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Simply Delightful - Quotes





It is always disappointing to find redeeming qualities in people that you know to be pieces of shit.

Spandrell






We're not great friends, but I admire him. If he thinks he's the best player of the century, that's his problem.

Pele
on Maradona






Razors pain you
Rivers are damp
Acids stain you
And drugs cause cramp
Drugs aren't lawful
Nooses give
Gas smells awful
You might as well live.

Dorothy Parker






I've figured out the boy's punishment: No leaving the house for one week, not even for school. And no egg nog on christmas. In fact, no "nog" period, and lastly, no stealing for three months.

Homer Jay Simpson
The Simpsons






There's nothing wrong with masturbation. It's simply sex with someone you love.

Shelby Moline






Dancing is like masturbation. Fun by yourself, but better when someone does it for you.






I am a man of simple pleasures. The best suits me perfectly.

Oscar Wilde






What idiot was in charge of PR for the Nazi Party? Their ideological views aside, you're just asking to be the bad guys in a war when your main colors are black and gray, you tuck your pants into your leather boots and you have a skull and crossbones as an emblem.

Scott DeVaney
Daily Radar Feature: The 10 Most Grievous Fashion Atrocities of All Time






Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Benjamin Franklin






Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run like hell. He hates that!






I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

Jack Handey






The only way to lose wight in the thighs is amputation.






If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you.

Al Bundy
Married With Children






If a man says something and theres no women around to hear it, is he still wrong?






A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

Times of India






BUFFY: "Faith, these are innocent people."
FAITH: "No such animal."

Buffy the Vampire Slayer






If wild my breast and sore my pride,
I bask in the dreams of suicide.
If cool my heart, and high my head...
I think, 'How lucky are the dead?'

Dorothy Parker
Mortal Thoughts






I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

George Carlin






Why drink and drive if I can smoke and fly?

Bob Marley






Love is a game nature plays to get us to reproduce. I want no part of it.

(Callisto) Hudson Leick
Xena: Warrior Princess






DAPHNE: Now come now Dr. Crane, hasn't a man ever used sex to get what he wants?
FRASIER: How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex IS what we want!

Frasier






Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.






I'll have you know I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.

W. C. Fields






Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

Scott Adams
The Dilbert Principle






I feel sorry for people that don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Frank Sinatra






Life is like a freaking basketball game. Only a few are ever good at it, and they get millions of dollars to play it. The rest of us are stuck shooting 10% on good days, hoping each time for that perfect shot. As if it wasn't enough, you have those god-damned competitions where you shoot from quarter court to win some big prize, don't let that fool you, life isn't giving you chance, its making you realise that you suck at basketball.

Alexandre Lemieux






Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man... living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

George Carlin






A woman who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is obviously setting her sights a little higher.






A million monkeys typing on a million typewritters might produce all the old classics, but more than likely, you'll just get a whole lot of monkey shit.






The art of being a woman is knowing when to not be a lady.






In the beginning the Universe was created. This made a lot of people angry and was generally considered a bad move.

Douglas Adams
The Resturant at the End of the Universe






The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's because they use more bullshit.

Shapiro's Explanation






If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Jerry Seinfeld






People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live.

Jason Alexander (George Costanza)
Seinfeld






VENDOR: We have Mountain Dew and crab juice.

HOMER: Ewwww! I'll take the crab juice.

The Simpsons






If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then, yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I'm a coward.

Jack Handey






Look on the bright side: If the glass is half empty, then I must be half full.






Sure the lion is the undisputed king of the jungle, but throw him in Antarctica, and he is just another penguin's bitch.

Dennis Miller






There are three stages of a man's life: When he believes in Santa Claus, when he doesn't believe in Santa Claus, and when he is Santa Claus.






Anyone who can contemplate quantum physics without getting dizzy hasn't understood it.

Niels Bohr






Make people think they're thinking, and they'll love you; make them really think and they'll hate you.

Justyn Watanabe






When person speak with forked tongue it is good to answer with forked fingers.

Jack Marshall






The mass media will tell you they can't influence human behavior, but that's not what they tell their advertisers.

Daniel McNeil






Why are wrong numbers never busy?






It is a brave man who is the first to sit down during a standing ovation.

Alexander Solzhenitsyn






Trying is the first step towards failure.

The Simpsons






When someone says: "It's not money, it is principle", - it is the money.






Set me anything to do as a task, and it is inconceivable desire I have to do something else.

George B. Show






If I have not seen so far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders.

Hal Abelman






Water? I never touch the stuff. Fish fuck in it.

W. C. Fields








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