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Bad Habit
Kaydi Chou
2 Feb 2005
You know, bad habits are always really hard to break. I'm sitting here, trying to pretend like I'm breaking mine, but I know that I'm not. All I'm doing is pretending; it's all a facade. And I know that I'm pretending that I really don't want to scroll down the AIM Buddy Window and see if you're on. I know that I'm pretending that I'm not hoping to see a sudden e-mail from you just one random day saying that you're sorry and that you messed up. I know that I'm pretending that I don't even wish to look at the cell's screen to check if I've missed a call.
Even though the volume on the phone's turned all the way up. Just in case.
But look at all my bad habits. One right after the other. You. Then. That. This.
Know what other bad habits I have? I have a bad habit of pretending everything's just fine. I tend to glaze over things like I could care less, like I'm just fine and dandy and walkin' on the clouds all the way over to the drug store, where it only costs a buck to buy a box of scratchy tissues. I pretend like everything I say and do aren't serious things, like when I purchase that box of tissues and bring it home and sit with it on the couch, using up all of its scratchy insides to hide away my tears. I pretend like that's just fine and normal.
And people like it that way.
Ya know, I've got this one kid. Really sweet kid; young, vibrant, full of promise. Big heart and a big smile. And so innocent and happy-eyed that every time I see him, I can't help but smile. I think it's because I see in him a happiness and carefreeity I used to have.
This kid- he tells me to cheer up. That Life is short, and you have to live it. That when I'm sad it makes him sad. And I smile because he's so innocent and young and carefree.
And he says that he lets all of his worries go. That because he's happy everyone deep down wishes they were just like him. That I should try it too.
And I smile because I already know. How do you tell someone that you already know their good advice and that right now, it just won't do? How do you tell someone that they can't save you, no matter how hard they try or how badly they want to help? Can you tell them that at all?
Do you just thank them for their offerings and send them on their way? Are you some sort of demigod to do so?
You forgot to tell me you knew my good advice and that it wouldn't do. You forgot to tell me that I couldn't save you, not matter how hard I would try or how badly I wanted to help. You forgot to tell me anything at all.
The only thing you remembered was to thank me for my offering and send me on my way. But I know you're no sort of demigod. You just appeared that way to me.
I admire the young one's tenacity. I admire his willingness to bounce back and let Life do what she will to him. But I'm not so ready to crawl back into her arms, or even yours.
See, I have this bad habit of pretending that I'm always okay. And I have another bad habit of not trusting people after they toss my affections around. And I have this worse habit of letting people believe that I've got no real worries. I think that's the worst habit I've got.
Because, you see, a smile a day keeps the questions away. And when people ask too many questions, it just gets too painful to answer. Painful enough that you're choking on tears and have to drive fast to the drug store with your snot running down your face. Painful enough that you have run into the store and run from aisle to aisle, looking for a cheap box of scratchy tissues you don't want to spend the money to buy. Painful enough that when you pay for the tissues, when the clerk asks you what's wrong, all you can do is choke on more tears and run away with the box of tissues, leaving all the change. Painful enough that you stop answering questions.
Maybe that's why you stopped answering mine.
Well,
I'll stop answering you
and your
phone calls.
I'll stop replying to you
and your
emails.
I'll stop talking to you
and your
IMs.
I'll just stop and pretend like it never happened.
Call it a bad habit of pretending that I don't really care.
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