Simply Delightful - Quotes
But, you know what life really is? You're born, you suck your mother's tits. You get a little older, you suck your girlfriend's tits. You get married, you suck your wife's tits. That's what life is. Life sucks.
When Galaxies Collide
Nietzsche is dead.
The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
You can drop a mouse down a thousand-yard mine shaft and, on arriving at the bottom, it gets a slight shock and walks away. A rat would probably be killed, though it can fall safely from the eleventh story of a building, a man is broken, a horse splashes.
On Being the Right Size
POVERTY: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
SUSHI: Known to the rest of the world as 'Bait'.
And out of the chaos, a voice spoke: "Smile and be happy, for it can always be worse".
And I smiled, and I was happy, and it did get worse.
For those who think life's a joke - just think of the punchline!
Cancer cures smoking.
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes ? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.
Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.
Solution to 2 of the worlds major problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry...
If you think you know what the hell is going on, you're probably full of shit.
Confucius say: man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
Confucius say too much. Chinese proverb
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.
Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.
If Darwin's theory of evolution was correct, cats would be able to operate a can opener by now.
Sure, winning isn't the everything. It's the only thing.
When a person attempts a task, he or she will be thwarted in that task by the unconscious intervention of some other presence (animate or inanimate). Nevertheless, some tasks are completed, since the intervening presence is itself attempting a task and is, of course, subject to interference.
If it looks easy, it's tough.
If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools.
Danbury, Conn., News-Times
You are not Superman! (Freshly graduated recruits from Marine Boot Camp and ALL fighter pilots, take special note.)
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
Marriage is the death of hope.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
Were there no women, men might live like gods.
If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.
Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.
There are always three sides to every story; Your side, the other side and the truth.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are;
Up above I see you shine
But according to Dr. Einstein
You are not where you pretend!
You are just around the bend,
And your sweet seductive ray
Has been leading men astray
All these years, O little star!
Don't you know how bad you are?
Tell me why the stars do shine,
Tell me why the sky is blue,
Tell me what makes the ivy twine,
And I will tell thee why I love you.
Fusion reactions make the stars shine,
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
Brad Pitt's hair, Tom Cruise's smile, George Clooney's body and Bill Gates wallet.
Efficiency is intelligent laziness.
A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight
People are funny; they spend money they don't have to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground and try to find oil? You're crazy.
If A equal success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut.
I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
The common cold, if left untreated, lasts about two weeks. If treated with medication and rest, it lasts about fourteen days.
First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.
Instead of crying over spilt milk, go milk another cow.
And the little girl had approached the bed no nearer than thirty feet when she pulled out a pistol and shot the wolf dead; for even in a cap and nightgown a wolf looks no more like your grandmother than Calvin Coolidge looks like the Metro-Goldwyn lion. Moral: Little girls are not so easy to fool nowadays as they used to be.
in a revision of Little Red Riding Hood
Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
Nothing travels faster than light, with the possible exception of bad news, which follows its own rules.