copyrighted by me
it's bothering me
10 Jul 2005
i am so...scared.
i'm always working, never getting paid. how am i supposed to support myself? i'm afraid of money trouble, debt. the idea of having to pay taxes doesn't help either. on the other hand, what's the point of having money if they won't bury it with you? forget the bank, i'll bury all my savings in the backyard. you'll need a bulldozer to find where i hid my money. muah ha ha!
i'm always awake, never sleeping. i might lose consciousness, but i'm still there, replying to your questions, and envisioning my fears. subliminal messages are getting more frequent, but have random meanings. the pieces here don't fit. maybe i'm working the wrong puzzle.
i'm always frustrated, never satisfied. i am nearly a woman, shouldn't i be making my own decisions? i've already chosen my college, and i'm capable of picking my own clothes in the morning. if you're letting me get this far, why can't you let me go farther? you tell me the universe doesn't revolve around me, but that's YOUR universe. i don't expect it to. this is my life, let me do what i want with it!
i'm always (trying to be) happy, never (wanting to be) sad. sometimes people make mistakes, and they say things they don't mean to say. i do this a lot. i must learn when to bite my tongue and how to say things without giving my words any kind of accidental hidden meanings. i have to remember my commitments; i don't hardly forget them. but sometimes i forget the responsibility that goes with those commitments, and i wind up in "trouble" sometimes with others, most often with myself. life is harsh.
THINGS DON'T WORK OUT THE WAY I WANT THEM TO. why? it feels like i have no control over my life, like i'm just a game piece being pushed around the board by someone else's hand. I DON'T HAVE THE GUTS TO REBEL COMPLETELY. sure i can tell them to shove it, that i'm not doing it cuz i don't want to, but i eventually get suckered into the chore by the threat of a guilty, fear-stricken conscious. there is no escape from hell. maybe if i try to be like the devil he'll kick me out of hell.
random blurb of emotion, stress.