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Simply Delightful - Quotes

According to a recent study, ten percent of 'Star Trek' fans meet the psychological criteria for addiction. Deprived of their favourite show, some Trekkies disply withdrawal symptoms similar to drug addicts. Of course, the real difference is that drug addicts aren't nearly as annoying.

Jay Leno
The Tonight Show, NBC

There's so much myth and baloney. Like a 80-year-old man able to manhandle a 300-pounder with his little finger. Ridiculous. Or this matter of breaking bricks and boards wth the edge of your hand. Now I ask you, did you ever see a brick or a board pick a fight with anybody?

Bruce Lee

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jets.

How can I soar when I'm surrounded by turkeys?

Is that a ladder in your stocking or a stairway to heaven?

Waves are turned off at midnight.

sign on a sea-side hotel

You want what on the fucking ceiling?


When helping my father do carpentry: "Come hold this nail. When you are ready, nod you head and I'll hit it."

John Marron

People who think they know everything are particularly bothersome to those of us who do.

Wise men create proverbs, fools repeat them.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Sam Levenson

It doesn't matter if you win or lose, until you lose.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Jackie Mason

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend.

Zenna Schaffer

I love my kids, but I wouldn't want them for friends.

Janet Sorensen

I rely on my personality for birth control.

Liz Winston

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

Rita Mae Brown

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

Roseanne Barr

Probably the only place where a man can feel really secure is in a maximum security prison, except for the imminent threat of release.

Germaine Greer

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

Bette Midler

My favorite animal is steak.

Fran Lebowitz

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "check enclosed.''

Dorothy Parker

You should always carry a gun. Not to shoot yourself, but to know that you're always making a choice.

Lina Wertmuller

We all like stories that make us cry. It's so nice to feel sad when you've nothing in particular to feel sad about.

Annie Sullivan

Experience: A comb life gives you after you lose your hair.

Judith Stern

Lots of people think they're charitable if they give away their old clothes and things they don't want.

Myrtle Reed

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.

I did not sleep with your wife. So don't ask me to raise your kids.

Women like cats, men say they like cats, but when women aren't around, men kick cats.

Willie Heath

Just because it hangs down doesn't mean it is a toy...

man to his dog

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up.

Muhammed Ali

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.

Salvador Dali

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

Thomas Alva Edison

Give us the shattering jangle of the old-fashioned alarm clock any day and forget those versions that awaken you with soft music and gentle whispers. If there's anything we can't abide in the morning, it's hypocrisy.

Bits and Pieces

There has been a great proliferation of lawyers in the pat 20 years, just as there has been a proliferation of computers. But unlike computers, lawyers do not get twice as intelligent and half as expensive every two years.

E. Burns
San Francisco Bay Guardian

I don't mind anything that's written about me, as long as it's not true.

Dorothy Parker

The only person who said winning isn't everything never won anything.

Vincent Lombardi

March is the month God created to show people who don't drink what a hangover is like.

Garrison Keillor

Love art. Of all the lies it is the least untrue

If people are injured from the use of liquor, the injury arises not from the use of a bad thing, but from the abuse of a good thing.

The only time I ever said no to a drink was when I misunderstood the question.

Will Sinclair

Arizaphale had tried to explain it to him once. The whole point was that when a human was good or bad it was because they wanted to be. Whereas people like Crowley and, of course, himself, were set in their ways right from the start. People couldn't become truly holy unless they also had the opportunity to be definitely wicked.
Crowley had thought about this for some time and had said, Hang on, that only works if you start everyone off equal, OK? You can't start someone off in a muddy shack in the middle of a war zone and expect them to do as well as someone born in a castle.
Ah, Arizaphale had said, that's the good bit. The lower you start, the more opportunities you have.
Crowley had said, That's lunatic.
No, said Arizaphale, it's effable.

Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman
Good Omens

Don't be so scared of dying that you stop living.

Santosh Mohan

Do not adjust your set. That is the scoreline. Wimbleton: 2, Tottenham: 5.

match commentator

I don't claim to have an answer to every question, but I promise you I have a question for every answer.

David Lander, sleight-of-hand artist

I'm ready to forgive him for the desire to be a king, but not for wanting to have 23 million court jesters.

Milovan Ilic, Yugoslav commentator and humorist