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Seinfeldisms - QuotesDon't you hate it when people use military time? Don't make me do math! "I want that report by 800 hours." "Uhhhh…. 800 hours…..that's 33 days. I've got plenty of time!" Did you hear about the big lawsuit against Disneyland? Some kids saw the Disney characters without their heads on. And they were traumatized. And now they need a couple million dollars. Give me a break. When I was a kid I saw my Uncle Billy with his pants off! All I got was a dollar to keep my mouth shut. Sometimes when it's raining really really hard outside and I'm inside, I want to find the guy who invented buildings and give him a big kiss. Not a big wet kiss, though, because that would defeat the purpose. What's the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don't they call it Roundtine? (contributed by mike) The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too. In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my... I could be eating a slow learner. We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it. What's with this wierd hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had haemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter. The Washington Post Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person? The Washington Post Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel." The Washington Post Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station? The Washington Post All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway? The Washington Post Isn't it wierd that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff." The Washington Post Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white! The Washington Post Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not. The Washington Post Why do we have to die? As a kid, you get nice little white shoes with white laces and a velvet suit with short pants and a nice collar, and you go to college, you meet a nice girl and get married, work a few years and then you have to die! What is that shit? They never wrote it in the contract! But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. Boy, when you are dead, they really fix you up. I hope to hell when I do die somebody has sense enough to just dump me in the river or something. Anything except sticking me in a goddam cemetery. People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday and all that crap. Who wants flowers when you are dead? Nobody. The Catcher in the Rye During the mid-1980s dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows. How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers? People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is? Ten Things That Piss Me Off When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What should I eat, someone else's cake instead? Ten Things That Piss Me Off When people say "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Ten Things That Piss Me Off The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake! Ten Things That Piss Me Off People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? Ten Things That Piss Me Off My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him. from an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Um, not sure. I just had the most hilarious recollection of this episode on the Discovery Channel I saw with rabbits having sex. Truly a representation of the human experience, the male was humping away, about 300 strokes a minute, while the female had this look on her face that I can only equate with 'I wonder what shade I should get my nails done with tomorrow'. True to form, the male kept on going at it, even up until the point where he fell over to the side, losing penetration, yet still pumping away like mad. alt.drunken.bastards When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning, inches above the ground. With a giant buttered-cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. Most dogs are earnest, which is why people like them. You can say any fool thing to a dog, and he will give you this look that says, "Wow! You're RIGHT! I NEVER would have thought of that!" Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow... They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! The Accidental Tourist This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they'll tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide If life on Earth were to evaporate, and the planet be visited by alien anthropologists, they will wonder at the regularity with which they find brown bottles and aluminum cans in the hollow spaces of concrete walls, and they will conclude that these artifacts represent some sort of offering to some kind of deity with the short name "Beer" and they will discover that the delphic oracle for this God was no doubt a place called "Milwaukee" since it will be there that they will find where most of the icons to this God were created. If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires. Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. Deep Thoughts Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind. Deep Thoughts To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. Deep Thoughts When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. Deep Thoughts Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary. Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. Deep Thoughts You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is. I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals. If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh. Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Deep Thoughts |
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