Submit Quote

Simply Delightful - Quotes

Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.

Mickey Mouse

A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.

Biology is the only science in which multiplication mean the same thing as division.

Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.

The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

Clarence Darrow

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery.

Doug Horton

Growing old is not growing up.

Doug Horton

Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters.

Ross Presser

Children in the front seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children.

It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.

bumper sticker

It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

Rami Belson

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum - "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."

Ambrose Bierce

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Scott Elledge, on his retirement from Cornell University

Ever notice that "what the hell" is always the right decision?

Marilyn Monroe

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.

Muslim proverb

This contract is so one-sided that I am astonished to find it written on both sides of the paper.

Lord Evershed
Naked Promises

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Oliver Wendell Holmes

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Robert Orben

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Adlai Stevenson

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

Capitalism is the unequal distribution of wealth - communism is the equal distribution of poverty.

Demagogue: One who preaches a doctrine he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

Henry Louis Mencken

Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

J. Paul Getty

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, and paradise is when you have none.

Doug Larson

It is not the horse that draws the cart, but the oats.

Russian proverb

When she sings, I get people in my throat.

Kermit, the frog

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

bumber stickers

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

bumber stickers

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.

bumber stickers

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

bumber stickers

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

bumber stickers

Eschew Obfuscation.

bumber stickers

Atheism is a non prophet organisation.

bumber stickers

He doesn't play hard to get. He plays hard to want.

Mike Marotta

Jingle Bells / Snow is hell / in a pennant race.

ESPN's Keith Olbermann

I am a Marxist - of the Groucho variety.

Young people, take heart: the older you get, the fewer commandments you will have the strength to break.

Mark Russell

Yeah, I can see why beautiful cars are compared to beautiful women... they usually belong to someone else.

Mike Patterson
For Better or For Worse

I don't think the road to heaven is paved with bean curd.

David Shaw

I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks... IN A STARBUCKS!!!

Dennis Miller

And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Sarah Noelle Pratt Ferguson

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Groucho Marx
The Groucho Phile

There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me.

John Erskine

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

P. J. O'Rouke

A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.

Francois Sagan

God gave us all a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.

Robin Williams