||So You Want To Become A Prostitute. Submitted by Will Zone
Like most very, very upper-class, handsome and wealthy white Americans, I subscribe to a little service called Time Warner Digital Cable. As part of the cable package, I get the world's most-bestest channel; HBO On-Demand. Said channel gives me the option to watch whatever is on HBO's programming for a given time, whenever I want. On-demand! Now, rather than using this channel for the powers of good, I watch America Undercover documentaries about prostitution.
Needless to say, I am now an expert on the sex trade.
"Oh stugats! Scusi, So does that mean you, you fuckin cacasenno, want to school me on the business of sexual sin? What, do you think I'm an allupato? Bada-bing! Just cause you watched a fuckin Television program? Fuhgetaboutit." Spits Dominic Schiavellilio, the most Italian Man ever.
"Yes Dominic. I'm gonna school ya." Will Zone whimpers hoping that Dominic doesn't exist knowing full well he just made him up.
After watching all 3 documentaries, which includes countless interviews with ho's of all shapes, sizes, and styles, I've come up with a definitive list on what it takes to be a "prostitute harlot-whore slut." ( which is the same as calling an educator a "teacher-teacher-teacher-teach," but because it's a ho its funnier. )
#1: High School is for suckers. Listen, you know as well I do, that high school is nothing but cliquey bull-roar. So if you don't drop-out, then practice being slutty. Ho's-to-be, go up to that dorky kid with the short-shorts and scientific calculator and show him the time of his life. High School Ho's are like the Mother Teresea's of secondary education.
#2: Get abused. Preferably by your father. It appears as though the best street-walkers out there have taken numerous fist-shots to the face from daddy dearest. Is Poppa not punching you? Then do something that'll make him. Sleep with his boss. Blow the guys in his ride share. Remember, this is all for your future.
#3 Smoke Crack. It seems like the most dedicated midnight cowgirls rock the rock. Crack keeps the future in perspective, it puts the blinders on. No more worrying about what you'll be doing in 2 weeks, or 2 years...you're worrying about getting that money so you can smoke the rock in 2 hours. Crack is all that matters. It makes you work. Like my momma used to tell me: You gotta trick if you want the treat.
#4: Just like in politics, looks don't matter! Do you do your shopping at the Goodwill? Don't fret about showering. Facial scarring a plus. Have you been in a fire? You're our floozy! Does your ass look like 2 dead midgets in a potato sack? Does a window pane have more curves than you? Have people compared your looks to Kathy Griffin, an elephants vagina, or a puddle of diarrhea? Come on down!
#5: Older the better. Hooker's age like fine wine...or is it rotting cheese? Prostitution is the worlds oldest profession, so what's wrong with being the world oldest prostitute? Nothing. Olive spots and stretch marks will take you a long way in this business. Don't have teeth? Better for you and more importantly better for the John's.
#6: Come up with a name! Let's shy away from "Jennifer's" and "Stephanie's", and invent a name that not even hippie parents would name their kids. "Desire," "Epiphany" "Sapphire" are all classy names. As are "Hefty," "Drooling" and "Yecchy." You also want to tattoo your tramp name on your arm in big black scripted letters, you know so you won't forget.
#7: Ignore morals, laws and your conscience. Mary Magdalene was a ho and Jesus loved her. Your doing gods work, remember that.
#8: Get a Pimp! This is important! Now, pimps aren't listed in the yellow pages so you have to hit the streets, more. You need to identify the pimp attributes, or pimp-tributes. A.) A hat with cubic zirconium studs. B.) Long flowing robes, with matching pants and tie, brighter colors the better. C.) A Chalice in left hand. D.) The word "bitch" and "where's my money" are injected between every sentence. E.) Right-hand is beet-red from backhand slaps. F.) A non-handicapped limp, and golden cane. G.) Coke pinky nail. And H.) Borderline retarded.
#9: Know the laws of supply and demand. Is "Star" charging $40 for a Dirty Sanchez? Then you gotta charge $30. Know how much "blumpkins" and "Copperfields" are gonna cost? What's the going rate for a "fish eye," "bismarck" or "rear admiral?" You gotta know these things, if you gonna ho these things.
#10: Protection. Use condoms...unless the guy doesn't look like he's a harbinger of disease...and you can tell just by looking at 'em, you're a pro. Buy stock in Trojenz.
#11: Most importantly...just have fun out there!
And that's just about it. You are now well on your way to the bottom of the barrel. No need to thank me. Now bitch, where's my muthafuckin money?
Oh Journal, We doin... big pimpin, we spendin cheese. Check em out now. Big pimpin, on B.L.A.D.'s. We doin.. big pimpin up in N.Y.C. It's just that Jigga Man, Pimp C, and B-U-N B.
The Downward Spiral: A Natural Regression.