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Insults - QuotesWhen the world smiles at you, flip them off! Life's a bitch. Then you marry one. Guys are like parking spaces, they're all either taken or handicapped. And the second you finally find one, you see an even better one across the lot. You wouldn't be intelligent enough to understand anything that I would be stupid enough to tell you anyways. I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny. I would have stepped on you if you weren't a piece of shit. I'd slap you, but shit splatters. If men's minds were like dominoes, surely his would be the double blank. I would have had more fun at a funeral. It's always easier to quote something that someone else said, than have the courage to say something original. I would have been your father but the guy infront of me had exact change. I would have been your father but the monkey beat me up the stairs. She's so ugly, the tide wouldn't take her out. I would slap you but I'm not sure your brain could process the pain. He spares no resource in telling of his dead inventions... Bare verbs he rarely tolerates. He splits infinitives and fills them up with adverbial stuffing. He presses the passing colloquialism into his service. His vast paragraphis sweat and struggle; the He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them. The guy who takes you out would be the ideal candidate for The Prevention of Cruelty Towards Animals Society. That man has missed something who has never left a brothel at sunrise feeling like throwing himself into the river out of pure disgust. I can't take a well-tanned person seriously. The nature of men and women - their essential nature - is so vile and despicable that if you were to portray a person as he really is, no one would believe you. The problem with America today is that too many people know too much about not enough. Women want mediocre men. And men are working hard to become as medicore as possible. You're the reason our kids are so ugly. I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception. If it weren't for you, I'd enjoy our sex life. Are you stupid or did you just take lessons? The Long Kiss Goodnight When you're as important as I am, getting your feelings hurt by me is almost an honor. The Sweet Revenge of What's Your Deal? If people only knew how much I secretly hated them, they'd love me for holding it in. The Sweet Revenge of What's Your Deal? I don't mind sharing the blame if she'll just admit she started it. The Sweet Revenge of What's Your Deal? How can I be expected to love someone who tries such crude manipulations as bringing me breakfast in bed? The Sweet Revenge of What's Your Deal? I'm not going to stop torturing myself till I figure out the cause of my pain. The Sweet Revenge of What's Your Deal? Dahling, when God put teeth in your mouth, he ruined a perfectly good arsehole. The Sandman Why are all blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving. Home Improvement. Wit is educated insolence. You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners. Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood. Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head. Disrespect cannot be commanded, it must be earned. He is able to turn an unplotted, unworkable manuscript into an unplotted and unworkable manuscript with a lot of sex. The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead. From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. The Book of Insults What tragedy it is to be just smart enough to know that you are doomed to painful idiocy. Don't say yes until I finish talking. He has the vocal modulation of a railway-station announcer, the expressive power of a fence-post and the charisma of a week-old head of lettuce. I worship the quicksand he walks on. They turned the country up on its side, and everything loose fell into California. |
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