$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000, by which time it will be worth nothing. Lazarus Long Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways. No guts, no glory, no brain, same story. If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"? If you don't die from it - it is healthy. It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out. Life is sexually transmitted. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever. I am an atheist, thank God. Luis Buņuel contributed by Jimmy Tan When it came to slaughtering sacred cows with such crude yet perfect musical precision, there was no one better than Frank. I wonder what songs he's teaching the angels right now? Good luck God! You've got your hands full this time. Terry Gilliam on Frank Zappa What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. Thomas Hewitt Key Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day. Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! THEORY Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen: Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Someone dropped me on my head? Dorothy Parker Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible. I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. Question: Man Invented Alcohol, God Invented Grass. Who do you trust? Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the double lock will keep; May no brick through the window break, And, no one rob me till I awake. If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed. The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction. Stress: a condition created when the brain overides the bodily propensity to beat the living shit out of someone who needs it. The older I get, the faster I was. No Fear Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all. Sam Ewing I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. Woody Allen The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing. William J. Broad Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. Rich Cook Allow to cool before applying to groin area. warning label on a cup of McDonald's coffee. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Harmful or fatal if swallowed. warning label on a piano. (Peter Fay, Herndon) For best results, do not leave at crime scene. warning label on work gloves. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy. warning label on a fax machine (John Kammer, Herndon) Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. warning label on children's alphabet blocks. (David Handelsman, Charlottesville) Capacity, 1. on a wet suit. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Cape does not enable user to fly. warning label on a Batman costume The talk talks and the walk talks, but the walk talks louder than the talk. Fred Roach head of the Baylor Medical System Leadership Council (contributed by Nick Hollingshad) We aim to please... You aim too, please. written on a bathroom on route 66 (contributed by Thomas J. Walkup III) Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it. Reality is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Henny Youngman Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. Dave Barry Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. David Moulton Put it back in the horse! H. Allen Smith an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after he drank his first American beer at a bar. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. A billion here, a couple of billion there - first thing you know it adds up to be real money. Everett McKinley Dirksen Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine: This living, this living, this living, Was never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is The gain of the one at the top, For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop, And work is the province of cattle, And rest's for a clam in a shell, So I'm thinking of throwing the battle - Would you kindly direct me to hell? My love runs by like a day in June, And he makes no friends of sorrows. He'll tread his galloping rigadoon In the pathway or the morrows. He'll live his days where the sunbeams start Nor could storm or wind uproot him. My own dear love, he is all my heart - And I wish somebody'd shoot him. Dorothy Parker

God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. Among economists, the real world is often a special case. Horngren's Observation The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. A day without sunshine is like night. 'You know, said Arthur, 'it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young.' 'Why, what did she tell you?' 'I don't know, I didn't listen.' Douglas Adams The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you will see why. Mignon McLaughlin We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. Jeff Marder If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. Lily Tomlin Save the whales. Collect the whole set. Deck us all with Boston Charlie, Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! Nora's freezin' on the trolley, Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! Don't we know archaic barrel, Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. Trolley Molly don't love Harold, Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass". Nothing is faster than the speed of light... To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on. My karma ran over your dogma. I is a college student. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Schultz I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. Blaise Pascal Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. Swami X Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Ed Bluestone It's not hard to tell we was poor - when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline. George Lindsey I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special! Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Cop When You're Pulled Over "There's a door." "Where does it go?" "It stays where it is, I think." Terry Pratchett Eric Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Inigo Montoya The Princess Bride I can resist anything but temptation. Oscar Wilde There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. George Bernard Shaw Who invented the television? Sony. overheard(?) in mIRC Look out! Behind you! Ralph Waldo Emerson The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. Do you know what the death rate around here is? One per person. If nothing sticks to teflon, how does teflon stick to the pan? The reason that we have been losing is because we haven't been winning. If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! The meek shall inherit the earth - they are too weak to refuse. The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. W. C. Fields I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. Mae West What's big and green, and if it falls out of a tree it'll kill you? A pool table. They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it. Gracie Allen Boys will be boys as long as there are no girls in the picture. The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg. It is unfortunate to consider all lawyers as natural Satanists many are just dumb. For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on car rooftop. laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea) "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him." "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some cows." "The telephone pole was approaching fast and I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front." "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and drove into the river." "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have." "I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand through it." "I collided with a stationary lorry coming the other way." "A van backed through my windscreen into my wife's face." "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car." "He was all over the road, and I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him." "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished." Traveller's Tales Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail Abraham Maslow Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. Brook Shields I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. Winston Bennett University of Kentucky basketball The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe. Frank Rizzo ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. Philip Streifer Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island You guys line up alphabetically by height. You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle. Bill Peterson a Florida State football coach Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton. boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up with promoter Don King

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