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Fake Empire - The National
kurohyou Posted: Mon Sep 19 23:42:02 2011 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Stay out super late tonight
Pickin apples, Makin pie
Put a little somethin in our lemonade
and take it with us

We're half awake, In a Fake Empire...
We're half awake, In a Fake Empire...

This is simply the song on my itunes at present. Not that its playing randomly. I like it. Especially the final chorus...

"Turn the light out say goodnight
No thinkin for a little while
Let's not try to figure out
everything at once..."

This is what my mind wants to try to do in this moment. In a fit of contemplative insanity, it wants to resolve all that troubles it. The problem is I haven't enough beer to adequately knock myself out, and the problems are too big for a 12 hour block, even if I weren't dead tired from traveling back from the east coast this morning.

Suffice it to say I'm having parent guilt. Lots of it. My son, who will be 13 at the end of November is not okay, and I am blaming myself. I find myself behind the 8-ball when it comes to a condition I thought his mother had been addressing for much of his life, but which I'm now finding, for all intents and purposes, has gone unchecked and seems to have, as with most things when left to themselves, gone from bad to worse.

I love my son. I love my daughter. I will do whatever it takes to give them the best start possible in this life and to get them through this transition of childhood to adulthood as best as I can. But as I look at what we are facing with him, I can't help but be angry with myself, feeling I should have done more early on.

The issue at hand, we don't know. Some have called it Asperger's, some the teenage anger associated with a parent's divorce, some have labeled as psychotic and delusional. I have always chalked it up to his personality, an overactive imagination and a sheer level of intensity unmatched by most people. A passion and strict way of thinking. To me it's always just been who he is.

But being who you are can be difficult when the world expects other things out of you. Passion and intensity can cause trouble when you don't know how to adequately display them. And I feel I am being ganged up on. Medication has been tossed out there. Evaluations for this and that, some I believe are looking to help. Others I think are looking to cover their asses. I just want to know what is going on in his mind. A small window into his world, the slightest understanding. I just want to help him.

But at the end of this night I feel I have failed. Sure the game is not over. Far from. But it's how I feel. Irrational, illogical, pure emotional. I feel as though I have let him down somehow and now I need to make it up. But I don't have a clue where to start. Sleep may be a good first step. The battle will still be here tomorrow. "Let's not try to figure out everything at once."

For what it's worth...

Kira Posted: Tue Sep 20 23:30:29 2011 Post | Quote in Reply  
  My little brother was a troubled kid. He hated sitting still, even when he watched TV he would do it standing up or walking in circles around the living room chairs. He had a dreadful speech disorder, no one could understand him except us. He got frustrated easily, and having problems communicating just made it worse. He had a lot of trouble controlling his temper, even in his late teens this was an issue for him. When he was eleven or twelve he started displaying alarming symptoms of OCD, showering three times a day sometimes and washing his hands so frequently his skin turned raw. I didn't learn the word "Asperger's" until we were both grown up, didn't know there was a special word for someone who was socially clueless, oblivious of others' moods, habitually rude and just plain weird.

My parents just let him be himself, and kept talking with him. When his personality "quirks" interfered with his being happy or living harmoniously with others, they were honest with him, and he figured himself out eventually. He's happy now, still making plans for his life like any twenty-something but happy, loves his friends and loves being a more regular sort of quirky.

I don't know what your son is going through right now and I'm not a parent so I can't imagine how you must be feeling. But don't let his teachers and counselors, or anyone else scare you. Help him to function and have faith in him. He'll get through it if he's not treated like a syndrome.


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