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Insults - Quotes

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.

You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you.

Norm Papernick

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

A committee is a creature with three or more legs and no brain.

Robert Heinlein
Time Enough For Love

I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts, otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.

Noel Coward, on Edith Sitwell

Don't ask me any questions, because I just might tell you the truth.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Flannery O'Connor

Never mistake motion for action.

Ernest Hemmingway

Stupidity is a personal achievement which transcends national boundaries.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Albert Einstein

I hope life isn't a big joke... because I don't get it.

I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them.

Jane Austen

"During his 1956 presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai E. Stevenson ""Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!""
Stevenson called back ""That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!"""

The boss is like a nappy: always on your arse and full of shit.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender.

I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

Why did God create men? She knew a vibrator couldn't carry out the trash.

This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.

Wolfgang Pauli

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend - if you have one.

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second - if there is one.

Churchill's reply

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

You are proof that God has a sense of humour.

Wisdom eventually comes to all of us. Someday it might even be your turn.

David & Leigh Eddings
Polgara, The Sorceress

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

H. H. Munro

On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks.

H. Allen Smith
Let the Crabgrass Grow

Never deprive someone of hope - it may be all they have.

There you go again, flushing the sweet milk of human kindness through the U-bend of cynicism.

He doesn't talk bollocks all the time: only when he's awake.

He's in an altered state of consciousness: he's dead.

Is this seat free?
Yes. But if you sit down, this seat will also be free.

When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, wretched, bored, dejected; only here's the rub, my darling dear, I feel the same when you're near.

Samuel Hoffenstein

He has no equal. Everyone else is better.

Jason Q.

She wore too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.

Oscar Wilde
Penguin Plays

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Woody Allen

A real man can tell another man to keep an open mind, just after he shot him between the eyes.

Virtual Assassin

You know you're gonna have a bad day when you see the sun come up. Over the curb.

Life's a Bitch, then you wake up.


Shaw writes plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve.

George Jean Nathan on George Bernard Shaw

Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.

He's a male chauvinistic piglet.

Betty Friedan on Groucho Marx

Ah, Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

Victor Borge

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono

For a man: your head is on fire and your penis is getting closer to the wood chopper... you have time to save only one. You're gonna have to decide whether you want to be a threat to society, or just another headless fuck.