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chimera
30 Jan 2005
i was so happy that day...can't remember what happened or who was there, but i remember that aloof feeling of happiness. I like to think it was in the early fall - things are generally better then...when everything smells like fire, and it's still warm enough to wear jeans and a tshirt...
...anyway, that's nowhere near the feeling i have now, now i feel removed...now i feel unsure. I'm unsure of the things that were supposed to be consistant...of the people who were supposed to be my pillars of support...
...i can't finetune my memory enough to recall exactly when it happened but i know that it's not the same...i know the conversations we have know -- those where we pretend to agree and tell each other everything...we make-believe that the nights we force our eyes open well into the morning meant something, that the conversations we had would change the world, we even planned something everlasting...
...then you left you weren't there anymore, or it could've been me...i know im a little bit absent minded...i try, i really do it's like im always straining my eyes to see what it was that happened that i forgot...or what could happen that i missed.
...so anyway, we tried to talk last month...it was the giving season...that wore out quickly enough, the wave of silence came again...until the idea comes around about talking, sure we talk...plenty of words and annoying little breaks in time, until one of us gets tired and we call a truce...
...it was supposed to be perfect....we look at those time when we were all together so fondly...those times when i secretly cried myself to sleep...**i just can't wait to get back there**...i think it might be better than this.
Here i am in some sort of limbo, not crying, not laughing, just here, unable to decide if it'll be worth it to try and make it better...or if i should just ride it out...of course you know none of this, you see it as 'the best days of our lives' i see it as those time when no one really told the truth...those times when people who wouldn't even bother to say my name now acted like they'd be there forever...
anyway...i used to want to speak....i used to want to talk it out...now i wouldn't know what to say...now you wouldn't know how to listen...it's just time to accept a change that's already happened...maybe it's not necessarily a bad thing...
...maybe now we can actually find that day, that time when we could smell the fires far away and everything was clement and everyone was happy and everyone could speak...
i guess i was gone...before that day you said we would always have to look back on...
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