first tossed into the bonfire at Christian book burnings. I suggest you keep your Bible out of the reach of children or excise all the nasty parts and use the remaining pamphlet as a book mark.

Praying for a return to family values, notwithstanding the Bible,
Brother Harry Hardwick
Landover Baptist Church (landoverbaptist.com)

P.S. Speaking of bad words, Jesus says those who call others "fools" are worthy of "hell fire" (Matthew 5:22), yet that didn't stop Jesus from calling his enemies "fools" (Luke 11:40). But then again, Jesus had a penchant for violating his Dad's edicts with impunity and then just changing the rules midstream. Typical rebellious son. What a shame James Dean didn't live to portray Him.



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Q: Dear Friends:
I have been deeply troubled for quite some time by good people who have fallen away from the Chruch of Jesus. These are often wonderful people who, because they were raised by ignorant people or have been filled with lies against the Mother Church, have joined faiths that do not answer to our Holy Father in Rome. Why people would turn their noses at the very church Jesus Himself established is beyond my human understanding. Don't they know that in snubbing Jesus and acting as if "they know better" than Jesus, they are ensuring a trip to Hell? Doesn't this sadden all of you who care about Jesus and want others to know His True Message? Please join me in prayer for all of these lost people. Jesus still loves them and wants them to return to the fold before it is too late.

A: Dear Sister of Satan,

Don't you realize that the first person pushed through the turnstiles of Hell will be that feeble fanatic, John Paul II? And the remaining popes will be right behind him. After all, they have declared themselves infallible, thus equating themselves with a god. They have suggested they are above humanity which is the essence of blasphemy and is the cornerstone of idolatry. Rest assured, JP2 won't be in Hell five seconds before that pansy-like dress of his will catch fire and that cone-shaped hat of his (that looks like half of a Madonna brassiere) will be aflame. He'll look like a giant, ailing Roman candle. I suggest, missy, that you get over all this idol worship and pope-loving and get right with the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost -- the only members of the Trinity (tri=three), lest you find yourself standing next to his royal popeness and discover that his flaming robe is serving as the kindling for your heathenistic flesh!

Praying that stained glass is flammable,
Brother Harry Hardwick
Landover Baptist Church (landoverbaptist.com)




 
Mesh Posted: Wed Sep 17 23:24:06 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Q: If you answer the question - you get a 5, but you have to pick one. Evasions get a 1.

If you HAD to, who would you rather have sex with, and why:

George Walker Bush, or William Jefferson Clinton?

(Wow, I just noticed that "George Walker Bush" is kinda close to "Johnnie Walker Black". I wonder what Big Barbara's well scotch is. )

A: Dear Song of Solomon Reader,

Needless to say, this is a somewhat distasteful question, not merely because of the obvious but also because of the blatantly disgusting nature of both individuals. I think I would go with Bush, however. After all, he's killed almost as many people in Texas as David killed in the Old Testament. And we know God loved David, despite David's love affair with Jonathan. So I suspect God could tolerate my relationship with Bush. (Of course, I suspect I wouldn't have to worry about actually engaging in any vile activity since, with all the cocaine and liquor Bush has consumed, I doubt his system works any more. Plus, a man who would be severely reprimanded by the military and go AWOL probably has trouble achieving rigidity as well. Of course, Bush might simply ask me to play the "dominant" role, but I wouldn't know where to begin. How does one find the a***h*** on someone whose whole being makes him an a***h***?)

Praying for more appealing alternatives,
Brother Harry Hardwick


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Q: We should be arguing over religous/theological points, not condemning each other's personalities. Yes, there are people on this board who live just to upset others.

A: Dear Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm,

While I agree with your points entirely, with all due respect, you might as well ask for an end to world hunger or a closing of the ozone hole. Christians have been involved in personal attacks since the onset of Christianity. The personal assaults began with the rift between Paul and other disciples and have escalated since. We may never know how many people were violently slaughtered by the Catholics in their Crusades and by Protestants in the Inquisition. Six million Jews were slaughtered in the name of Christ in World War II. And while the Jews and Moslems seem to garner the most headlines today, Christians are still killing in His name today (just ask the parents of a bashing victim). Fire and brimstone, hell and damnation, hate and judgment (cleverly disguised as "Love the sinner, hate the sin") are the modus operandi of fundamentalists. But don't despair, dear. This is as God ordered it. Even a cursory review of either testament of the Holy Bible reveals orders from God and His son to kill those who rub them the wrong way.

We can at least take comfort in the fact that the participants here are merely verbally sparring and not physically incapacitating one another. (Praise God for the separation of cyberspace.)

Praying that at least religious slaughter will minimize the ravages of overpopulation,

Brother Harry Hardwick


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Q: Christianity claims to oppose killing, prejudice, and all sorts of other things espoused by many christians. I noticed earlier on this board an argument about homosexuality. I have a few friends who are, as one person on this board put it, "practicing homosexuals". (which is really too bad, because one of them is *hot*!) They are my friends, and have been since "sex" was a naughty word, yet I hear people who have never met them saying that they are evil, sinners. That's bull.

The new testament overrules the old, correct? Does Jesus say "Judge not lest ye be judged," or does Jesus say "kill the $%^*ing homos, my children. They are but fags for your bonfires! Mwahahahahahaha!"?

A: Dear Sodomite Sympathizer,

Yes, dear, I'm afraid they are. But I'm sure you're not surprised. After all, as a group, Christians are responsible for about as much murder as any other entity to have existed. Whether it was the Catholics with their Crusades, or the Protestants with our Inquisition, witch burning, etc., we seem to thrive on blood letting. It is the Christian way. Indeed, perhaps the only entity responsible for more killing than us is God, Himself.

It is interesting, to say the least, that we seem to single out homosexuals for our . . . "disapproval" (the real word, of course, is "hate," but we don't use that term any more because it is no longer "Christianity-correct," notwithstanding its accuracy). The Bible says men who marry divorced women, as well as men who divorce women for any reason other than cheating, are adulterers -- sinners on par with homosexuals. Yet, you don't see "Focus on the Family," the "American Family Association," Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, or any of the other entities to the right of Atilla the Hun condemning divorcees and their spouses. The Bible says any man who imagines sexual contact with a woman to whom he is not married is every bit as much a "sinner" as a homosexual (Matthew 5:28). Yet none of the above entities berate heterosexual men who have fantasies. We are, of course, the ultimate in hypocrites. But then, look at the example we have to follow. If you look up "hypocrisy" in the dictionary, you're likely to see a picture of the KJV 1611 in the margin.

Alas, many homosexuals are kind, caring, compassionate people, who live monogamous lives with their sole loved ones -- but no matter how good they are, no matter how wonderful their acts, they are nonetheless Hellbound because of inexplicable passages in the Bible. (But then, so is every man who continues to have fantasies about women. After all, you are only forgiven of a sin if you really INTEND not to commit again. How many men do you know who, once the kleenex has done its trick, HONESTLY intend never to think about such matters again.)

Homosexuals and heterosexual males who, throughout their lives, continued to fantasize about having sex with someone other than their wives, are going to the same place. Hey, latter guys, better make sure the soap dish isn't too slippery.

Praying all will recognize the blatant hypocrisy of singling out the so-called "homosexual conduct sin" for emphasis,
Brother Harry Hardwick


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Q: If Genesis is "In the beginning" and Revelations is (At the end) what book of the bible is technically (not numerically) the middle of the bible?

A: Dear Statistician,

Another trick question. The answer, of course, is Genesis, chapter 1. After all, we know from scientific data that the Earth has been here for millions of years. It's actually among the younger planets in the galaxy. And the universe has existed far longer (billions of years). Yet, we know the generations of humans described in the Bible encompass only about 4,000 years. That means the midway point falls in that very first chapter of Genesis, between God's creation of the world and His creation of humans.

Now, some may disagree, noting the Bible said God made everything in six days. But a cursory review of the chapter reveals God made the Earth before he made the Sun. Since there was no sun, a "day" was not limited to a 24-hour period. In fact, a single day, in creation times, must have encompassed millions of years (actually, billions, when you consider the rest of the universe). If this sounds a bit convulted, it certainly shouldn't when compared to other passages in Genesis. We know, for instance, that God made plants on the third day, which, of course, is bizarre since he hadn't even made the Sun yet, and plants can't survive without the photosynthesis driven by the Sun (Genesis 1:11, 14-19). We also know God spent the second day creating a solid firmament He called Heaven that separted the higher waters from the low waters (Genesis 1:6-8). Of course, this would preclude exploration of space and means NASA is a giant fraud. Moreover, Genesis blatantly contradicts itself in back-to-back chapters. Chapter 1 says God created the animals and then man (1:25-27). The following chapter says God created man and then the animals (2:18-22). I hardly think my explanation constitutes any greater extrapolation than one would have to make to believe any aspect of the creation story.

Praying all will recognize that you can believe secular (a/k/a Satanic) science or you can believe the Bible, but you can't believe both,
Brother Harry Hardwick


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Q: If original sin was so bad, why wasn't it included in the ten commandments?

A: Dear Hellbound Inquisitor,

Original sin was obviously a set-up. God is omnipotent and all-knowing. He therefore knew Eve was going to nibble on that fruit before He ever created Adam and Eve. God wanted them out of Heaven. After all, there was no Irish Spring, Right Guard or Close-up back then, so you can imagine how unpleasant humans would have become had they populated what was intended to be Utopia.

God told Adam he and his plaything could eat any fruit in the garden except the fruit from one tree, which God then enticingly described as the tree of knowledge. How could anyone resist? When Eve bit into it, God feigned surprise and anger and expelled these unpleasant beings from His home, and sent them to a place where all sorts of horrible things were destined to happen to them, thus providing hours of sci-fi entertainment.

Of course, knowledge doesn't come from the fruit of a tree. That was all a ruse. Once Adam and Eve were out of His hair, God had no need to prohibit the consumption of fruits and vegetables any further.

Praying all will recognize that Eve, the first woman, did far more damage to humankind than any Hitler could ever accomplish,
Brother Harry Hardwick


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Q: Sometimes when the collection plate comes around I take out some money.

A: Dear CC,

Shame on you! Do you realize that, if everyone acted as you, Catholic churches around the country might have to go without chalice-polishing, pew-staining, stained glass window-designing, designer robe-buying and marble column-installing. I hope you'll think twice next time about placing your own interests above gawdy ornate chapel-constructing. Were there many like you, the Catholics might have to move their bingo parlors to the Strip in Vegas. Oh well, at least their churches would fit right in.

Praying all will learn to place aesthetics above the needs of the poor,
Brother Harry Hardwick
Landover Baptist Church (landoverbaptist.com)


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Q: I'm just curious as to what people's opinion on this is. What do you believe happens when you pray for forgiveness? Does God give you a clean slate and tell everyone you offended to lay off of you or you are crossing him? Or do you punished or forgiven by God through the people on Earth? Or do you believe something totally different? Furthermore, if you honestly believe God forgave you for whatever sin you committed, that you are free to act anyway you please even if it means committing the same sin over and over again?

A: Dear 20 Questions,

You tended to reach more closely to the truth the further you probed. You see, as shocking as it may seem, God forgives all of our sins, no matter how heinous, so long as we ask Jesus into our lives. In other words, you can murder, rape, rob, pillage, plunder, sexually molest or listen to Motley Crew albums backwards and you're still going to Heaven, so long as you accept Jesus at some point before you are called to glory. This means, of course, that Heaven will be populated by some of the most egregious humans ever known to mankind whose one claim to fame, as my dear friend, Betty Bowers, is wont to point out, is an impeccable sense of timing. If Timothy McVeigh told that priest who visited him that he, that moment, accepted Jesus as His Savior, Tim will be sipping aperitifs and enjoying the view from his skybox in Heaven, come Judgment Day. But make no mistake: there is still a significant deterrent to sinning for too long a period before acquiescing to God -- you never know when or how your life will be taken. You could be the recipient of lightning, the unintended target of a drive-by shooting, or the second fatal victim of a Laura Bush driving accident. If you were unsaved at the time, you are going straight to Hell. This, of course, means that Heaven will consist largely of evil folks who suffered long-term terminal illnesses and had a chance to accept our Savior just before their predicted deaths. Living in Heaven may very well be like walking the streets of Manhattan very late at night.

Praying all will have at least 10 seconds notice before experiencing their terminal fates,
Brother Harry Hardwick
Landover Baptist Church (landoverbaptist.com)


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Q: What's worse....armpit hair or butt hair?

A: Dear Follicly-Challenged,

Butt hair, of course, because it is much more difficult to remove. However, women of many Pentecostal, Assembly of God and Church of Christ (pronounced "Churcha Chrast) and other charismatic churches aren't allowed to cut any hair from any place on their bodies at any time -- which is why the repeated sightings of Big Foot always occur very near old country churches.

Praying that, upon His return, Jesus won't be excluded from too many venues based on His grooming,
Brother Harry Hardwick
Landover Baptist Church (landoverbaptist.com)


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Q: Is it possible the the CIA or military can listen in on our prayers with sophisticated mind reading listening devices?

A: Dear 98,

I suspect they can, and I feel sorry for the poor Joe whose job it is to do so. He has to listen to all the trite, inane prayers from people like those who post on this board, undoubtedly delivered in an illiterate, borderline retarded vernacular. Since God's job is to listen to this every day, is it any wonder He has a tendency to go a bit loco and start killing people for somewhat mundane misdoings?

Praying no one from the nuclear weapons division of the military has been assigned the "listening in" task,
Brother Harry Hardwick


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Q: Why do Catholic Priest's kiss their scarf's before they put them on over their robes? Is it to wipe off the lipstick?

A: Dear Fashion-Conscious One,

No. No self-respecting homo wearing flowing robes and sipping wine from a gold goblet would dare sully his ensemble with lipstick stains. Besides, all the lipstick has already been removed before mass. You can find it on the altar boys' pelvises. Priests kiss their scarves for the same reason drag queens hug and cling to their gowns. They are thanking God for the opportunity to wear something so fabulous.

Praying for the success of the new financial arrangement between the Vatican and Prada (after all, where would Catholic money go if not to ritual?),
Brother Harry Hardwick



 
abomination Posted: Mon Apr 16 20:14:00 2007 Post | Quote in Reply  
  This is because they were worshipping satan in the http://jesus-survival.com/Abomination-desolation.htm ">abomination of desolation


 



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