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Utter Stupidity
Carpe Diem - Seize the day Carpe Noctum - Seize the night Carpin Denium - There's a fish in my pants Carpe ovum - Seize the egg Cave Canem - Beware of the dog
When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
O give me a home,
How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.
I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.
Looking at Capitol Hill is like looking at that Escher picture of the wild geese flying together: makes no fucking sense and occasionally shits on your head.
Dennis Miller I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Michael Aulfrey When I die I want to go like Grandpa, in my sleep. Not like Grandma in the passenger seat.
Honest officer, the dwarf was on fire when I got here.
Black Dragon Bigamy is having one spouse two many. Monogamy is just the same.
Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm? I dunno. Ask your father.
We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on our picnics.
Bill Vaughan It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.
Shirley MacLaine If you want to know where God is ask a drunk.
Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana.
Groucho Marx Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
Groucho Marx Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevailent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.
Ambrose Bierce Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offense.
Ambrose Bierce Selfish, adj: Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
Ambrose Bierce Circus, n: A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to so men, women and children acting the fool.
Ambrose Bierce Learning, n: The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
Ambrose Bierce Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.
Ambrose Bierce
Immortality, n:
Ambrose Bierce Liberty, n: One of imaginations most precious possessions.
Ambrose Bierce Some people believe that by wearing sunglasses, other people can't see them.
Jason Q. Falling in love doesn't kill people. Landing does.
E. Fang Rosenstein Definition of "Just Friends": It means I don't just want you to mourn the loss; I want to remind you of it every day. I want you to suffer. I want you to envy. I want you to die slowly, a bit at a time. And I want you to smile and thank me for it.
The great thing about this jungle of ours is that anyone of you could grow up to be Lord of the apes.
Gary Larson This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the left.
Pleasure to meet you, President Dole.
Top 10 lines you'll never hear Mel Gibson say in a movie Where did all this fucking ice come from?
Captain of the Titanic A leapord never changes his stripes.
Al Gore It is quite untrue that British people don't appreciate music. They may not understand it but they absolutely love the noise it makes.
Sir Thomas Beecham To compose music, all you have to do is remember a tune that nobody else has thought of.
Robert Schumann Only when you have crossed the river can you say that the crocodile has a lump on his snout.
Ashanti There are four types of men in the world; lovers, opportunists, lookers-on, and imbeciles. The happiest are the imbeciles.
When I go to peoples' houses I like to sneak into their bedrooms and try on their underwear.
The other day I say a fly walking down the street with his man open.
Well actually it's a lot like smoking a cigar, but you don't bite the tip off.
The difference between reality and fiction? Fiction has to make sense.
Tom Clancy The early worm gets eaten by the bird.
Jason Q. The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry Seinfeld If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving your dog only two of them.
Phil Pastoretm Newspaper Enterprise Assn. There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone or forbid your children to do it.
Monta Crane Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.
General George Patton It is not real work unless you would rather be doing something else.
James M. Barrie Try to look unimportant, because the bad guys might be low on ammo.
If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.
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