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perfect?
me
4 Aug 2004
He's kinda like a bad song or a hangnail…..
It never seems to get any better. Regardless of how long it has been or many other things there are going on in my life…he's there. He's like that one person you can't get out of your head no matter how hard you try. It makes me crazy because its thoughts of him that hinder any sort of normal relationship that I could be having with guys that are right in my reach.
In a way, I think that is why I am so attracted to him. He is, in all senses of the phrase, my "unobtainable dream." Its been years and years of dancing around each other in and out and up and down and anywhere but where we really want to be. It just never seems to work out quite right. Age differences, college, significant others, jobs...all these things are obstacles that have made sure things just never work out quite right.
And when things never work out quite right it leaves you with that feeling like you're missing out on something that could be so perfect….and its kinda romantic in a movie sort of way.
But this isn't the movies and there's no such thing as perfect…
So I accept the fact time and time again that I will never get that "perfect thing" that I'm missing. I'm really good at forcing him out of my mind and moving on. I tell myself that these magical characteristics he possesses that draw me to him can be found in other guys. That somewhere between the line for the keg and the bathroom I could met the man above all men and fall in love right then and there. Cause its easier to just force him out, right?
Because when I go to the store I get the urge to stop and smell that laundry detergent that he used to use. Because I always pause slightly every time I scroll past his number in my cell phone or hear that Counting Crows song we used to talk about. It's little things that I never tell anyone. Basically because I don't want to admit to myself or anyone for that matter that I really like this boy that I just can't have.
Time passes, days, months, and so on. I live life just fine. I really do forget about him as best I can. I do that "forcing out" thing and I take comfort in knowing he is doing well too. I will date other people and he will too. We will still talk sometimes but its never about anything really important. We drift away a little, very slowly. We save the important things for the next time we're face to face. Because there is always a next time.
Deep deep down, I'm always waiting for that next time. Hoping that maybe he'll stay a little while longer than the last.
The truth is, I do alright these days.
But he could call me tomorrow and I'd come running.
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