| The ghosts of the past and my thick skull | ||
| Mark | Posted: Mon Sep 4 13:38:15 2006 | Post | Quote in Reply |
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In the past I was treated in a very cruel way. Especially when in comes to trust, friendship and relationships. In those days my attitude changed in order to survive. I became suspicious, jealous. I trusted nobody. Those days never seemed to end… but they did end. The last couple of years I made some good friends. Not many, but still good friends. I even got a girlfriend. O, how wonderful it all was.
The last couple of days I am not feeling so wonderful. It is as if my world collapsed. I hurt those close to me. I hurt them with that I once created to survive and which is almost killing me now. My attitude, the jealousy, is what rips my world apart. It has been told to me so many times, but only recently has it been revealed that it is a part of me. The first few minutes I couldn’t believe it. A part of me… not just an act. Has it grown inside of me and why didn’t I notice? I will have to change once again, since I haven’t done it already. The problem is that it might be too late. Too late to get it al back together again and I have only myself to blame for it. I wish I could change myself this instant and immediately show it to those who need to see it. If I only got it through my skull sooner. If only… if… What if I did? What if I still did it? Would it matter? I need to find out a way to change myself. It might be too late, but if I don’t do it now it’ll be wasted for sure. Perhaps I can do it again… No not a perhaps. I’m sure I can do it again! (and for every higher power reading this… every kind of help is welcome now) |
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| DanSRose | Posted: Mon Sep 4 23:58:02 2006 | Post | Quote in Reply |
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I don't know where Christophe is, but I do believe the words "Lair", "whipped topping", and "naked" will somehow be included. Still, I'd like to take the role.
If you are not liking the person you see in the mirror, change it. You can always change yourself, if you want to change to make a change. Anyway you can, make you the You you need to be. While I was away in Israel/Palestine/the Holy Land, I did this, though it was easier being amongst strangers. Find the archetype you want yourself to be; it could be literature, TV, history, whatever. When you start to act on whatever is, ask yourself WWBmD? (Bm = Batman, for you should always try to be like Batman, though that wasn't the one[s] I chose for myself). Emotionally, higher decision making, future shaping, whatever it is, emulate your action on the thing you want yourself to be. It's still you, with your motivations and needs, but asking yourself to put yourself in the shoes of your avatar makes you second guess your actions and restructuring yourself and your thought processes. As for forgiveness, that is based on the person you are asking to forgive you, what needs to be forgived, and how willing and far you are ready to atone, and that really all depends on #1. You may need to learn to live with it and from it. |
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| Mark | Posted: Tue Sep 5 03:59:47 2006 | Post | Quote in Reply |
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DanSRose said:
>I don't know where Christophe is, but I do believe the words "Lair", "whipped topping", and "naked" will somehow be included. Still, I'd like to take the role. And so you did. >If you are not liking the person you see in the mirror, change it. You can always change yourself, if you want to change to make a change. >Anyway you can, make you the You you need to be. While I was away in Israel/Palestine/the Holy Land, I did this, though it was easier being amongst strangers. This is one part of the problem. Being among people you know. It is very hard (at least for me) to change when everybody is expecting a certain act from you. In my case it was the indifferent son of a b**** who could be cruel at any time. I don’t like to admit this, but certainly help the process back. I should have been stronger, I know, but I should have been isn’t going to work here. >Find the archetype you want yourself to be; it could be literature, TV, history, whatever. When you start to act on whatever is, ask yourself WWBmD? (Bm = Batman, for you should always try to be like Batman, though that wasn't the one[s] I chose for myself). Emotionally, higher decision making, future shaping, whatever it is, emulate your action on the thing you want yourself to be. It's still you, with your motivations and needs, but asking yourself to put yourself in the shoes of your avatar makes you second guess your actions and restructuring yourself and your thought processes. Who I would like to be? I would like to be me. No more hiding behind alter ego’s, nicknames or the likes of that. My previous character was based upon the lonely hero. The one saving those I love, getting nothing in return and be able to live with that. Or at least that’s what I liked to believe. Something went wrong. About a week ago I turned myself into that again. Even dressing myself in the way I was always comfortable in. It gave me the feeling of freedom. The next day it lost that already and last Sunday it nearly choked me, forcing myself to get away from it. I took a long walk and thought about it. At first my “old” self took over, but after a while I knew I had to let go. I still couldn’t pinpoint the exact things that needed to be done. That became clear yesterday. You say take an archetype, but I cannot do that. Not anymore. Time to come out of the shadows. >As for forgiveness, that is based on the person you are asking to forgive you, what needs to be forgived, and how willing and far you are ready to atone, and that really all depends on #1. You may need to learn to live with it and from it. Ah yes, forgiveness. I can only pray for that now. But what you say is true. All I can do is wait in peace. |
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| DanSRose | Posted: Tue Sep 5 23:52:35 2006 | Post | Quote in Reply |
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Please.
Make that voice in your head the version of You you want yourself to be. Sure, it probably is crazy, in that real definition of crazy, but you are not satisified with the person you see in the mirror, do whatever it takes to reshape yourself. If not you'll just be living your life in circles, and we both know miserable and useless that is. For me, crossing that line is what worked. Be your own idol, your own model. I picked two television characters (SciFi), and you know what? I restructuring my behaviors into the behaviors that I want to enact, I'm happier, I'm writing, I'm mouthier, wittier, and I have a beautiful girl wants me and the me I am becoming, which just Me, but me growing into the person I want to be. It's merely self-induced cognitive therapy. Behavior therapy. You change the behaviors, the actions, and the thoughts follow. And it works. |
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| beetlebum | Posted: Thu Sep 7 00:18:22 2006 | Post | Quote in Reply |
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I have no advice to give, but I just wanted to say that it is interesting to read these conversations and I learn alot from them. I really appreciate that. So, thank you. |
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| Mark | Posted: Thu Sep 7 02:17:42 2006 | Post | Quote in Reply |
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DanSRose said:
>Please. >Make that voice in your head the version of You you want yourself to be. Sure, it probably is crazy, in that real definition of crazy, but you are not satisified with the person you see in the mirror, do whatever it takes to reshape yourself. If not you'll just be living your life in circles, and we both know miserable and useless that is. Yes, I see your point. I have been living in circles. In earlier moments I knew I had to change, but then I saw it as only a small change. Changing a small part of my attitude. But when something goes so deep it will affect everything and the change of that small part is undone very quickly if the rest hasn’t changed as well. >For me, crossing that line is what worked. Be your own idol, your own model. I picked two television characters (SciFi), and you know what? I restructuring my behaviors into the behaviors that I want to enact, I'm happier, I'm writing, I'm mouthier, wittier, and I have a beautiful girl wants me and the me I am becoming, which just Me, but me growing into the person I want to be. It's merely self-induced cognitive therapy. Behavior therapy. You change the behaviors, the actions, and the thoughts follow. And it works. I am doing this now. Changing everything that I am into what I want to be. I guess I will have a long way to go, since I’ve realized only a few days ago what was needed. To be honest, I didn’t specifically take any character from a book or television. I took all that I wanted from everything I know and put that in what you call my own idol. Thinking about conversations I had in the past with important people and putting that in as well. Finally listening and acting upon it. After these few days I found myself still capable of hurting people and scaring myself with it. I do purposely change my act though and it does work. The progress seems to be slow, but there is progress and I can keep myself going. I know that with these changes I can never undo those things I did in the past, but I will be able not to do them in the future. I hope it’s not too late. I must thank you for your responses Dan. I’m glad that you could point out some things. I appreciate that. |
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| DanSRose | Posted: Fri Sep 8 10:04:57 2006 | Post | Quote in Reply |
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The two hardest things for me, that are still near impossible to get through are Not Going In Circles and Letting Go. #2 is easier the more you do it. The more you let go, the more you can take steps foward. Not going in circles is the hard part. The part I cannot seem to get through. I couldn't even stop going and thinking in circles on my birthday and seeing someone I needed to.
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