SHERMAN'S LAGOON


FILLMORE: How's our wayward polar bear adjusting to life in a tropical lagoon? It must break you heart to think that you might never see you friends in the tundra again.

FILLMORE: Need to be somewhere?

THORNTON: Time for my windsurfing lesson.

THORNTON: I am now officially a tropical polar bear... The transformation is complete. I've found my new home... No more great white north.

THORNTON: Let's use the rest of this iceberg to make Pina Coladas.

SHERMAN: That's the spirit.

THORNTON: Frozen tundra lemmings!

SHERMAN: I got you a whole case of them.

THORNTON: It's the nicest things anybody's done for me. Mmpht.

SHERMAN: Figured you were homesick.

THORNTON: We used to make chocolate-covered lemmings back home. You get one to jump in the pot and they all follow.

SHERMAN: Sounds easy.

ERNEST: He died?

SHERMAN: I'm sorry, Ernest, I had no idea you were so close to a goldfish.

ERNEST: What happened?

SHERMAN: I dunno... Just croaked, I guess.

ERNEST: What'd you do with him?

SHERMAN: Huh?

ERNEST: Where is he?

SHERMAN: Oh... I returned him to nature.

ERNEST: You ate him, didn't you?

SHERMAN: Okay, I ate him. He died then I ate him.

ERNEST: Gross.

SHERMAN: Roughly in that order.

ERNEST: You ate my fish.

SHERMAN: Fillmore, I've found a mate for you. Over there.

FILLMORE: The one with the dreadlocks? Too exotic.

SHERMAN: Oh, she has dreadlocks. That makes here too exotic.

FILLMORE: In her armpits.

SHERMAN: No sense of adventure.

SHERMAN: Hey! Who ate my squidos?

ERNEST: Got me.

FISH: Must've happened while you were alseep.

SHERMAN: I get no respect.

ERNEST: Au Contraire, fat boy. You rule around here.

SHERMAN: I'm a shark. Do you know what that means?

ERNEST: Large carnivore. Tiny brain.

FISH: Pretty dangerous combo.

FILLMORE: What... don't say a word... I noticed you from a distance, and I finally got up the nerve to come over and talk to you. I don't usually do this sort of thing, but it's mating season and you looked lonely.

TURTLE: I'm just holding my wife's purse.

FILLMORE: Beam me up, Scotty.

HAWTHORNE: So, you wanna meet chicks, huh?

FILLMORE: No. I'm looking for a long-term relationship.

HAWTHORNE: Doesn't matter, you still have to break the ice.

FILLMORE: Illuminate me, please.

HAWTHORNE: Just use a line from this book, "How to Talk to Women." Works for me.

FILLMORE: How many long-term relationship have you had?

HAWTHORNE: Hundreds.

FILLMORE: I strike out every mating season, and you have more women than you know what to do with.

SHERMAN: That's the way it is, Fillmore. Life's not fair. Life's not fair, then you die.

FILLMORE: But then what?

SHERMAN: Well... we all have our personal beliefs about the after-death thing. I'll probably be marinated and served on a skewer.

FILLMORE: Vivid.

SHERMAN: Fillmore, I don't think I can function without Megan.

FILLMORE: Welcome to bachelorhood, Sherman.

SHERMAN: When I'm scared and lonely, who's gonne be there?

FILLMORE: I'm there when you need me.

SHERMAN: Who's gonna dream my dreams... dry my tears...

FILLMORE: That's what friends are for.

SHERMAN: Who's gonne smear vaseline on my goiters?

FILLMORE: I don't do goiters.

FILLMORE: SHERMAN!

HAWTHORNE: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

FILLMORE: Take your head out of that oven! Just because your relationship with Megan is down the tubes doesn't mean it's the end of the world.

SHERMAN: I'm just licking the cheese off the bottom of the oven.

SHERMAN: She wants me to have an organ removed to prove my love to her.

HAWTHORNE: Whoah, Nelly! This is getting weird.

SHERMAN: It has to be a vital organ or it doesn't count.

HAWTHORNE: Well... let's see... How about the anterior lobe of the brain.

SHERMAN: Is that a vital organ?

HAWTHORNE: Apparently not.

SHERMAN: I've just come from the doctor's office, and I have bad news, Megan. Apparently, I have no vital organs inside of me... It's all just fish and fish byproducts with no apparent function. Basically, I'm a big lump of cat food.

HAWTHORNE: You saw a mermaid?

SHERMAN: With my own two eyes.

HAWTHORNE: Yeah, sure, fat boy, tell me another one.

SHERMAN: She was blond about yay long.

HAWTHORNE: A little mermaid, huh?

SHERMAN: Yep.

HAWTHORNE: Maybe the little mermaid.

SHERMAN: Maybe.

HAWTHORNE: You truthin' me?

SHERMAN: Yep.

HAWTHORNE: Well, ya don't see on o' those everyday.

SHERMAN: Nope.

HAWTHORNE: Half human, half fish...

SHERMAN: And it tasted like chicken.

HAWTHORNE: No kiddin'?

SHERMAN: You know, Megan, I'm a lot like this can of cheez whiz. I have a hard exterior but there's a soft interior that's dying to get out. You just have to push the right button. Once the cheese whiz is out, you can't get it back in the can.

MEGAN: Let's leave it in the can.

SHERMAN: How much are shark steaks going for today, Fillmore?

FILLMORE: $8.99 a pound.

SHERMAN: YEEEEHA! That makes my net worth $3,000!

HAWTHORNE: I put my whole portfolio in crab meat.

FILLMORE: Down a quarter.

FILLMORE: Uh oh. I think the heat is getting to Thornton!

THORNTON: ICE! I NEED ICE!

FILLMORE: Ice! He needs ice or he's gonna die!

HAWTHORNE: Why would a polar bear want to live in the tropics anyway?

FILLMORE: Here's your ice.

THORNTON: A blender! I need a blender!

FILLMORE: A BLENDER! Wait a minute.

FILLMORE: Welcome back to Kapupu Lagoon, Thornton.

THORNTON: I miss the North Pole already. When I look into my frozen Pina Colada, all I see is the rolling snowdrifts of my home.

FILLMORE: It is a little strange that a polar bear keeps showing up around here. Why'd you come back?

THORNTON: Whenever I look at snowdirfts, I see Pina Coladas.

SHERMAN: Know what? I don't think Thornton wants to go back to the North Pole. I think he likes it here in the tropics.

FILLMORE: No! Really?

HAWTHORNE: How can you tell?

SHERMAN: Call it intuition... insight.

FILLMORE: A sixth sense maybe.

HAWTHORNE: I'd call it X-ray vision.

SHERMAN: Know what else? I think pro wrestling is rigged.

FILLMORE: NO!

HAWTHORNE: Really?

SHERMAN: Thornton, look, I realize it's a tropical paradise around here, but you're a polar bear, and polar bears don't belong. I'm a shark. Nature intended for me to live here. Got it? You're on my turf. Got it?

THORNTON: You're a shark?

SHERMAN: YEAH!

THORNTON: You look like a potato with fins.

MEGAN: Sherman, how long is your brother staying with us?

SHERMAN: Dunno. Why?

MEGAN: It's been a week now. You know what Ben Franklin said... guests and fish both begin to smell after 5 days. And in this case, the guest is a fish.

SHERMAN: "Miss Manners" says if you want to get rid of an unwanted guest, server him a bad dinner. Why don't we serve him that disgusting casserole you always make? That'll send him packing.

MEGAN: It hasn't worked on you.

SHERMAN: Point well taken.

SHERMAN: Before we solve my brother's murder, we need to find out who was the last person to see him alive.

MEGAN: That would be me.

SHERMAN: What was he doing?

MEGAN: He was sitting there, eating his lucky charms.

SHERMAN: Hmph. Then what?

MEGAN: Then he said "hi" to me.

SHERMAN: Fascinating. Then what?

MEGAN: Then I shot him with the spear gun.

SHERMAN: You shot my brother with a spear gun?

MEGAN: It was an accident. I was cleaning it and it went off. Look

SHERMAN: It is a clean spear gun.

MEGAN: Had to clean it twice - it missed him the first time.

SHERMAN: Kahuna, your wise counsel has served me well in the past. Oh, all-knowing one, seer of what is yet to be, share your wisdom so that this mortal can prepare the way.

KAHUNA: Hmmm... Kahuna see volatile year ahead.

SHERMAN: I'm listening.

KAHUNA: Kahuna dump high-tech stocks, go with blue chips.

SHERMAN: What about the world series?

MAN: Sherman, you did remarkably well on your intelligence test.

SHERMAN: Sharks aren't so stupid after all.

MAN: And I thought you were a mindless eating machine. Now I'll have to look at you in a completely different light. You seem to be aware of the stupid things you do.

SHERMAN: Darn tootin'.

SHERMAN: I thought cheating on my intelligence test would help my image, Fillmore. It hasn't fooled anybody. I try to act smart, but somehow, people know I'm stupid. You are what you are, I guess. It's not something you can keep bottled up inside of you.

FILLMORE: Stupidity finds a way.

SHERMAN: What time is it?

FILLMORE: 10:40.

SHERMAN: Need to kill some time before lunch. Brunch

FILLMORE: There you go.

SHERMAN: Look at that cloud, Megan. What do you see?

MEGAN: I see a guy...

SHERMAN: A guy? What kind of guy?

MEGAN: A companion. A soul mate. A guy who cares about me. A guy whose every waking thought isn't about food.

SHERMAN: Hmph. I see a big pork chop.

FISH: See these?

SHERMAN and FILLMORE: Yeah.

FISH: These are razor-sharp, instant death-inducing spine... nobody messes with me. Got it?

FISH: OW!

SHERMAN: Mother nature should've recalled that model.

FILLMORE: I think she just did.

SHERMAN: Mpht. Got something stuck in my teeth... Well, whaddaya know! It's a Saint Anthony medal. They're supposed to bring good luck to swimmers.

FILLMORE: So much for that theory.

ERNEST: There's a cat in the hat.

SHERMAN: No. it's a hat from "The Cat in the Hat."

ERNEST: Huh?

SHERMAN: It's a Dr. Seuss book. Gross. There's a cat in the "Cat in the Hat" hat.

ERNEST: Told you.

SHERMAN: What are you watching, Hawthorne?

HAWTHORNE: "Babe."

SHERMAN: Hmph. Talking animals?

HAWTHORNE: I know, it's a stretch.

SHERMAN: What's this? The first salmon of the season?

BURT: We drew straws, and I lost. I have to swim upstream ahead of the others and look for bears. Somebody's gotta do it.

SHERMAN: The way I see it, you could get eaten by a bear and not come back... or you could sit here and watch the world series and not come back.

BURT: Play ball.

MEGAN: Who's your new friend, Sherman?

SHERMAN: Megan, meet Burt. Burt's a coho salmon.

MEGAN: Hellow Burt.

SHERMAN: Burt should be swimming upstream to raise a family and be a responsible father, but I talked him out of it.

BURT: We're watching the world series instead.

MEGAN: Good. We try to discourage men like you from reproducing.

HAWTHORNE: I didn't know polar bears migrated.

THORNTON: Yep. I spend my summers up north and my winters here in the South Pacific.

HAWTHORNE: Jeez! That's one heck of a swim all the way to the North Pole.

THORNTON: Well, I don't go all the way to the North Pole.

HAWTHORNE: Oh no?

THORNTON: Uh, no.

HAWTHORNE: How far North do you go?

THORNTON: Hawaii.

MEGAN: That killer robotic dolphin is gaining on us, Sherman! I've got an idea. Let's split up.

SHERMAN: Hmmm.... ok. It's been nice knowing you, Megan.

MEGAN: TEMPORARILY!

SHERMAN: Fillmore! Help! There's a killer robotic dolphin chasing me!

FILLMORE: Well, stay away from me!

SHERMAN: Boy, and I though we were friends. After all I've done for you!

FILLMORE: Like what?

SHERMAN: I always give you me pickles from my Big Macs.

FILLMORE: You hate pickles.

FILLMORE: Sherman is helping you write software?

ERNEST: Sort of. I'm taking his thought proccesses and programming the robot to reproduce them. We're one step closer to making robots act like living things, in this case, Sherman. I call it "Artificial Stupidity."

FILLMORE: Has a ring to it.

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