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Simply Delightful - Quotes

But, you know what life really is? You're born, you suck your mother's tits. You get a little older, you suck your girlfriend's tits. You get married, you suck your wife's tits. That's what life is. Life sucks.

John Ryman
When Galaxies Collide

Nietzsche is dead.


The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"

You can drop a mouse down a thousand-yard mine shaft and, on arriving at the bottom, it gets a slight shock and walks away. A rat would probably be killed, though it can fall safely from the eleventh story of a building, a man is broken, a horse splashes.

J. B. S. Haldane
On Being the Right Size

POVERTY: Having too much month left at the end of the money.

SUSHI: Known to the rest of the world as 'Bait'.

And out of the chaos, a voice spoke: "Smile and be happy, for it can always be worse".
And I smiled, and I was happy, and it did get worse.

For those who think life's a joke - just think of the punchline!

Cancer cures smoking.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes ? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

Rita Rudner

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.

Lew Col

Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.

Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.

Solution to 2 of the worlds major problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry...

If you think you know what the hell is going on, you're probably full of shit.

Robert Anton Wilson

Confucius say: man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.

Confucius say too much.

Chinese proverb

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.
Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.

If Darwin's theory of evolution was correct, cats would be able to operate a can opener by now.

Larry Wright

Sure, winning isn't the everything. It's the only thing.

Harry Sanders

When a person attempts a task, he or she will be thwarted in that task by the unconscious intervention of some other presence (animate or inanimate). Nevertheless, some tasks are completed, since the intervening presence is itself attempting a task and is, of course, subject to interference.

If it looks easy, it's tough.
If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.

Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Gene Brown
Danbury, Conn., News-Times

You are not Superman! (Freshly graduated recruits from Marine Boot Camp and ALL fighter pilots, take special note.)

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).

Marriage is the death of hope.

Woody Allen

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.

Robert Frost

Were there no women, men might live like gods.

Thomas Dekker

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

Thomas Carlyle

Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.

Jean Kerr

There are always three sides to every story; Your side, the other side and the truth.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are;
Up above I see you shine
But according to Dr. Einstein
You are not where you pretend!
You are just around the bend,
And your sweet seductive ray
Has been leading men astray
All these years, O little star!
Don't you know how bad you are?

Tell me why the stars do shine,
Tell me why the sky is blue,
Tell me what makes the ivy twine,
And I will tell thee why I love you.

Fusion reactions make the stars shine,
Rayleigh diffusion makes the sky blue,
Auxins and tropisms make the ivy twine,
Gonads and hormones are why I love you.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Oscar Wilde

Brad Pitt's hair, Tom Cruise's smile, George Clooney's body and Bill Gates wallet.

Miss Piggy, tell US Marie Claire magazine about her perfect composite man

Efficiency is intelligent laziness.

David Dunham

A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight

People are funny; they spend money they don't have to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Lucille S. Harper

Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground and try to find oil? You're crazy.

drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859

If A equal success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut.

Albert Einstein

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.

Charles Schulz

The common cold, if left untreated, lasts about two weeks. If treated with medication and rest, it lasts about fourteen days.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

W. C. Fields

Instead of crying over spilt milk, go milk another cow.

Erna Asp

And the little girl had approached the bed no nearer than thirty feet when she pulled out a pistol and shot the wolf dead; for even in a cap and nightgown a wolf looks no more like your grandmother than Calvin Coolidge looks like the Metro-Goldwyn lion. Moral: Little girls are not so easy to fool nowadays as they used to be.

James Thurber
in a revision of Little Red Riding Hood

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

Mary Ellen Kelly

Nothing travels faster than light, with the possible exception of bad news, which follows its own rules.

Douglas Adams
Mostly Harmless