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Simply Delightful - QuotesCheat if you think you can get away with it - remember, someone with richer parents is getting private tuition. Shoplift as often as you can. Shopping centres factor shoplifting into their prices so if you don't do it, it's like they're getting money for free. Not The Sunscreen Song If god didn't want us to eat in church, he would have made gluttony a sin. It doesn't make any difference how much money you make, your wife can spend it all. Mom: You can when you're Arthur's age. DW:But I'll NEVER be Arthur's age! He'll always be 3 years older than me! Arthur To wonder where the mind goes after the brain decays is as silly as asking where the 70-miles-per-hour have gone after a speeding auto has crashed into a tree. One of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our fathers used in the great struggle for Independence. I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite. One of the tragic consequences of divorce is that the kids are legally obligated by the courts to spend a fixed amount of time with their dads. In normal families, dads and children happily ignore each other. Youth in Revolt Like all great romanticists, Shakespeare knew that love was more likely to end up with a bunch of dead Danish people then with a kiss. Here's to you, and here's to me... And if, by chance, we disagree - Fuck you, and here's to me! Old Marine Corps toast When I make a joke, nobody gets injured... when Congress makes a joke, it's the law. I feel most ministers who claim they've heard God's voice are eating too much pizza before they go to bed at night, and it's really an intestinal disorder, not a revelation. [unlike cats] dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong. The deadliest bullshit is odorless and transparent. When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors. Women and cats do as they dammed well please. Men and dogs had best learn to live with it... I hate high fashion. I hate that we reward people for being genetic freaks. You hear the guys announcing the runway shows saying, 'A pretty face is your best asset this season.' And what? Ugly girls had a free ride last year? This is my best friend. It took me a little while to get to know him, but once you do he never leaves. This is my friend Jack Daniels. The difference between a bitch and a slut, is that a slut is someone who sleeps with everyone and a bitch is someone who sleeps with everybody but you. Chasing Amy You have to believe in God before you can say there are things that man was not meant to know. I don't think there's anything man wasn't meant to know. There are just some stupid things that people shouldn't do. Tomorrow: One of the greatest labour-saving devices of today. The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull. I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room. The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization. The priests used to say that faith can move mountains, and nobody believed them. Today the scientists say that they can level mountains, and nobody doubts them. What is a rebel? A man who says no. I prefer a good pair of boots to Shakespeare. Great warriors, like great earthquakes, are principally remembered for the No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country. She was one in a million, so there's five more just in New South Wales. Up Against the Wall To be old and wise, you first must be young and stupid. The only way to get rid of corruption in high places is to get rid of high places. Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people we personally dislike. Remember there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. Trying is the first step towards failure. The Simpsons I don't try all that much because if I fail, I can always say, "At least I didn't try." The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older. United Features Syndicate Homer: Dad, you're not "with it". Abe: I used to be "with it" then they changed what "it" was, now what i'm with isn't "it" and what's "it" seems strange and scary to me. The Simpsons A true friend stabs you in the front. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to that person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. Deep Thoughts Now it is such a bizarrely improbable conincidence that anything so mindbogglingly useful [as the Babel fish] could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the nonexistence of God.The argument goes something like this: "I refuse to prove that I exist" says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED." "Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. "Oh, that was easy," says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Are you woman enough to be my man? The problem, Mr. Fudd, is that you've been having a sublimal effect on everyone in the factory. We're proud of our product, Mr. Fudd, and there's no company in the world that build a finer skwoo dwivuh. ... Dang! Now you got me doing it! The Far Side Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. To be early is to be on time, to be on time is to be late, and to be late is to be early for the next class. students at Myers Park High "It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever," he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?" Mort After I have sex, I usually wash my hands. Who knows where that money has been! Men are only after one thing - the TV remote control. King Features Syndicate Nobody dies a virgin. Life screws everyone. |
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