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Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up. W. Somerset Maugham I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter. Steven Pearl Does anal retentive have a hyphen? Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Stephen Wright |
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Death should not be seen as the end but as a very effective way to cut down expenses. I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen Gentlemen! You can't fight in here. This is the War Room. Dr. Strangelove If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours. Clarence Day Beware the naked man who takes out his wallet. Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out. Anton Chekhov Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun. I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. Reality is that which refuses to go away when I stop believing in it. Phillip K. Dick Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably end up somewhere else. Yogi Berra When I can't be bothered to be lazy I just give in and do work. What I said was scathing, unneccesarily blunt and contained wild tangents of untruth. Fuck ye not with the lads, lest the lads fuck with ye. There are plenty more fish in the sea, but who wants to go out with a fish? The shit that happens fertilizes the sweet roses of memory. Occupation is simply the manner in which people choose to squander thier talents I am accountable to no man, not even to myself. Dave Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch? W. C. Fields 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence? (contributed by Anders Göthe) While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. Patience is the art of finding something else to do. (contributed by David Ball) Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.
Groucho Marx
Wedding rings: the world's smallest handcuffs. If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth. How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. If a tree falls in the forest on a mime, does anyone care? If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? Warning: Do not drink the battery acid. It doesn't taste good and will hurt you. Also do not bite the tyres, especially while the bike is moving. Our lawyers made us put these warnings in. an Australian motorcycle manual British skydiver Alfred Peters collided with a sportplane. Peters broke his foot, while the plane crashed and the four people on board died. Scrawled in BIG ANGRY RED letters: "I FUCKED your mother!!!" Neatly printed in small calm blue letters: "Go home dad, you're drunk." An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead. © Copywrong 1995 - All rights reversed. What was that number for 911 again? Homer Simpson Lisa Simpson takes after both her parents: she has Marge's common sense, hard work ethic and sympathy for others; she has Homer's last name. The Simpsons The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
Dizzy Dean
"Hot oil! We need hot oil!... Forget the water balloons!" Gary Larson
"I have two problems. First, your mother's birthday is next week and I must give her what she wants."
Under One Roof Condoms should be marketed in three sizes, jumbo, colossal and super-colossal so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small. Barbara Seaman Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until the drops of blood form on your forehead. Gene Fowler Beer. The reason I get up in the afternoon.
Geoff O'Donnell
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, "Let there be light". And there was still nothing but you could see it. (contributed by Rawlyn) My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. Groucho Marx This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach. Groucho Marx My first love was Cinderella, but she ran off with another man. The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of the tires. Dorothy Parker Cold Weather Causes Temperature To Drop headline from Stillwater (Okla.) News-Press 87, 79, 78, 70, 69...
Tim Allen
I know you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure that you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
Richard Nixon
A Russian is in a car crash. Climbing out of the wreckage, he wails, "My Mercedes! My Mercedes is ruined!" A passer-by asks, "How can you worry about your car when your arm is ripped off?" The Russian looks at his stump and bawls, "My Rolex!" All along the untrodden paths of the future, I can see the footprints of an unseen hand. Sir Boyle Roche If you pray hard enough, water will run uphill. How hard? Why, hard enough to make water run uphill, of course! Robert Heinlen There was not a breach of security as such. It was a case of someone cutting a hole from the outside and facilitating the escape of three of our inmates.
governor of prison in Derek, England
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
"You have such beautiful eyes. Where did you get them?"
You wouldn't have won if we had beaten you. Yogi Berra I believe that this country's policies should be heavily biased in favor of nondiscrimination. Bill Clinton That's a wise substitution by Terry Venables: three fresh man, three fresh legs.
Jimmy Hill, sports commentator
Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks. David Letterman On every commercial flight, the traveler is told, "Your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device". The question is, why doesn't the plane just become a boat? Sam Ewing I'd rather be rich than stupid.
Jack Handey
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
Jack Handey
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. Bob Rubin I had an IQ test. The results came back negative. Be alert... the world needs more lerts. If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out. How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? Woody Allen Too many piglets not enough tits. Abraham Lincoln [Secondhand smoke is not a problem.] If children don't like to be in a smoky room, they'll leave. [As for infants,]... at some point, they'll crawl. Charles Harper, RJR Tobacco Company
Tell me why the sky is blue, The sky is blue 'cause it's full of doubt,
Percival Platypus You can go to hell in most states for doing that. Walter K Douglas, Jr. Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labeled "For the Sick" is for monetary donations only. Churchdown Parish Magazine, Gloucestershire, England Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. Stephen Wright The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin. The next best vegetable is the jalapeno pepper. It has the virtue of turning salads into practical jokes. P. J. O'Rourke Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres! Jerry Coleman, radio announcer I'm going to give 110 percent on every play. You can't give any more than that. Jimmy Johnson Do not put head inside towel loop. warning label on a tower dispensers ib Washington State Ferries "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz." and "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke."
Reporter: Mr. Secretary, has anyone asked you the whereabouts of Mr. Molotov? The Internet is a great way to get on the Net. Bob Dole Everyone says you should be yourself... like yourself is this definite thing... like a toaster or something.
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I will not tolerate intolerance. Bob Dole It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people. Axl Rose Oh my god! Space Aliens!!! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids... EAT THEM!!!
Homer Simpson It's not how good you can play when you play good. It's how good you play when you play bad and we can play as bad as anyone in the country. Hugh Durham Just because I look stupid doesn't mean I'm not. (contributed by Ian Lermusiaux) If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. Samuel Goldwyn A hole had just appeared in the Galaxy. It was exactly a nothingth of a second long, a nothingth of an inch wide, and quite a lot of million light years from end to end. As it closed up [...] Two hundred and thirty-nine thousand lightly fried eggs fell out of it...materializing in a large woobly heap on the famine-struck land of Poghril in the Pansel system. The whole Poghril tribe had died out from famine except for one last man who died of cholesterol poisoning some weeks later.
Douglas Adams Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy, blue-green meat is bad for you. If you cannot swallow a piece of food, turn around discreetly and throw it somewhere.
Erasmus The least most reliable method is the withdrawal method: Some call it "being careful", but it is actually "being stupid". The Pearl index for this method is about 40 pregnancies per 100 woman-years. The Pearl index for having unprotected sex and going, "I hope I do not get pregnant" is about 50 pregnancies per 100 woman-years. Hope is not a method.
On pregnancy: Do you know that... It's not a lie if you believe it.
George Costanza (Jason Alexander) The way to make money in the stock market is to buy a stock. Then, when it goes up, sell it. If it's not going to go up, don't buy it!
Will Rogers
There is, in fact, a difference between crazy and insane. A crazy person will walk down the street shooting people. An insane person will do it in a clown suit. (contributed by Jared) When I masturbate, I always buy myself dinner and flowers first, so that I'll feel I haven't used myself.
Neil Mohammed
I've got cable TV now. History channel, nature channel, elephants 24 hours a day and I'd rather watch that than listen to some coked up twat - i.e. me - bleat on about himself.
Robbie Williams
It takes two to lie; one to lie and one to listen.
Homer Simpson On a camera: This camera only works when there is film inside. On a package of airline peanuts: Open packet and eat contents. On a chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. On a mirror for a bicycle helmet: Remember - objects in the mirror are actually behind you. On a bottle of flavoured-milk drink: After opening, keep upright. On a steering-wheel lock: Warning - remove lock before driving.
Richard Lederer If you cannot read this, ask a flight attendant. (on the airplane instructions in case of an accident), United Airlines "The crows seem to be calling my name," thought Caw.
Jack Handy People who say that only young people voted on the Internet, those who didn't see Pele play, forget that children are not orphans. There's always a father who buys the computer and perhaps influences their vote. I won the people's vote.
Diego Maradona
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you. Jack Handey Love smiled at me one day, so I smashed its face in with a bat. (contributed by mark) We didn't underestimate them, they were just better than we thought.
Bobby Robson: England football manager, upon defeat in the World Cup
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. Goucho Marx
To be is to do (Socrates). contributed by Teresa Lisa, you're my greatest accomplishment and you did it all by yourself.
Homer Simpson Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.
Homer Simpson We're going to get Brooklyn christened, but to which religion, .we don't know.
David Beckham
I wish I had a cross made out of Kryptonite, because then I could keep both Dracula and Superman away. Jack Handey |
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