Calvin:     Who's the bimbo with you in this old prom picture? Dad:         THAT "BIMBO" IS YOUR MOTHER! Calvin:     I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple. Calvin:     BU-URRP! Mum:       Good heavens, Calvin! What do we say after that? Calvin:     "Must be a barge coming through!" Mum:       WHAT do you say?! Calvin:     "That sure tasted better going down than coming up!" Mum:       Three strikes and you're history, kiddo. Calvin:     Excuse me. Calvin:     Well, I'll be! Your popularity is improving! You went up 30 points! Dad:        Really? Calvin:     Heck, no wonder! I'm reading the graph upside down.                What a klutz I am!... Hope you're all packed, Dad. Dad:        Don't you have some homework to do? Calvin:     Look, Hobbes, I need you to come to school with me and show Moe a little fang, OK?                 You don't need to kill him or anything. Just give 'im something to think about on the way to surgery.                 He usually comes after me during recess, so we'll get him then. Hey, you don't have rabies do you? Hobbes:   Certainly not! Calvin:     Rats. Well I suppose he'd at least have to get a tetanus shot. Calvin:     People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children. Calvin:     Mum, can Hobbes and I rent a VCR and a tape tonight? Mum:       I don't think so Calvin. It's a school night. Calvin:     What if we got an education tape? Mum:       Like what? Calvin:     "Cannibal Stewardess Vixens Unchained." Calvin:     Psst... Susie! What's the answer to question four? Susie:      Imadoofus. Calvin:     Thanks! Calvin:     * Calvin:     The tooth fairy's gonna make you rich tonight, Susie. Mum:       I thought you said you were going to rake the yard today. Dad:         I did rake the yard. I spent all afternoo - WHERE'S CALVIN?! Susie:      I don't see why you'll play with your dumb ol' tiger and not with Mr. Bun and me!                 You're just mean, That's all. Calvin:     Go play in a microwave, Susie. We're busy. Calvin:     Girls are like slugs - they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what. Hobbes:   Mr. Bun seems comatose, did you notice? Calvin:     Dad, Look! The sun's setting and it's only 3 o'clock. Dad:         It's not 3 o'clock. Your watch stopped. Calvin:     Time doesn't stop if your watch stopped? Dad:         Nope. Calvin:     Phooey. For a moment there I thought I'd get rich patenting this thing. Dad:         I'D have bought one. Hobbes:   I've had enough time traveling. Let's go home. Calvin:     Let's go just a little into the future and see what I'm like as a teenager. Hobbes:   Let's not, all right? Mum:       Someday I hope you have a kid that puts you through what I've gone through. Calvin:     Yeah, Grandma says that's what she used to tell you. Calvin:     ... So could I, Mum? Please? ..Pleeeaase? Hobbes:   I still don't think giving her 'Bambi Eyes' is going to get you a flamethrower. Calvin:     Maybe I should sniffle a little too, huh? Calvin:     I want horsey ride! Dad:        I'm busy Calvin. Calvin:     You know, Dad, it won't be long before I'm all grown up. One day you'll wake up and wonder how all the years slipped by. You'll look back and say, "Where has the time gone? Calvin's so big, it's hard to remember he was small enough that I could give him horsey rides." ... But those days would be lost forever. Dad:        I think I've worked through my potential guilt now. Calvin:     No, no! Jump the fence! Calvin:     Why can't I stay up late? You guys can! IT'S NOT FAIR! Dad:        The world isn't fair, Calvin. Calvin:     I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor? Calvin:     I was put on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind I will never die. Hobbes:     This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen... Calvin:     I liked things better when I didn't understand them. Calvin:     I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night. Calvin:     Art is dead! There's nothing left to say. Style is exhausted and content is pointless. Art has no purpose. All that's left is commodity marketing. Calvin:     Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience. Calvin:     Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Hobbes:   Probably so we can think twice. Calvin:     I was reading about how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by Man's destruction of forests. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. Moe:        I want that truck, Twinky. Calvin:     It's mine Moe. I brought it from home. Moe:        I said gimme the truck. Calvin:     Moe, you can't just take things from people because you're bigger! Moe:        I'm not taking it. You're giving it to me because we'll both be so much happier that way. Calvin:     How touching. Calvin:     You know, sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place. Hobbes:   That's why animals are so soft and huggy. Calvin:     ...Yeah... Calvin:     Boy, did I get in trouble. Stealing Mom's shoes and making Mom and Dad late... then locking the baby sitter out of the house... whoof. That's a lot to live down for just one evening. I feel pretty bad. Hobbes:   And having eaten a whole package of oreos doesn't help. Calvin:     You said it. Calvin:     I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks. If you can just get most people to leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find even one person you really like, you're lucky. And if that person can also stand you, you're really lucky. Hobbes:   What if you find someone you can talk to while you eat apples on a bright fall morning? Calvin:     Well, yeah... I suppose there's no point in getting greedy, is there? Calvin:     I've got an idea, Dad. Maybe I'd get better grades if you offered me $1 for every "D", $5 for every "C". $10 for every "B", and $50 for every "A"! Dad:        I'm not going to bribe you Calvin, you should apply yourself for your own good. Calvin:     Rats. I thought I could make an easy four bucks. Calvin:     I can't sleep, Hobbes. I've been thinking. Hobbes:   About what? Calvin:     Well, I suppose there's no afterlife. That would mean this life is all you get. And that would mean I'm sitting here in bed as precious moments of my all-too-short life disappear forever. Mum:       Honey, wake up. Do you hear the television on? Calvin:     The strangest thing happened to me a few minutes ago. Mum:       Oh? What? Calvin:     I was minding my own business, when suddenly I was zapped into some sort of space void vortex! There I watched helplessly as an evil duplicate of myself from a parallel universe took my place on earth, and... Mum:       What have you done now? Calvin:     No, no, see, it wasn't me... Calvin:     Dad, how come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then? Dad:        Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It's just the world was black and white then. Calvin:     Really? Dad:        Yep. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too. Calvin:     That's really weird. Dad:        Well, truth is stranger than fiction. Calvin:     But then why are old paintings in color?! If their world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way? Dad:        Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane. Calvin:     But... but how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then? Dad:        Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the '30s. Calvin:     So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too? Dad:        Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember? Calvin:     The world is a complicated place, Hobbes. Hobbes:   Whenever it seem that way, I take a nap in a tree and wait for dinner. Calvin:     I've got to write a report for school. Hobbes:   Bats. Can you imagine anything more stupid? Calvin:     Heck, I don't know anything about bats! How am I supposed to write a report on a subject I know nothing about?! It's impossible! Hobbes:   I suppose research is out of the question. Calvin:     Oh, like I'm going to learn about bats and then write a report?! Give me a break! Calvin:     Hello, Susie? This is Calvin. You know this report we're supposed to write for school? Yeah. My topic is bats. What's yours? Elephants? Hmm. Well, are you going to the library to look up elephants? You are? Great! While you're there, could you research bats too and make copies of all the information you find, and maybe underline the important parts for me and sort of outline it, so I wouldn't have to read it all? Hobbes:   How'd it go? Calvin:     I really loathe girls. Calvin:     I think we've got enough information now, don't you? Hobbes:   All we have is one "fact" you made up. Calvin:     That's plenty. By the time we add an introduction, a few illustrations, and a conclusion, it will look like a graduate thesis. Besides, I've got a secret weapon that will guarantee a good grade! No teacher can resist this! A clear plastic binder! Pretty professional looking, eh? Hobbes:   I don't want co-author credit on this, OK? Calvin:     I've been thinking, Hobbes. Hobbes:   On a weekend? Calvin:     Well, it wasn't on purpose... Calvin:     Hi Susie. What did you bring for lunch today? Susie:      A swiss cheese and ketchup sandwich. It's my very favorite, too. So I don't want to hear what gross thing you brought. Calvin:     Relax, Susie, I bought the cafeteria lunch today. Susie:      Good. Calvin:     It appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce. Susie:      THAT'S BEANY-WIENIES! Calvin:     Really? Oh gross. Dad:        Hello? Calvin:     Hi, Dad. It's me, Calvin. Dad:        You're supposed to be at school! Calvin:     I am at school. Dad:        Are you all right? What's the matter? Why are you calling? Calvin:     I told the teacher I had to go to the bathroom. Quick. What's 11 + 7? Calvin:     How am I supposed to do my homework when I'm trapped on the ceiling? It's impossible.                :) Miss Wormwood: Yes, Calvin? You have a question? Calvin:                 Yeah, I was wondering if we could stop the lesson here and adjourn to the playground for the rest of the day. Miss Wormwood: Of course not. Now then, let's all turn to page 24 and... Calvin:                 Miss Wormwood? Miss Wormwood: Yes? Calvin:                 How about just me then? Calvin:     Dear Santa, How are you? Well enough chit chat. Let's get down to business. This year I want... Calvin:     EWW! What's this disgusting stuff? Mum:       It's spider pie. You can pick out the big legs and give them to your dad if they're too hairy for you. Calvin:     S-s-spider p-pie? Mum:       Why, I believe we're going to have a quiet dinner for once. Dad:        I know I don't feel like opening my mouth. Calvin:     Hey I like it! Calvin:     I try to be good! I do! My heart is as pure as driven snow! It's just that, well, sometimes events beyond my control conspire against me! I'm usually an innocent bystand... HEY, I saw you roll your eyes! So you don't believe me, eh?! Hobbes:   Me?? Calvin:     By golly, each of your eyes will be rolling toward the other when I'm through with you! Hobbes:   Ha! I hope you asked Santa for some crutches! Calvin:     ... I asked Santa for such great presents that I can withstand any temptation. I'm being an absolute angel. Susie:      What did you ask for? Calvin:     A heat-seeking guided missle. I figure five minutes with one of those babies will make up for this whole rotten month. Calvin:     Want to help me write a book? Hobbes:   Sure. What's it about? Calvin:     Well, you know what historical fiction is? This is sort of like that. I'm writing a fictional autobiography. It's the story of my life, but with a lot of parts completely made up. Hobbes:   Why would you make up your own life? Calvin:     Because in my book I have a flame thrower! Calvin:     Hi Mom! I'm making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. Mum:       That's nice. Calvin:     Now I'm looking for a page one lead story. Can I interview you? Mum:       Sure Calvin:     OK, what are you cutting up there for dinner? Mum:       Fish Calvin:     KNIFE WELDING MOTHER HACKS ICHTHYOID! GRIM MELEE IS EVENING RITUAL! SUBURBAN FAMILY DEVOURS VICTIM! Mum:       Out of the kitchen! Out! Out! Dad:        What story would you like tonight, Calvin? Calvin:     Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie! Dad:        Oh no, not again! That's what you hear every night! Let's read something different. Calvin:     I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! Dad:        C'mon, we'll read a new story tonight. You'll like it, I promise. Calvin:     No I won't! I'll stay awake until morning if you don't read Hamster Huey! Hobbes:   I didn't remember Hamster Huey having quite that sarcastic tone of voice. Calvin:     Or doing everything so fast. Christmas Eve On window panes, the icy frost Leaves feathered patterns, crissed & crossed, But in our house the Christmas tree Is decorated festively With tiny dots of colored light That cozy up this winter night. Christmas songs, familiar, slow, Play softly on the radio. Pops and hisses from the fire Whistle with the bells and choir. My tiger is now fast asleep On his back and dreaming deep. When the fire makes him hot, He turns to warm whatever's not. Propped against him on the rug, I give my friend a gentle hug. Tomorrow's what I'm waiting for, But I can wait a little more. Calvin:     Ha ha! It's Christmas! Hurry up, Mom and Dad! It's almost dawn! Hobbes:   Here, I got you a present. Calvin:     You got me a present? Gosh Hobbes, how nice! Hobbes:   I picked it out myself! Open it! Calvin:     Why, it's... it's three cans of... uh... salmon. Um. Thanks, Hobbes. Hobbes:   You're welcome! Calvin:     Gee, I didn't get you a present. I feel terrible. Hobbes:   I thought of that. See, you could give me mine back! That would be a good present! Calvin:     Well then, here! Merry Christmas Hobbes! Hobbes:   Why, thank you! It's just what I wanted! Merry Christmas! Hobbes:   A new decade is coming up. Calvin:     Yeah, big deal! Hmph. Where are the flying cars? Where are the moon colonies? Where are the personal robots and the zero gravity boot, uh? You call this a new decade?! You call this the future?? HA! Where are the rocket packs? Where are the disintegration rays? Where are the floating cities? Hobbes:   Frankly, I'm not sure people have the brains to manage the technology they've got. Calvin:     I mean, look at this! We still have weather?! Give me a break! Hobbes:   Are you making any resolutions for the new year? Calvin:     Resolutions? ME?? Just what are you implying? That I need to change?? Well, Buddy, as far as I'm concerned, I'm perfect the way I am! For your information, I'm staying like this, and everyone else can just get used to it! If people don't like me the way I am, well, tough beans! It's a free country! I don't need anyone's permission to be the way I want! This is how I am - take it or leave it! By golly, life's too darn short to waste time trying to please every meddlesome moron who's got an idea how I ought to be! I don't need advice! Everyone can just stay out of my face! Calvin:     Before going down a steep hill like this, one should always give his sled a safety check. Hobbes:   Right. Calvin:     Seat belts? Hobbes:   None. Calvin:     Signals? Hobbes:   None. Calvin:     Brakes? Hobbes:   None. Calvin:     Steering? Hobbes:   None.      WHEEEEEE Calvin:     Oh no! I just remembered that today is "Show and Tell" day! I need something to show and tell about. Mum:       Why can't you think of these things more than two minutes before the bus comes? Calvin:     What can I take? I've gotta take something. I've.. ah...      ACHOOO Calvin:     Never mind, Mom! Do we have any plastic bags? Mum:       I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't... Calvin:     Genius is never understood in it's own time. Calvin:     Dad, if you threw a snowball at someone, but deliberately missed, would that be "bad"? Dad:        Well, I suppose that would be provoking, so yes, it would be a little bad. Calvin:     As bad as if you'd hit the person? Dad:        No, not that bad, but worse than if you hadn't thrown it at all. Calvin:     Suppose you just grazed the person. How bad would that be? Say maybe you knocked off his hat and his glasses or something. Dad:        That would mean instant death. Calvin:     Boy, this pudding was great! Can I take a bowl upstairs to Hobbes? Mum:       No. I think you've had enough. Calvin:     I didn't say for me. I said for Hobbes! Mum:       Well, I don't think "Hobbes" needs any either. Calvin:     WHY NOT?! Mum:       Um... because tigers need to stay lean and mean. Calvin:     That's what she said. Hobbes:   I'm lean! I'm mean! Tell her chocolate pudding makes my coat lustrous. Calvin:     Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a "Double Word Score" box! Hobbes:   "ZQFMGB" isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel! Calvin:     It is so a word! It's a worm found in New Guinea! Everyone knows that! Hobbes:   I'm looking it up. Calvin:     You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter words you played with all the Xs and Js! Hobbes:   What's your score for ZQFMGB? Calvin:     957. Moe:        Hey Twinky, gimme a quarter. Calvin:     WHAT?! Why should I give you my money?! Moe:        It's for the "Let Calvin Live Through Recess Fund." Calvin:     Sounds like a worthy cause. Calvin:        His motto is "Give before it hurts." Calvin:     MOMMM! I NEED A DRINK OF WATER! Mum:       Mphhh... Calvin it's after midnight. Get a drink yourself. Calvin:     I can't. There are monsters under my bed! I'm scared. Mum:       OK... OK... OK... Dad:        Once upon a time, there was a... Calvin:     Hold it. You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, and then the bears join up with the big bad wolf and eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood! Tell me a story like that, OK? Dad:        And how should Hansel and Gretel meet their untimely demise? Calvin:     The witch eats them and then the wolf eats the witch. Calvin:     Hey Dad, can I take the gas can for the lawn mower out in the back yard? Dad:        What on earth for? It's 8:00 at night! Calvin:     I want to pour gasoline in big letters on the lawn and set fire to it so airplanes can read it as they fly over! Dad:        No, you can't do that! Don't be ridiculous! Dad:        I don't even want to know what he intended to write. Calvin:     Where do we keep the extension cords? Mum:       In the pantry on the bottom shelf. Calvin:     Where do we keep the blades for Dad's electric saw? Mum:       In the... why do you want to know? Calvin:     Huh? Oh I'm just making an inventory list so we'll always know where to find things. Calvin:     I get the feeling there was no right answer to that question. Calvin:     This is awful! If we step out of line once tonight, Rosalyn will kill us, and then Mom and Dad will kill us again when they get home. Susie:      Why didn't you sign up to play baseball like the rest of the boys? Don't you like sports? Calvin:     I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebody's always yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. I figure when I want that, I'll join the army and at least get paid. Dad:        C'mon, let's go outside and try some catches before dinner, OK? A little practice will make you more confident tomorrow at recess. Calvin:     I hate these father-son things. Dad:        Go out a little bit, and I'll hit you a grounder. Calvin:     Why did I sign up for this? I should just move. Dad:        Ready? Now be sure to run up to the ball. Don't just let it roll to you. Dad:        Are you OK? Sometimes the ball bounces up like that, and you've got to be ready. Calvin:     Tags for the tib, Dad. Fide my node and pud id in ice so they can sew id bag od! Mum:       Goodness, what happened?! You were only out there a minute. Dad:        A grounder bounced up and hit Calvin in the nose. Calvin:     I'B BLEEDIG! BY ODE DAD ID TRYIG TO GILL ME! Mum:       Hold your head back, honey. Here's some more tissues. Calvin:     I'b nod playig badeball eddy more! Nebber again! I hade it! Mum:       Sit still so the bleeding can stop, OK? Dad:        I guess we can forget having a millionaire baseball player support us in our old age. Mum:       Dear! Calvin:     All by charagder id drippig out by node! Calvin:     I don't understand it, Hobbes. The kids teased me when I play baseball. Then they yelled at me when I did play. Then the teacher called me a "quitter" when I stopped playing. Unless you're a star you can't please anyone. Hobbes:   In that case, why not just please yourself? Calvin:     Because Mom won't let me move to Madagascar. Calvin:     Hey Hobbes, what's a "paper tiger"? Hobbes:   It's like a paper boy. You know, a tiger with a newspaper route. Calvin:     Oh. Calvin:     This book makes no sense at all. Dad:        "Once upon a time..." Calvin:     Hold it. This story doesn't have any shoot-ups in it, does it? Dad:        You mean guns? No. Calvin:     Any violence at all? Dad:        Um... not really. Calvin:     Any reference to satanism? Any profanity? Any car chases? Any lewd parts? Dad:        Of course not! Calvin:     What makes you think I'll like this? Dad:        Playing a record? I'll show you something interesting. Compare a point on the label with a point on the record's outer edge. They both make a completed circle in the same amount of time, right? Calvin:     Yeah... Dad:        But the point on the record's edge has to make a bigger circle in the same time, so it goes faster. See, two points at two speeds even though they both make the same revolutions per minute! Calvin:     Can I ride in the grocery cart? Mum:       I think you're a little big for that now. Calvin:     PLEASE?? Mum:       All right, up you go. Calvin:     Oh boy! Now run down the aisle and let go! Calvin:     Hey, Mom, can we go out for pizza tonight? Mum:       No, we had pizza last night, and besides, it's too expensive to eat out all the time. Calvin:     Oh, you'd rather blow the evening cooking and washing dishes than spend a few bucks? Dad:        It seems like we go out for pizza a lot these days. Mum:       If you'd rather fix a dish of cereal at home, be my guest. Calvin:     What's this music? Hobbes:   It's "The 1812 Overture." Calvin:     I kinda like it. Interesting percussion section. Hobbes:   Those are cannons. Calvin:     And they perform this in crowded concert halls?? Gee, I thought classical music was boring! Calvin:     Psst... Susie! What's 12 + 7? Susie:      A billion. Calvin:     Thanks! Wait a minute. That can't be right... That's what she said 3 + 4 was. Calvin:     Were there dinosaurs when you were a kid, Dad? Dad:        Oh sure! Your grandfather and I used to put on our leopard skins and hunt brontosaurus for all the clan rituals. Mum:       Listen, buster, I think Calvin's grades are bad enough already, don't you? Mum:       Calvin, how did you break this dish? Calvin:     I was carrying too much and it dropped. Mum:       Your problem is you've got no common sense. Calvin:     I've got plenty of common sense. I just choose to ignore it. Calvin:     I've decided I want to be a millionaire when I grow up. Dad:        Well you'll have to work pretty hard to get a million dollars. Calvin:     No, I won't. You will. Dad:        Me? Calvin:     I just want to inherit it. Calvin:     Ah... ah... AH... ... AH...kbthchh! Hobbes:   Why'd you hold it in? Calvin:     I'm trying to blow my shoes off. Hobbes:   It says on the back of this record that the composer could play the piano at age three. He wrote his first symphony when he was four. That's amazing. Calvin:     When I was four, I think I was toilet trained. Dad:        We seem to have a waterfall down the stairway, dear. I'll go see what your kid is doing. Mum:       MY KID?!? C'mere and let me explain something to you... Calvin:     Hi, Mom! Since you're sick, I'm bringing you breakfast in bed! I prepared eggs, toast and orange juice for you all by myself. Mum:       How nice! Calvin:     The eggs kind of burned and stuck to the pan. But you can probably chip them out with this chisel. Mum:       Um... where is the toast and orange juice? Calvin:     Dad said not to tell you about that till you're better. Calvin:     Sometimes when I'm sick, you read me a story. Want me to read you one? Mum:       No, thanks, Calvin. I just want to rest. Calvin:     It's hard to be a mom for a mom. Mum:       You do fine, sweetie. Calvin:     WHOA! HEY! ARE YOU CONTAGIOUS?! Hobbes:   What's wrong with you mom, do you know? Calvin:     No. She went to the doctor, though. Hobbes:   I wonder if... nah. Calvin:     What? Hobbes:   You don't suppose she's going to have a baby, do you? Calvin:     A BABY?!? Why would she want another kid? She's already got ME! Hobbes:   Yes, you'd think she'd have learned her lesson... Calvin:     I asked Dad if Mom was going to have a baby, and he said not that he knew of. Dad said we'd know if Mom was having a kid because she'd look like a hippopotamus with a gland problem... That's when Mom creamed him with her pillow. Dad says she must be feeling better. Calvin:     Hey, Mom, I got a part in the class play! I get to say a line, and everything! Mum:       That's wonderful, Calvin. Calvin:     It's a great dramatic role! my character will have everyone in tears at the end of the second act! Mum:       What's the play? Calvin:     "Nutrition and the Four Food Groups." I'm an onion. Calvin:     How's my onion costume coming, Mom? Mum:       I'm still working on it. I wish your class would do something less elaborate. I'm not much of a seamstress. Calvin:     Just be glad I'm not Russy White. He has to be an amino acid. Mum:       Mm. What do you think? Calvin:     Jabba the Hut meets Rudolf the Reindeer. I dunno, Mom. Susie:      Do you have your line memorized for the nutrition play, Calvin? Calvin:     I'm still learning it. Being an onion is a difficult role, you know. What are you? Susie:      I'm "Fat." Calvin:     No, I mean in the play. Susie:      ANYONE ELSE WANT TO SAY IT?!? Susie:      Want to trade sandwiches, Calvin? Calvin:     No, I've got my favorite kind. What did you bring? Susie:      Peanut butter. Calvin:     I have processed mouse loaf. Susie:      Oh, gross. That's not really mouse loaf. It looks like egg salad. Calvin:     Taste it and see. Here, I think this is a whisker. It's good. Calvin:     How do they know the load limit on bridges, Dad? Dad:        They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. Calvin:     Oh, I should've guessed. Mum:       Dear, if you don't know the answer, just tell him! Hobbes:   Let's ask the Ouija Board another question. Calvin:     OK, I've got one. Oh great Ouija Board, will I grow up to be president? Hobbes:   It's moving! Calvin:     "G... O..." Hobbes:   "D... F... O...R... B... I... D." Calvin:     When I want an editorial I'll ask for it, you stupid board! Hobbes:   This article says that many people find Christmas the most stressful time of the year. Calvin:     I believe it. This season sure fills me with stress. Hobbes:   Really? How come? Calvin:     I hate being good. Calvin:     Hey Dad, I have a question. Dad:        Sure Calvin. What do you want to know? Calvin:     If you plugged up your nose and mouth right before you sneezed, would the sneeze go out your eyes, or would your head explode? Dad:        I was kind of hoping you had a math problem or something. Calvin:     ... Either way I'm scared to try it. Hobbes:   Your turn. Calvin:     Well, if I used your letter "I", I can spell "IN." That's 3 points. Hobbes:   I pick out some new letters... hmmm... with your "N", I can spell "NUCLEOPLASM." That's, let's see, 40 points. Calvin:     All I've got is consonants. I'M NOT GOING TO PLAY THIS STUPID GAME! I HATE IT!! WHAT A WASTE OF TIME! Hobbes:   What should we play instead? Calvin:     Let's play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance.                OK, I bet a nickel. Hobbes:   I'll see you... and raise you 8 dollars.                RUN! LOOKOUT! AIEEE! Calvin:     I wonder why Japanese people keep moving their mouths after they're through talking. Calvin:     Given any more thought to that backyard ski lift proposal of mine? Dad:        Oh, yes. Lots. Hobbes:   Whatcha doin'? Calvin:     I'm writing my autobiography Hobbes:   But you're just six years old. Calvin:     I've only got one sheet of paper. Calvin:     Hi, Hobbes. Are you reading that book I gave you? Hobbes:   Yes. It's very good. Calvin:     You like it? Hobbes:   Sure. I think it's... Calvin:     Wait a minute. Would you mind writing it in two pages for me by tomorrow morning? Calvin:     Go ahead down. You'll miss all those trees. You can do it. You'll stop before you go over that ledge at the bottom. You won't go into that pond. Besides, the ice is probably real thick anyway. Go ahead down. Calvin:     My brain is trying to kill me. Dad:        C'mon out, gang! It's a perfect day! You'll get used to the wind if you keep moving! Hey, c'mon! Are you guys just going to stay inside all day? Mum & Calvin:       SHUT THE DUMB DOOR! Dad:        OK, OK! I was on my way back outside anyway! ... Sheesh... Mum:       There's one in every house. Calvin:     Just how long did you know dad before you married him? Calvin:     I called Susie a boogerbrain after school, and she went home crying. Hobbes:   Goodness, why'd you do that? Calvin:     I dunno. I was just teasing. Hobbes:   It sounds like you hurt her feelings. Calvin:     I didn't mean for her to take the insult personally! Calvin:     I feel bad that I called Susie names and hurt her feelings. I'm sorry I did it. Hobbes:   Maybe you should apologize to her Calvin:     I keep hoping there's a less obvious solution. Calvin:     Um... Hi, Susie... I... uh... well... Susie:      Get lost, Calvin. You're mean. Calvin:     DON'T WALK AWAY! I'M TRYING TO APOLOGIZE YOU DUMB NOODLELOAF!                *slap* Calvin:     Susie, I'm sorry I called you names. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Susie:      Well, you did hurt my feelings, but I accept your apology. Thank you. Calvin:     Oh boy, thank goodness. I got that over with! Susie:      ... ON SECOND THOUGHT, LET'S SEE YOU GROVEL A LITTLE BIT! Calvin:     Hobbes, do you think human nature is good or evil? I mean, do you think people are basically good, with a few bad tendencies, or basically bad, with a few good tendencies? Or, as a third possibility, do you think people are just crazy and who knows why they do anything? Hobbes:   Well, well! It's an invitation to Susie Derkins' birthday party. How nice. Calvin:     Susie invited you? What about me? Does it say me too? Hobbes:   No, it doesn't say anything about you. Calvin:     She must have mailed my invitation separately. She probably wanted to insure it so she'll know it didn't get lost. Sometimes those take longer. I'll have to sign for it and all. I'm sure she's taking no chances with mine. Hobbes:   Oh wait. On the back it says, "You can bring that stupid kid you hang around with if you must." Calvin:     Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom? Mum:       We don't have any chainsaws, Calvin. Calvin:     We don't? Not any? Mum:       Nope. Calvin:     How am I ever going to learn how to juggle? Calvin:     This is going to be the biggest snowman ever built! People will come from miles to see our gigantic snowman! Hobbes:   This won't go any more. It's too big to push. Calvin:     OK, leave it here. Hobbes:   I'm exhausted! Calvin:     Well we can't stop now! We need nine more of these! Hobbes:   NINE MORE?! Calvin:     Sure! This is just one of his toes! Calvin:     Dad, did you do a mating dance when you first saw Mom? Dad:        A mating dance? Calvin:     Yeah, I saw some birds do it on TV. They went, "AWK AWK BRAAU - AUUKKK!" Dad:        Yes, that's more or less how I reacted. Mum:       To what wise guy? ... Think carefully. Dad:        I'm glad to see you're doing your homework. How is your math class going now? Calvin:     Um... I'm doing great. Dad:        How great? Calvin:     Real great. Dad:        Have you been passing all your quizzes? Calvin:     I didn't say phenomenal. Calvin:     It took hundreds of years for these woods to grow, and they leveled it in a week. It's gone. After they build new houses here, they'll have to widen the roads and put up gas stations, and pretty soon the whole area will just be a big strip. Eventually there won't be a nice spot left anywhere. I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world. Hobbes:   I think if you're born, it's too late. Hobbes:   What are you going to transmogrify into? Calvin:     How about a tiger? Hobbes:   That's a good idea. The world can always use another tiger. Calvin:     Just turn the arrow and push the button, then. Hobbes:   All right, here you go. Calvin:     ZAP! Hobbes:   Did it work? Calvin:     Boy, I'm hot. How do you stand having all this fur? Hobbes:   So you're a tiger now? Calvin:     Yep. Let me out. Hobbes:   Words fail me. Hobbes:   So your teacher didn't know you'd ripped your pants, and she made you do a problem at the chalkboard? Calvin:     That sums it up. Hobbes:   That's awful! What did you do?? Calvin:     I didn't have a choice. I mooned the whole class. Hobbes:   That's why you're home early? Calvin:     Three teachers and the principal couldn't restore order.                Mr. Jones lives 500 miles away from you. You both leave home at 5:00 and drive toward each other. Mr. Jones travels at 35 mph, and you drive at 40 mph. At what time will you pass Mr. Jones on the road?                "Given the traffic around here at 5:00, who knows?" Calvin:     I always catch these trick questions. Calvin:     I've got a scheme to get us some money. Hobbes:   Oh boy. Calvin:     See? I sneaked all these kernels of corn off my dinner plate tonight. Hobbes:   How is that going to get us money? Calvin:     Easy. I just stick them under my pillow. With any luck, the tooth fairy won't know they're fakes until it's too late! Calvin:     Dad, how do people make babies? Dad:        Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions. Calvin:     I CAME FROM SEARS?? Dad:        No. You were a blue light special at K Mart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper. Calvin:     AAUUGHHH! Mum:       DEAR, WHAT ARE YOU TELLING CALVIN NOW?? Calvin:     'Morning, Dad! How's your breakfast? Dad:        Fine Calvin:     Oatmeal, huh? A bowl of pasty, bland, colorless sludge. Dad:        Yes. Why don't you go describe your own food somewhere else? Calvin:     I'll bet you'd rather have a bowl of tasty, lip-smacking crunchy-on-the-outside, chey-on-the-inside, chocolate frosted sugar bombs! Can I pour you some? Dad:        No, thanks. I'm trying to reach middle age. Calvin:     What you you having, Mom? Boring old toast and tea? Mum:       You want the beanie, you eat the cereal, Calvin. Calvin:     Wanna see something weird? Watch. You put bread in this slot and push down this lever... then in a few minutes, toast pops up! Hobbes:   Wow. Where does the bread go? Calvin:     Beats me. Isn't that weird? Hobbes:   How come we play war and not peace? Calvin:     Too few role models. Calvin:     Hey, Doc, why are you rubbing my arm with cotton. Are you going to put a leech there? Are you going to bleed me? You're not going to amputate, are you? Are you? What's that? Is that a shot? Are you going to... AAUGH!!! IT WENT CLEAR THROUGH MY ARM!! Ow Ow Ow Ow!!! I'M DYING! I hope you've paid your malpractice insurance, you quack! WHERE'S MY MOM??! Calvin:     Somewhere in communist Russia I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard about America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy... and tell him the awful truth about this place!!! Dad:        Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans. Calvin:     Hey Dad, remember your car? Dad:        Why sure. Wait a minute. What do you mean, "remember"? Calvin:     Hobbes, I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Hobbes:   Sure. Calvin:     Suppose I did something bad. Should I tell Dad? Hobbes:   How bad are we supposing? Calvin:     Well, hypothetically, let's say pretty bad. Like to his car, hypothetically. Hobbes:   How bad, hypothetically, to his car? Calvin:     Well, let's pretend it was real bad. Hobbes:   Should we pretend it could be fixed? Calvin:     If we imagined he could find the car, we could pretend it might be fixed. Hobbes:   I see. Calvin:     Tommy told a funny story at school today. I almost died! Hobbes:   Tell it to me. Calvin:     Well, actually the story itself wasn't so funny... it was the way he told it. Hobbes:   How did he tell it? Calvin:     He was drinking milk and when he laughed it came up his nose! Calvin:     WHERE'S MY JACKET? I've looked everywhere! Under the bed, over my chair... on the stairs, on the hall floor, in the kitchen... it's just not anywhere! Oh, HERE it is! Who put it in the stupid closet?!? Calvin:     Can I watch the movie "Killer Prom Queen" on TV? Mum:       No. Calvin:     Do I have to eat this slimy asparagus? Mum:       Yes. Calvin:     Can I stay up till midnight? Mum:       No. Calvin:     There's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is. Hobbes:   Do you think there's a God? Calvin:     Well, SOMEbody's out to get me. Hobbes:   What a great night to camp out! Where's our tent? I thought the scoutmaster said to set them up. Calvin:     Uh oh. When he said to pitch the tent, I threw it away. Hobbes:   Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Calvin:     Eighteen?!? By then I'll know better! Calvin:     Mom, can I have a cigarette? Mum:       Sure, Calvin. I think your grandfather left some here. Just smoke outside, ok? Calvin:     Wow! Hobbes:   Your mom let you have a cigarette? Calvin:     For a mom, sometimes she's pretty cool. EEEEEEP BLAAUGH! GAG HACK COUGH Hobbes:   You'd think this would be an easy habit to break. Calvin:     ACK WHEEZE Mum:       Well now... did we learn a little lesson today? Calvin:     *GASP* ..Yes... Calvin:     Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health. Calvin:     So Dad, what do I do when I catch a tiger? Dad:        Bring it home and stuff it, Calvin! Can't you see I'm busy? Hobbes:   No, really, I couldn't eat anther bite! Calvin:     HEY SUSIE DERKINS, IS THAT YOUR FACE, OR IS A 'POSSUM STUCK IN YOUR COLLAR? Calvin:     Hobbes, what do you think happens to us when we die? Hobbes:   I think we play saxophone for an all-girl cabaret in New Orleans. Calvin:     So you believe in heaven? Hobbes:   Call it what you like. Moe:        Hey! You took my favorite swing! Calvin:     That's true, Moe. How about that? Moe:        ..uh... Calvin:     His train of thought is still boarding at the station. Calvin:     Moe, I was wondering something. Are your maladjusted antisocial tendencies the product of your berserk pituitary gland? Moe:        What? Calvin:     Isn't he great, folks? Let's give him a big hand! Calvin:     A bushel is a unit of weight equal to four pecks? What's a peck? Hobbes:   A quick smooch. Calvin:     You know, I don't understand math at all. Calvin:     I'm making Susie Derkins a valentine. Hobbes:   She's a cutie, all right. Calvin:     See, I made a big red heart. Now I'm putting lace around it. Hobbes:   That's very sweet. I'm sure she'll like it.      Susie,           I hate you. Drop                   dead.                            Calvin Susie:      HEY, CALVIN! Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?! Calvin:     DROP DEAD, SUSIE! You're so ugly, I hear your mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! Calvin:     It's shameless the way we flirt. Calvin:     What's it like to fall in love? Hobbes:   Well... say the object of your affection walks by... Calvin:     Yeah? Hobbes:   First, your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves. Calvin:     THAT'S LOVE?!? Hobbes:   Medically speaking. Calvin:     Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!! Calvin:     Mom, will you drive me into town? Mum:       Why should I drive you, Calvin? It's a perfect day outside! What do you think people have feet for? Calvin:     To work the gas pedal. Calvin:     I'm freezing! Why do we keep this house so darn cold?! Crank up the thermostat and build a fire, will ya? Dad:        I have a better idea. C'mere. Ok, step outside. Calvin:     Why? What's outside? Dad:        In a few minutes you can come in, and then the house will seem nice and warm. Calvin:     I'm telling the newspapers about you, Dad! Calvin:     Why do I have to wear these dorky clothes and get my hair combed? Mum:       Your dad's going to take your picture. Hold Still. Calvin:     I don't want to get my picture taken! Mum:       It will just take a few minutes. We're going to put the picture of you in our Christmas cards so everyone can see what you look like now. Calvin:     What a dumb idea. Why are we doing that? Dad:        So we won't have relatives dropping by to visit. Mum:       DEAR... Calvin:     What grade did you get? Susie:      I got an "A." Calvin:     Really? Boy, I'd hate to be you. I got a "C." Susie:      Why on earth would you rather get a "C" than an "A"?! Calvin:     I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations. Calvin:     It snowed last night! Turn on the radio! Maybe they closed school. Maybe the school buses froze up! Maybe the principal can't get out of his driveway! Mum:       Get dressed, Calvin. It only snowed an inch. Calvin:     Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery. Miss Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin:     No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Calvin:     Want to read my letter to Santa? Mum:       All THAT?! Calvin:     I hope I don't forget to ask for something I want. Mum:       This is alphabetized. Calvin:     Yeah, and I cross-indexed the accessory items he'll need to get. I try to help him out. Mum:       This says, "Volume One." Calvin:     "Atom Bomb" through "Grenade Launcher." Mum:       You're going to be one sad little kid on Christmas morning. Calvin:     Help me (hic) get (hic) rid of (hic) these darn (hic) hic (hic) hiccups! Hobbes:   How? Calvin:     (hic) Scare me. Hobbes:   Our oceans are filled with garbage, we've created a hole in the ozone layer that's frying the planet, nuclear waste is piling up without any safe way to get rid of it... Calvin:     (hic) I mean surprise me (hic). Hobbes:   That doesn't?! Boy, you're cynical... Calvin:     Wow, it really snowed last night! Isn't it wonderful? Hobbes:   Everything familiar has disappeared! The world looks brand-new! Calvin:     A new year, a fresh clean start! Hobbes:   It's like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on! Calvin:     A day full of possibilities. It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol' buddy... Let's go exploring. (Calvin's last statement in the final installment of Calvin and Hobbes)

"Calvin and Hobbes" has been used with permission from Universal Press Syndicate.
Visit the official Calvin and Hobbes page.

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