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  • A letter never meant to be send #2
    The WOLFF
    23 Mar 2006

    My dearest,

    It has been a long time since I’ve made talked to you through this way. I hope I’m doing the right thing. The subject is, at least intends to be, less loaded subject than last time.

    You know… we sometimes talk about God en believing and our different views. Most of the time I’ve must have made an atheistic impression and perhaps that was correct. There was no God for me. Gradually even you must have noticed I’m changing. But I have the feeling I’m right back where I started.

    My parents gave me all freedom to choose my believes. I was allowed to figure out for myself what I wanted to follow. If my memories serve me correctly I first became interested in God when my grandma was cremated. In the service before that there was singing… It all appeared strange to me. I too wanted to believe in God!

    Through the years, however, my view of God changed. Ignorance is bliss. Still, and perhaps unknowingly, I’ve always been searching for some faith. During that time I became opposed of Christianity because of its indoctrination (my opinion that it was like that, not a fact). Why Christianity? Because it was so close. Later on I’ve became opposed against more and more religions, because they all mean to follow set rules… en everybody that thought differently is in error. Paganism was always an exception in my views. I don’t know exactly why. I think it’s because, even though I can not accept it as a faith, it isn’t indoctrinating.

    Why couldn’t I follow pagan faith? Because I know too much about different religions… what is the truth?

    The turning point came after a discussion with ended painfully for me. I always had to participate in discussions and always had to be right. This usually succeeded since most people don’t have good arguments of their own. What I never realized, however, was that a religion can give hope to people. And after that discussion I didn’t see that hope anymore in his eyes… I’d taken away somebody’s hope… why do all those important moments have to be so painful.

    Since than I’ve done only a few of those kind of discussions and only with a resentful feeling. What I did that one time I never want to do again.

    Especially last year my view towards religions has changed. I still can’t find the right one for me, but I do have respect now. While I’m writing this, I realize it’s not that God is a problem for me, but religion is…. the way they make the rules… the way humans let God talk. It’s good for most people if they can get hope out of it... but from where do they get that hope?

    But what about God? And what about Believing? And if so, in what version? It’s a difficult situation. Perhaps… perhaps I do want to believe in God. Even about that I’m not so sure. That’s why I have the feeling I’m right back where I started… After all that reading, thinking, discussing, questioning, listening, etc. I still have no idea what to do with it.

    I hope I could make myself a bit clearer this way… that you can understand me better.

    Your little miracle wolf

    semi-autobiographic