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The greatest fairy tale never told. GUARD: You there. Ogre. By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorised to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK: Oh really. You and what army? SHREK: Why are you following me? DONKEY: Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends - SHREK: Stop singing! Why that's no wonder why you don't have friends. DONKEY: Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. SHREK: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY: Er... really tall? SHREK: No! I'm an ogre. You know, 'Grab your torch and pickforks!' Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY: Nope SHREK: Really? DONKEY: Really really. DONKEY: Look at that. Who'd gonna live in a place like that? SHREK: That would be my home. DONKEY: Oh, it is lovely! Just beautiful! You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. DONKEY: I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK: I like my privacy. DONKEY: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got somebody in your face, you trying to give them a hint, they won't leave, and there's that big awkward silence, you know... DONKEY: Can I stay with you? SHREK: What? DONKEY: Can I stay with you, please? SHREK: Of course. DONKEY: Really? SHREK: No! DONKEY: Please, I don't want to go back there. You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well... maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay. Please! Please! SHREK: Okay, okay! But one night only. DONKEY: Thank you! Oh this is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swap manly stories and in the morning, I'm making waffles. SHREK: Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. SEVEN DWARFS: But where are we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. SHREK: Huh? BIG BAD WOLF: What? SHREK: What are you doing in my swamp!? Alright, get out of here. All of you, move it, come one. DONKEY: Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINNOCHIO: Oh gosh, no one invited us. SHREK: What? PINNOCHIO: We were forced to come here. SHREK: By who? THREE LITTLE PIGS: Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed - and he signed the eviction orders. FARQUAAD: 'Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the Gingerbread Man!' GINGERBREAD MAN: You're a monster. FARQUAAD: I'm not the monster here, you are. You, and the rest of that fairy tale trash poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me where are the others! GINGERBREAD MAN: Eat me! FARQUAAD: I've tried to be fair to you creatures, now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I will - GINGERBREAD MAN: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! FARQUAAD: Alright, then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN: Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the Muffin Man? FARQUAAD: The Muffin Man? GINGERBREAD MAN: The Muffin Man. FARQUAAD: Yes... I know the Muffin Man. Who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN: Well... she's married to the Muffin Man. FARQUAAD: The Muffin Man? GINGERBREAD MAN: The Muffin Man! FARQUAAD: She's married to the Muffin Man... FARQUAAD: Evening. Mirror mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of all? MAGIC MIRROR: Well, technically, you're not a king. FARQUAAD: You were saying? MAGIC MIRROR: What I mean is you're not a king - yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. SHREK: So... that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY: Uh-huh, that's the place. SHREK: Do ya think maybe he's compensating for something? Uhuhuhuh... uh... SHREK: It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY: Hey, look at this! MACHINE: Welcome to Duloc, such a perfect town. Here we have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line, and we'll get along fine. Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off on the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your - face. Duloc is - Duloc is - Duloc is a perfect place! DONKEY: Wow! Let's do that again! SHREK: No! No! No, no no. No... SHREK: Alright, you're going the right way for a smart bottom. DONKEY: Sorry 'bout that. FARQUAAD: ... that champion shall have the honor - no, no, no - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If, for any reason, the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place. And so on and so forth. Some of you may die. But it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. FARQUAAD: What is that? It's hideous! SHREK: Aw that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. DONKEY: Okay, let me get this straight. You've gonna go find this dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad would give you back the swamp, which you only don't have 'cause he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. SHREK: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY: Example? SHREK: Example? Okay. Uh... ogres are like onions. DONKEY: They stink? SHREK: Yes. No! DONKEY: Oh, they make you cry? SHREK: No! DONKEY: Oh, you leave them out in the sun, they get all brown and start sprouting little white hairs. SHREK: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. DONKEY: Oh... you both have layers... You know, not everybody like onions. Cakes! Everybody likes cakes. Cakes have layers. SHREK: I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes... You dunce, irritating, miniature beast of burden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye bye. See ya later... DONKEY: Ooh, Shrek, did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK: Believe me, donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It is brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY: Yeah right, brimstone. Don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smell and it was no brimstone. It come off no stone either. SHREK: Sure, it's big enough. But look at the location. Ahahahaha... DONKEY: Uh, Shrek. Remember when you said that - that - that ogres have layers? Well I have a bit of a confession to make. Um... donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY: You know what I mean. SHREK: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava! SHREK: Come on, donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing one little baby step at a time. DONKEY: Really? SHREK: Really really. DONKEY: So where is this fiery-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK: Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. DONKEY: I was talking about the dragon, Shrek. SHREK: Donkey, two things, ok? Shut. Up. SHREK: Wake up! FIONA: What!? SHREK: Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA: I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK: Aw, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA: But wait, Sir Knight. This be art our first meeting. Shouldn't it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK: Yeah... sorry lady, there's no time. FIONA: Hey, wait! What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window, and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? FIONA: You didn't slay the dragon? SHREK: It's not on my to-do list. Now come on. FIONA: But this isn't right! You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, battle-fight, that's what all the other knights did. SHREK: Yeah! Right before they burst into flames! FIONA: You know that's not the point! FIONA: Wait, where are you going? Exit's over there! SHREK: Well, I have to save my ass... FIONA: What kind of knight are you? SHREK: One of a kind. DONKEY: Hi, Princess. FIONA: It talks! SHREK: Yeah, get him to shut up, that's the trick! FIONA: I am eternally in your debt. DONKEY: Eh-hmm... FIONA: And where would great knight be without his noble steed. DONKEY: Alright, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. FIONA: The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. SHREK: Uh... no. FIONA: Why not? SHREK: I... I have helmet hair. FIONA: Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK: Oh no, you wouldn't. FIONA: But how will you kiss me? SHREK: What? That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY: Maybe it's a perk! FIONA: No. It's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower, and beset by a dragon, is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY: Hm? With Shrek? You think - wait , hold, hold, wait a sec - you think that Shrek is your true love? FIONA: Well, yes. DONKEY and SHREK: Ahahahahahahah!, You think Shrek is your true love... FIONA: What is so funny? SHREK: Let's just say I'm not your type, ok? FIONA: Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. SHREK: Look, I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA: Just take off the helmet. SHREK: I'm not going to. FIONA: Take it off! SHREK: No! FIONA: Now! SHREK: Okay! Easy! As you command, your Highness. FIONA: You're... you're a - an ogre. SHREK: Oh, you're expecting Prince Charming! SHREK: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one who wants to marry you. FIONA: Well, then why didn't he come and rescue me? SHREK: Good question! You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA: But I must be rescued by my true love. Not by some ogre and his pet. DONKEY: Well, so much for noble steed. FIONA: The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. DONKEY: Oh! Yeah, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful! FIONA: And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad. What's he like? SHREK: Well, let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. DONKEY: Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. FIONA: Stop it. Stop it both of you. You know you're just jealous you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK: Yeah. Well maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the measuring when you see him tomorrow. SHREK: And that one. That's Throw-Back. The only ogre who ever spat across three wheatfields. DONKEY: Right. Hey can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK: Well, the stars don't tell the future, donkey, they tell stories. Look, there's Blood-Nut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. DONKEY: Alright, now I know you're making this up. SHREK: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY: Man, that ain't nothing but a bunch of little dots. SHREK: You know, donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Mmm? Forget it. DONKEY: Hey, Shrek. What are we going to do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK: Our swamp? We? Donkey, there's no 'we'. There's no 'our'. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY: You cut my deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. Hey you know what I think. I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK: No... d'you think? DONKEY: Are you hiding something? SHREK: Nevermind, donkey. DONKEY: Oh... this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK: No. This is one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things. DONKEY: Well, why don't you want to talk about it? SHREK: Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY: Why are you blocking? SHREK: I'm not blocking. DONKEY: Oh, yes you are. SHREK: Donkey, I'm warning you! DONKEY: Who're you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who? SHREK: Everyone! Okay? DONKEY: Oh, now we're getting somewhere. SHREK: Oh, for the love of peace! DONKEY: Hey, what's your problem, Shrek? What do you got against the whole world? SHREK: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go, 'Ahhh... help... run... a big stupid ugly ogre!'. They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. DONKEY: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you were just a big stupid ugly ogre. SHREK: Yah, I know. DONKEY: So, er... are there any donkeys up there? SHREK: Well... there's umm... Gabby, the Small - and Annoying. DONKEY: Okay, okay, I see it now, yeah, the big shiny one right there, right? That one there? SHREK: That's the moon. SHREK: *burp* DONKEY: Shrek! SHREK: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. Huhuh... DONKEY: That is no way to behave in front of a princess! FIONA: *burp* Thanks! DONKEY: She's as nasty as you are! SHREK: You know, you're not exactly what I expected. FIONA: Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. FIONA: Donkey, calm down! If you wanna help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY: Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! FIONA and SHREK: Donkey! DONKEY: Blue flower, red thorns, blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! DONKEY: Alright, alright, calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. And look - well you are - I ain't gonna lie - you are ugly, but you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly twenty-four hours. SHREK: Princess. I... uh... how's it going, first of all? Good? Um... good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty, and, well... I don't really like it but I thought you might like it 'coz you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I... uh... ahhh... I'm in trouble. DONKEY: What's the point of being able to talk when you gotta keep secrets? Baby, I've been here before I know this room, I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch Love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you It's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah Hallelujah... Rufus Wainwright Hallelujah DONKEY: Hey, hey, hey, come back here! I'm not through with you yet! SHREK: Well I am through with you? DONKEY: Uh-uh. You know you was always me, me, me. Well guess what? Now it's my turn. So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me, and you don't appreciate anything that I do. You're always pushing me around, or pushing me away! SHREK: Oh yah? Well if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK: Oh yah. Yah. You're right, donkey. I forgive you - for stabbing me in the back! DONKEY: Ohhhhh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion-boy. You're afraid of your own feelings! SHREK: Go away. DONKEY: See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did to Fiona. And all she ever do was like you. Maybe even love you. SHREK: Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature! I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY: She wasn't talking about you! DONKEY: Alright, nobody move! I've got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on edge! SHREK: Uh... Fiona? FIONA: Yes, Shrek? SHREK: I... I love you. FIONA: Really? SHREK: Really really.

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