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Simply Delightful - Quotes

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.

Sam Levenson

If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

Sam Levenson

He who slings mud generally loses ground.

Adlai E. Stevenson

I have the simplest of tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

Oscar Wilde

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

WC Fields

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Fred Allen

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Mark Twain

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Alfred Hitchcock

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Dorothy Parker

(contributed by michael)

"... He had a theory, Walt, that the religious life, and all the agony that goes with it, is just something God sicks on people who have the gall to accuse Him of having created an ugly world."

J.D. Salinger
Franny and Zooey

(contributed by David)

Using Lynx to access http://www.playboy.com/ finally gives some truth to the saying, I only read playboy for the articles.

Geology shows that fossils are of different ages. Paleontology shows a fossil sequence, the list of species represented changes through time. Taxonomy shows biological relationships among species. Evolution is the explanation that threads it all together. Creationism is the practice of squeezing one's eyes shut and wailing 'does not!'

(contributed by Fimmy)

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

(contributed by Fimmy)

One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?

Tennis Commentator
Olympics, Athens 2004

(contributed by creather)

A smile is the chosen vehicle for all ambiguities.

Herman Melville

It's like a koala pooped a rainbow on my head and I can taste the colors.

Paul Becker

(contributed by Britni)

BART: You make me sick Homer. You're the one who told me I can do anything if I just put my mind to it.

HOMER: Well now that you are a little bit older I can tell you that that's crock. No matter how good you are at something there always about a million people better than you.

BART: Gotcha. Can't win. Don't try.

Matt Groening
The Simpsons

(contributed by Kate C.)

A Democrat sees a half a glass of water and says, "The glass is half-empty." A Republican sees the same glass of water and says, "Who the hell drank half of my water?"

(contributed by Matt)

If I didn't have some kind of education, then I wouldn't be able to count my money.

Missy Elliott

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.

Hunter S. Thompson

When you're not allowed to stay up late, the secret is to just wake up really, really early.

Bill Amend

Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls - because they can.

Smantha Jones
Sex and the City, Episode 87

(contributed by jennifer)

Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich.

SPONGEBOB: Let's think of some ideas to sell the chocolate bars.

PATRICK: I know, let's get naked!

SPONGEBOB: No, let's save that for when we sell real estate.

SpongeBob SquarePants

So this is America. They must be out of their minds.

Ringo Starr

(contributed by Erin Macnold)

The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride..." And we... kill those people.

Bill Hicks

(contributed by Methuselah)

If there is a heaven for me, I am sure it has a beach attached to it.

Jimmy Buffett

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.

Martin Mull

BRUCE: How do you make sombody love you without messing with free will?

GOD: Welcome to my world. If you figure that out, you let me know.

Bruce Almighty

I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

(contributed by Mark Peterman)

There isn't a damn thing wrong with prayer. During the war I served with a guy who prayed all the time, carried a Bible with him everywhere. We all mocked him to no end. One day, that Bible stopped a bullet, my hand to God, that Bible stopped a bullet. If only he'd had another Bible in front of his face, he'd be alive today.

Delroy Lindo

(contributed by John Slabyk)

When you go out with a drunk, you'll notice how a drunk fills your glass so he can empty his own. As long as you're drinking, drinking is okay. Two's company. Drinking is fun. If there's a bottle, even if your glass isn't empty, a drunk, he'll pour a little in your glass before he fills his own.

Chuck Palahniuk
Invisible Monsters

(contributed by Mia)

You know the world has gone crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black, the Swiss hold the America's cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war.

(contributed by Amber)

Whenever you create something "idiot proof", some bugger comes along with a new improved idiot.

(contributed by Rarius)

Modern man thinks he loses something--time--when he does not do things quickly. Yet he does not know what to do with the time he gains--except kill it.

Erich Fromm

Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.


(contributed by Joe)

Oh I do dislike arguments of any kind, they are almost always vulgar and often convincing.

Oscar Wilde
The Importance of Being Ernest

(contributed by Becky Taylor)

A woman begins by resisting a manís advances and ends by blocking his retreat.

Oscar Wilde

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

Oscar Wilde

The book of life begins with a man and a woman in a garden. It ends with Revelations.

Oscar Wilde

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune, to lose both looks like carelessness.

Oscar Wilde

I have taken more out of alcohol then alcohol has taken out of me.

Winston Churchill

(contributed by Andrew)

In America, fundamentalist Christians believe the world was created 6,000 years ago - in England, people drink in bars that are older than that.

Steve Aylett

(contributed by ken paley)

Women. Can't live with them. The End.

Al Bundy
Married With Children

Make them laugh. They'll have a hard time shooting you.

Cirque du Soleil's Alegria

(contributed by Trinny)

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.

Terry Practchett
Small Gods

Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we're just the tallest people living here.

Tim Allen
Home Improvement

(contributed by Matt)

I've always wanted to make an impact on the world. I've also always wanted to go sky diving. I just hope I don't to both at the same time...

David Brandenburg

If you can read this the bitch fell off.

on the back of a t-shirt for people who ride motorbikes

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.