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Trying to Live Alone
05 April 2002
It's been a while since I've written anything at all. Why not? Said many. I can't write anything when I am happy, I write best when I am in pain. My words form meaning on paper like blood oozing out from an open wound, I says to them. And it's true, for the past two years, I turned my back on my words and fell in love.
So here I am, tappity-tapping in front of the computer, pouring out my nonsensical ramblings, it can only mean one thing. Go figure.
It was magical. A meaning to the abyss of confusion. My missing piece of the puzzle of which I call life. But I chose to walk away. Away from what I had. I have tried so long since to find a song to say how I actually feel and why I did it. I found it in one of my old slow rock CDs.
I held you for a moment in my hands
You might be asking, if you loved her, you wouldn't have had walked away. Well, my friend, I loved her. With all my heart and soul. I never did care about anyone in my life and I don't think I will care about anyone the same way I did for her. I wanted to marry this person. We had plans for the future.
When I least expected it, She said choose, and I chose.
Even in front of my friends, I am still the same. Looking stronger in fact but inside, I feel lost. My world is a mess again and I look for order in my work, my new found freedom and everything I wasn't allowed to do in the past year.
And many a night after she left my world, I wondered to myself, did I love her?
Love is a magical thing. The thing that inspired me to produce my best works in film and my productions. But now? Where is the love that used to comfort me while I slept?
Not because I am afraid I can't tell reality from fantasy. But I fear the waking moment, because that's the point of time where I will lose everything I long for in a single second.
Maybe we are such stuff dreams are made of, then maybe I won't wake up crying to dream again. Dreams are made up of the impossible; the stuff we've left behind. The trinkets of our past that we wish we still had. But these days I can't be sure what dreams are made of anymore. And to tell you the truth, I don't think I care anymore.
Why do I still care for her then? Even till today, even when the thought of her still kills me inside?
But I'll always love her. All my life. Maybe it'll fade away with time. But I know that when I go back to Perth, my paradise on earth and go back to the places to where there was light and colour and laughter in my world of black and white, I know I will remember her and remember how it is to love someone and to loved in return.
But now, it's back to the shadows. To my four walls where I face every night and drive myself insane wishing I could touch her face.
And I'm trying to live alone.