(warning: strictly for fans)

Once upon a time warp...

In a galaxy very, very, very, very, far away, there lived a ruthless race of beings known as... Spaceballs.

RICO: Colonel Sandurz.

SANDURZ: What is it, Sergeant Rico?

RICO: You told me to let you know the moment Planet Druidia was in sight, sir.


RICO: Planet Druidia is in sight, sir.

SANDURZ: You're really a Spaceball. You know that, don't you?

RICO: Thanks, sir.

HELMET: I don't see Planet Druidia. Where is it?

SANDURZ: We don't have visual contact yet, sir, but we have it on the radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you?

HELMET: Na, nevermind. I'll do it myself.

SANDURZ: Very good, sir.

HELMET: What's the matter with this thing? What's all that churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen.

SANDURZ: No, sir. We call it, "Mr. Coffee." Care for some?

HELMET: Yes! I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that.

PIZZA: Well, if it isn't Lone Starr, and his side kick, Puke.

BARF: That's Barf.

PIZZA: Barf, Puke, whatever. Where's my money?

COMMANDERETTE: Shall I have Snotty beam you down?

SKROOB: I don't about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?

COMMANDERETTE: Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.

SKROOB: All right, I take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on Star Trek.

COMMANDERETTE: Are you all right, Mr. President.

SKROOB: Fine, fine, no thanks to you.

COMMANDERETTE: We'll beam you back, sir.

SKROOB: Forget it. Forget it. No more beaming. This time I'm gonna walk.

HELMET: Who made that man a gunner?

MAJOR: I did, sir. He's my cousin.

HELMET: Who is he?

SANDURZ: He's an Asshole, sir.

HELMET: I know that. What's his name?

SANDURZ: That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.

HELMET: And his cousin?

SANDURZ: He's an Asshole, too, sir. Gunner's-mate, 1st Class, Philip Asshole.

HELMET: How many Assholes we got on this ship, anyhow?

ALL: Yo!

HELMET: I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. Keep firing, Assholes.

LONE STARR: All right, King, you just made a deal.

BARF: One princess for one million spacebucks.

LONE STARR: What's she drivin'?

ROLAND: A brand new, white Mercedes, 2001 SEL Limited Edition. Moon roof, all leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid cash. My cousin, Prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley. He was very nice to me.

LONE STARR: We get the idea.

BARF: Oh, what are we doing risking our lives for a runaway princess? I know we need the money...

LONE STARR: Listen. We're not just doing this for money. We're doing it for a shit load of money!

BARF: Oh, you're right, and when you're right, you're right, and you, you're always right.

RADAR TECH.: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.

HELMET: What's wrong with it?

RADAR TECH.: I've lost the bleeps, I've the lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.

HELMET: The what?

SANDURZ: The what?

HELMET: And the what?

RADAR TECH.: You know. The bleeps, the sweeps, and the creeps.

HELMET: That's not all he's lost.

RADAR TECH.: Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be... jammed.

HELMET: Jammed? Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry. Lone Starr!

VESPA: Barf? What are you?

BARF: I'm a mog. Half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend.

SANDURZ: Prepare ship for light speed.

HELMET: No, no, no, light speed is too slow.

SANDURZ: Light speed, too slow?

HELMET: Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.

SANDURZ: Ludicrous speed? Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take it.

HELMET: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz, chicken?

SANDURZ: Prepare ship, prepare ship for ludicrous speed. Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the 3-ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo...

SANDURZ: Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs - the Movie.

CORPORAL: Yes, sir.

HELMET: Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you, please?

SANDURZ: Yes, sir.

HELMET: How could there be a cassette of Spaceballs - the Movie. We're still in the middle of making it.

SANDURZ: That's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in home-video marketing.

HELMET: There has?

SANDURZ: Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.

HELMET: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?

SANDURZ: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.

HELMET: What happened to then?

SANDURZ: We passed then?


SANDURZ: Just now. We're at now, now.

HELMET: Go back to then.





SANDURZ: I can't.


SANDURZ: We missed it.


SANDURZ: Just now.

HELMET: When will then be now?


HELMET: How soon?

LONE STARR: What the hell was that noise?

DOT: That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do. You get back to bed, miss. And as for you, sex-fiend...

HELMET: I don't see them, Sandurz.

SANDURZ: I've sent the troops on up to Vector 78, sir.

HELMET: Good. Let's get moving.

SANDURZ: Yes, sir. Driver, prepare to move out.

HELMET: What are you preparing. You're always preparing. Just go!

YOGURT: Silence! Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting know-it-all, Yogurt.


YOGURT: You heard of me?

LONE STARR: Heard of ya? Who hasn't of Yogurt?

VESPA: Yogurt, the wise.

DOT: Yogurt, the all powerful.

BARF: Yogurt, the magnificent.

YOGURT: Please, please, don't make a fuse. I'm just plain Yogurt.

LONE STARR: But you're the one...

YOGURT: Yes. I am the keeper of a greater magic. A power known throughout the universe, known as...

BARF: The force?

YOGURT: No. The Schwartz.

LONE STARR: But, Yogurt, what is this place? What is that you do here?

YOGURT: Merchandising.

BARF: Merchandising? What's that?

YOGURT: Merchandising. Come. I'll show. Open up this door. Ha, ha, ha, come. Walk this way. Take a look. We put the pictures name on everything. Merchandising. Merchandising. Where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs - the T-shirt, Spaceballs - the Coloring Book, Spaceballs - the Lunch box, Spaceballs - the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs - the Flame Thrower.

DINKS: Ooooooo.

YOGURT: The kids love this one. Last, but not least, Spaceballs - the Doll. Me.

SKROOB: What is it?

COMMANDERETTE: I have an urgent message from Lord Helmet. He's lost the princess.

SKROOB: Where?

COMMANDERETTE: Somewhere on the sands of Vega.

SKROOB: Tell him to comb the desert. Do you hear me? Comb the desert.



SANDURZ: Are we being too literal.

HELMET: No, you fool. We're following orders. We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it. Found anything yet?

TROOPER WITH COMB: Nothing yet, sir.

HELMET: How about you?

TROOPER WITH 2ND COMB: Not a thing, sir.

HELMET: What about you guys?

TROOPER WITH MINI COMB: We ain't found shit.

LONE STARR: Thanks. Well, we'd better get going. I wonder, will we ever see each other again.

YOGURT: Who knows. God willing we'll all meet again in Spaceballs II: The Search for More Money. Good-bye, Lone Starr.

SANDURZ: Lord Helmet.


SANDURZ: You're needed on the bridge, sir.

HELMET: Knock on my door. Knock next time.

SANDURZ: Yes, sir.

HELMET: Did you see anything?

SANDURZ: No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.


ROLAND: No, wait, wait. I'll tell. I'll tell.

HELMET: I knew it would work. All right, give to me.

ROLAND: The combination is one.






ROLAND: Three.

HELMET: Three.








HELMET: So the combination is one, two, three, four, five. That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life. That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage.

HELMET: We have the combination.

SKROOB: Great. Now we can take every last breath fresh air from planet Druidia. What's the combination?

SANDURZ: One, two, three, four, five.

SKROOB: One, two, three, four, five? That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage.

SANDURZ: It's Mega Maid. She gone from suck to blow.

CAPTAIN: Spectacular stunt, my friends, but all for not. Turn around please. Ha. What a pity. What a pity. So, Princess, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of... You idiots! These are not them. You've captured their stunt doubles! Search the area. Find them! Find them!

HELMET: Not so fast, Lone Starr.

LONE STARR: Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. Yeah.

HELMET: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.


HELMET: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former room-mate.

LONE STARR: What's that make us?

HELMET: Absolutely nothing. Which is what you are about to become. Prepare to die.

HELMET: So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.

SHIP'S VOICE: Counting down. Ten, nine, eight, six...

SKROOB: Six? What happened to seven?

SHIP'S VOICE: Just kidding.