Hollywood AD (7x18)
written by David Duchovny
CIGARETTE SMOKING PONTIFF: I'll offer you a deal. You give me the Lazarus bowl and I'll give you Scully.
RED-HAIRED WOMAN's VOICE: Mulder!
GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: How about this deal? You give me Scully, I don't smash the Lazarus bowl and shove the pieces where the Son of God don't shine, you Cigarette-Smoking Mackerel Snapper.
RATIONAL ZOMBIE: Come on, man. Don't break the bowl. We don't want to go back to being dead. There's no food, no women, no dancing. Save the bowl and we'll dump that Ciggy-Smoking Stooge for you and you'll be the new King of the Dead.
GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: I'd rather serve in Heaven than rule in Hell.
MULDER: Are you going to answer your phone?
MAN: I didn't want to be rude.
MULDER: Sir, who the hell is this guy?
SKINNER: Agent Mulder, Mr. Federman will accompany you today to Christ's Church where he will act as an observer on this case. You will extend to him every courtesy and protection you would a friend of mine and a friend of the Bureau's. Agent Scully, I require your services here for the morning.
MULDER: Sir, have I pissed you off in a way that's more than normal?
MULDER: Cardinal O'Fallon can you think of anyone who might make an attempt on your life?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: The church always has enemies, Agent Mulder.
MULDER: The size of the bomb would have limited its destruction to just the crypt itself. Is there anything down there worth targeting?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: Not really. Just some old bones, artifacts, relics... documents that we store down there in the cold. We like to think of it as God's Refrigerator.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: That's a great line.
CARDINAL O'FALLON: Thank you.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: (into his tape recorder) "God's Refrigerator."
MULDER: Wayne, shut up.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: How about the Shroud of Turin?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: No, afraid not, but we do have the Bathrobe of St. Peter.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: You're kidding?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: Yes, I am.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: That's a good line.
CARDINAL O'FALLON: Thank you.
MULDER: Wayne... Shut up.
SCULLY: Mulder, sorry to denigrate a third of your Trinity, but, uh, looks like Hoffman was killed by one of his own bombs.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Well, from Dharma bum to Dharma bomb.
MULDER: I knew, uh, Hoffman was a master potter...
SCULLY: Yeah, well, it appears he was a master calligrapher as well. Look, Mulder, they've got gum arabic and sodium hydroxide here. Whoo, these would be used to, uh, to age the ink and the paper prematurely. It's a... it's a forger's trick.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Well, from counterculture to counterfeiter.
MULDER: All right, one more pun and I pull out my gun.
SCULLY: ... it looks like some kind of lost Gospel. A gospel of Mary Magdalene, and, uh, an account of Christ's life on Earth after the Resurrection.
SCULLY: Yeah. It's a heretical text, Mulder-- mythical, I should say, but long rumored to be in existence.
MULDER: Well, what would Micah Hoffman be doing with heretical religious texts?
SCULLY: I think the question is: What would Hoffman be doing forging them?
WAYNE FEDERMAN: I think the real question, "Agents," is: What might O'Fallon be doing with Hoffman's forgeries? You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. Don't shoot!
WAYNE FEDERMAN: I like the way you guys work-- no warrants, no permission, no research. You're like studio executives with guns. Should I call you Agent Mulder or Mr. Mulder, or, like do you have a nickname or something like that?
MULDER: Well, you know, sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Well, fiction is quicker than truth and cheaper. You want my advice? You're both crazy.
MULDER: Well, why do you say that?
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Well, you're crazy for believing what you believe. And you're crazy for not believing what he believes. I'll leave you with that. Thank you.
MULDER: I miss him already.
SCULLY: You know, Mulder, I... I know that Federman's bs-ing you, so I'm really hesitant to mention this, but, um... his story reminds me of the Lazarus Bowl.
MULDER: The Lazarus bowl?
SCULLY: We had this wacky nun in Catholic school -- Sister Callahan -- we used to call her "Sister Spooky" 'cause she would tell us scary stories all the time.
MULDER: Twisted sisters, my kind of nun, you know?
SCULLY: Well, she would hold up an old piece of wood with a rusty nail in it, and she would say "this is an actual piece of the cross that Christ's wrist was nailed to." Or she'd show us a vial of red liquid and say that it was John the Baptist's blood, or something.
MULDER: She'd be in prison today. You realize that.
SCULLY: Well, she would tell this story of when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead and she said that there was this old woman who was Lazarus's aunt or something...
MULDER: Lazarus's aunt?
SCULLY: ... who was spinning a clay bowl on a wheel nearby and that Christ's words -- the actual incantation to raise the dead--were recorded in the clay grooves of the pottery just like the way music is recorded into vinyl.
MULDER: You see? It's just not true that you can't get good science at Catholic school. It's a lie.
SCULLY: Well, Sister Spooky says that, uh... that these words in the clay still have the power to raise the dead just like Jesus raised Lazarus.
MULDER: Why were you hiding the documents, sir?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: When Micah came to me... with these, as I then thought, ancient texts and our experts verified them - he exploded a bomb in my heart. The Christ that I'd loved was not the Christ in these texts.
MULDER: So you bought them in order to hide them?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: To keep others from feeling the despair... and the anger that I felt. To protect people from what I can now see they needed no protection from.
MULDER: Why didn't you just destroy the documents yourself?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: I thought they were real. I hated them, I despised them. I would have liked to destroy them, but I couldn't. Is being made a fool of a crime, Agent Mulder?
MULDER: I'd be doing life if it were, sir.
MULDER: I can't really talk about the case, you know.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: That's all right -- Skinman's keeping me in the loop. Listen, who do you see playing you in the movie?
MULDER: I'm in the movie?
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Well, it's a character loosely based on you. It's more of an amalgamation.
MULDER: How about Richard Gere?
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Ho! Yeah, okay. Uh, seriously. What if I said to you the name "Garry Shandling"?
MULDER: Wayne, you're breaking up. It sounded like you said "Garry Shandling."
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Garry Shandling signed on to play the amalgamation loosely based on you and Tea Leoni's playing the amalgamation loosely based on your partner, you stud. The movie's called the Lazarus bowl.
MULDER: How do you know about the Lazarus bowl?
WAYNE FEDERMAN: The Skinman. Listen, Shandling and Leoni want to meet you guys... get your flavor-- it's an actor type thing. Come on out to the studio on our dime. We'll make it nice.
MULDER: Hey, who's... well, then who's going to play Skinner in the movie?
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Richard Gere.
SKINNER: Misidentification of a corpse and subsequent unrequested autopsy...
SCULLY: Sir, the dead man looked very much like Micah Hoffman. He had Hoffman's I.D. on him...
SKINNER: Agent Scully... if I'm carrying Marilyn Monroe's purse do you assume that I slept with J.F.K.?
SKINNER: Agent Mulder, the FBI has always prided itself on the speedy expedition of its cases but this is the first time-- and I hope you're as proud of this as I am-- that we've ever attempted to pursue a murder case where the victim was still alive and healthy.
MULDER: A bomb went off, a crime's been committed. There's a dead body nobody seems to give a damn about, O'Fallon's been less than forthcoming and Hoffman, at the very least is guilty of forgery and extortion.
SKINNER: Agent Mulder, you will leave O'Fallon alone. You will leave Hoffman alone and Agent Scully, you'll put your trigger-happy scalpel away. Best case scenario... you get to keep your jobs. Worst case, O'Fallon and the church bring a huge embarrassing lawsuit against the Bureau which will feature you two as its sacrificial lambs. As of right now... I am forcing you to take a four-week leave effective immediately pending review.
MULDER: I think this whole Richard Gere thing is going to Skinner's head.
CHUCK BURKS: Compadres. I teased out something very fabulous from your pottery there. Layered in under the ambience there. Guess what language that is.
MULDER: Chuck, I've had a bad day.
CHUCK BURKS: It's a dead language. I had a linguist in here to listen to the recording. It's Aramaic.
SCULLY: That's the language that Christ spoke. Did your linguist happen to translate it?
CHUCK BURKS: Yes, he did. It's in two parts. The first part here roughly translates as "I am the walrus. I am the walrus. Paul is dead. Coo-coo-ca-choo." Although there is no Aramaic word for "walrus." So it literally says "I am the bearded cow-like sea beast."
MULDER: What's the second part?
CHUCK BURKS: Second part's a little freakier. Here.
SCULLY: What is it?
CHUCK BURKS: It appears to be one man commanding another to rise from the dead.
SCULLY: Do you think it's at all possible that Hoffman is really Jesus Christ?
MULDER: Are you making fun of me?
MULDER: Well, no, I don't. But crazy people can be very persuasive.
SCULLY: Well, yes, I know that. Maybe true faith is really a form of insanity.
MULDER: Are you directing that at me?
SCULLY: No. I'm directing it at myself and at Ed Wood.
MULDER: Well, you know, even a broken clock is right 730 times a year.
MULDER: Nice to meet you.
GARRY SHANDLING: Nice to meet you.
TEA LEONI: It's a pleasure.
MULDER: Big fan. Fox Mulder.
TEA LEONI: No kidding. Huh. Well, you know, while I've got you here maybe, uh, maybe you could show me how to run in these things. Right over here, I was thinking 'cause, I tell you, I'm having a hell of a time with these heels. What, are they government issue or something?
GARRY SHANDLING: How are you? Seriously, listen could I ask you something?
GARRY SHANDLING: Uh, do you dress to the left or to the right?
MULDER: What do you... What do you mean?
GARRY SHANDLING: Look, when I play a character I need to find his center, his, sort of, rudder, so to say and then everything comes from that.
MULDER: Uh... I guess mostly to the left.
GARRY SHANDLING: "Mostly"?
MULDER: Most of the time.
ZOMBIE: What is this?
SUGAR BEAR: Cut! Go ahead, ruin my career.
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT : What seems to be the problem, Mr. Zombie, sir?
ZOMBIE: What the hell is this? What the hell's in my mouth? What's Tea Leoni's shoulder made out of?
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT : Uh, craft service, what is Tea Leoni's shoulder made of?
TINA THE CRAFT SERVICE GIRL: Turkey, just like you asked for.
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT : Turkey. Ms. Leoni's shoulder's made of turkey.
ZOMBIE: Tofurkey! I asked for tofurkey! I'm a vegetarian! Half the zombies are vegetarian! Oh, my God!
TOFURKEY ZOMBIE: The people are made out of turkey!
MULDER: You know, Scully, I was just thinking about Lazarus, Ed Wood, and those tofurkey-eating zombies. How come when people come back from the dead they always want to hurt the living?
SCULLY: Well, that's because people can't really come back from the dead, Mulder. I mean, ghosts and zombies are just projections of our own repressed cannibalistic and sexual fears and desires. They are who we fear that we are at heart-- just mindless automatons who can only kill and eat.
MULDER: Party pooper. Well, I got a new theory. I say that when zombies try to eat people, that's just the first stage. You see, they've just come back from being dead so they're going to do all the things they miss from when they were alive. So, first, they're going to eat, then they're going to drink, then they're going to dance and make love.
SCULLY: Oh, I see. So it's just that we never get to stay with them long enough to see the gentler side of the undead.
SKINNER: Listen, I just wanted to apologize for coming down so hard on you during the Hoffman slash O'Fallon case.
MULDER: Oh. I appreciate that, Skinman.
SKINNER: Don't call me that.
MULDER: Yes, sir.
MULDER: Uh... So what are you up to right now, sir?
SKINNER: I'm taking a bubble bath.
MULDER: Uh, hold on just one second, sir. Hey, Scully, Skinman is calling me from a bubble bath.
SKINNER: It's still me, Mulder.
MULDER: Uh, sir, well, hold on one second, sir.
MULDER: Yeah, Skinner is calling me from a bubble bath.
SCULLY: Wow, he's really gone Hollywood.
SCULLY: You know, Mulder, speaking of Hollywood, I think that Tea Leoni has a little crush on you.
MULDER: Oh, yeah, right. Like Tea Leoni's ever going to have a crush on me.
SCULLY: I think that Shandling likes you a bit, too.
TEA LEONI AS SCULLY: Wait, wait, Mulder... I can't.
GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: I know this feels wrong because we're friends and we treat each other as equals, but...
TEA LEONI AS SCULLY: No, no, it's not that. It's not that.
GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: Well, what then?
TEA LEONI AS SCULLY: I'm in love with Assistant Director Walter Skinner.
MULDER: That's it, Scully, I can't take it anymore.
SCULLY: Shh, Mulder, sit down.
GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: What does he have that I don't have?
TEA LEONI AS SCULLY: A bigger flashlight.
MULDER: No, no, it's just beginning. Hoffman and O'Fallon were these complicated, flawed, beautiful people and now they'll just be remembered as jokes because of this movie. The character based on O'Fallon is listed in the credits as "Cigarette-Smoking Pontiff." How silly is that?
SCULLY: Pretty silly.
MULDER: Yeah, what about us? How are we going to be remembered now 'cause of this movie?
SCULLY: Well, hopefully, the movie will tank.
MULDER: What about all the dead people who are forever silent and can't tell their stories anymore? They're all going to have to rely on Hollywood to show the future how we lived and it'll all become... oversimplified and trivialized and Cigarette-Smoking Pontificized and become as plastic and meaningless as this stupid plastic Lazarus Bowl.
SCULLY: I think the dead are beyond caring what people think about them. Hopefully we can adopt the same attitude. You do know that there aren't real dead people out there, right? That this is a movie set?
MULDER: The dead are everywhere, Scully.
SCULLY: Mulder, I have something to confess.
MULDER: What's that?
SCULLY: I'm in love with Associate Producer Walter Skinner.
MULDER: Ah... Me, too.