|The Simpleman Journals. The day my anger went away amongst many things
||Posted: Sun Jul 18 23:52:09 2004
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||The SimpleMan Jounrals.
The Day my anger went away ... amongst many things.
I've been carrying a lot of crosses for the past 28 years, and one of the biggest cross was my anger.
My anger scared a lot of people, including myself at times. It was my driving force... It pushed my to limits beyond limits.
And it drove a lot of people away from me, including my loved ones.
My anger caused my mistrust in people. It took away the happiness in my smile and laughter.
It has been part of me for so long. And it grew everyday. slowly eating into my sanity.
But my anger went away.
I should be angry at God. I should be angry at my doctors. I should be angry at her.
But if I were. I'm just pointing the finger and pushing the blame away.
The fault lies within me.
My anger. my bitterness. my inability to trust even my loved ones.
I lost my drive. And i'm trying to find my drive slowly again and not letting anger be the reason for my will to succeed.
I lost my sense of humour along with that as well. I don;t know why but i just stopped laughing... I wish i had that back.
I lost my confidence... which was a lot of fear disguised at my confidence. And i'm learning from scratch to regain my confidence. not the fear masked as arrogance but a confidence that comes from being happy.
I'm trying to find new meanings ... new beginnings.
So goodbye my anger. I hope I won't see you again.
Goodbye old friend.
||Posted: Mon Jul 19 01:16:22 2004
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I remember a long time ago i wanted to be free.
And i knew the price for freedom... and i lived my life the way i wanted it. not for anyone. not for anything but myself.
carefree. free spirited. live for today. and the price of that was that i couldn't allow myself to be tied down by anyone nor anything.
but in the past couple of years. i grew tired of travelling alone. and yearned to find a home... a home that i never had.
and many memories ago i found somewhere where i can call my home.
even though if it meant comprimising on my own ambitions and dreams, even though i was unhappy with my choices.
even though it meant my freedom.
the warmth of home comforted me.
for the first time in my life, i sat down and thought of the future.
i grew to love the idea. to be responsible to someone else. to be tied down. to learn how to open my heart up for someone else.
me. the ever peter pan wanting to break free of never never land and venture into the world of reality.
even though i tell everyone that change is the only thing that's constant in life. that the world is constantly moving. and nothing will ever stop for you.
there's always a part of me that refuses change.
as much as i wanted to settle down. there's always a little part of me that wanted to follow my dreams.
but after weighing both of them. i knew my choice.
i loved my home too much. i love the peace that the home i had provided me.
but the little tempests within me breaks out once in a while.
and the frequency came too often.
now i am pursuing my dreams. it's tough. but i know after so long...
where my destination is... and i know how to get there.
but the price of freedom...
||Posted: Mon Jul 19 02:10:07 2004
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I haven't been myself recently.
and even though things are such and such. i realised a lot of things.
There's this family i have. a family which i have yet to meet but i know them so well.
they're my global family. people who by some strange reason come together and share their lives.
they helped me so much in my times of need. and respond well to my cries for help. we may fight, argue and have different views in so many things, but when times get bad for anyone in the family, you know that they're there.
even though i may not say it.
even though i may not write it out.
even though i may be so far away. lost in my thoughts.
i take this time to thank all of you. everyone of you.
that you are my family. my GT global family. and all of you give me the strength to carry on at times when it gets too rough.
i thank all of you.