|
I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.
Shaquille O'Neal
I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes. senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. football commentator and former player Joe Theismann The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. Jimmy Buffet What is big, yellow and eats rocks? A big, yellow rock eater. I'm not afraid of work... I can even sleep beside it. Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage. My mind is made up, don't confuse me with the facts! We all have to die some day, if we live long enough. Dave Farber Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Jack Handey
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. Frank Zappa The three most common things in the universe are hydrogen, stupidity and wreckage from TIE fighters.
Wedge Antilles George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand. There's no real need to do housework - after four years it doesn't get any worse. Quentin Crisp I used to go fishing, then it dawned on me: I can buy fish. Kenny Rogerson Can I ask a rhetorical question? Well, can I? Twice: Once too often.
Ambrose Bierce
If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal.
Jimmy Hill
Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names.
Presenter
Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field. Metro Radio Sports Commentary
Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?"
BBC Radio 4
Presenter (to palaeontologist): "So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"
GLR
Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald: "Sex is an anti-climax after that!"
BBC It's not you, it's me. I just don't like you. Adam Corrola I'm never wrong. Once, I thought I was, but I was mistaken.
Carl Blankenhorn (my math teacher who can't add)
Tonight's weather, dark, continuing mostly dark tonight, leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning.
George Carlin
Why is it called "taking" a shit? Besides, wouldn't your hands get all messy? Melinda Owens Having a wonderful time, glad you're not here. (contributed by Chris Abbott) P.S. I would have enclosed the $ you asked for, but I had already sealed the envelope. Love, Mom (contributed by Chris Abbott)
"I didn't do anything!"
I fell asleep trying to wake you up. I feel more like I do now than when I got here. Mac This is going to leave a bad taste in a lot of people's eyes.
Louise Day Hicks
Abscence makes the heart grow fonder, abstinence make the heart go wander. 50% of all married people are women (contributed by Emily) 50% of the putts that are left short don't go in.
Yogi Berra
I need more than a quarter. I need like twenty-five cents. War solves nothing. It just leaves one person left to make the decision. (contributed by Genie) Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.
Bill Peterson
One cannot be betrayed if one has no people.
Kobayashi
If you believe in your dreams and in yourself, nothing is unattainable.
Benjer M.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. Erma Bombeck Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head. Carole Burnett I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property." Joan Rivers I tried to commit suicide by sticking my head in the oven, but there was a cake in it. Lesley Boone I thought I told you to wait in the car.
Tallulah Bankhead
Babies don't need fathers, but mothers do. Someone who is taking care of a baby needs to be taken care of. Amy Heckerling Remember, even a kick in the ass is a step forward.
Willie Heath
I thought I was in love once, but it turned out it was just an inner ear imbalance.
Benton Frasier
I am glad I don't have to explain to a man from Mars why each day I set fire to dozens of little pieces of paper and put them in my mouth.
Mignon Mclaughlin
Believe half of what you see and nothing of what you hear.
my grandmother
The next time I send a damn fool on an errand, I'll go myself.
Dan Stole
I know you think you understand what you thought you heard me say, but what you think you heard me say is not really what I meant. Giving birth is easy; it's just like pissing a watermelon.
Chris Corcoran Mathia
I'm only going one way.
Babe Ruth
No diving allowed.
warning label on Hot Tub
Here lies the body of John Mound
on an Irish gravestone A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "What is this? A joke?"
Radar: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
These are actual comments left in 1997 on U. S. Forest Service registration sheets
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call." "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness." "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands." "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals." "Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse." "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill." "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests." "Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them." "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals." "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights." "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked." "Too many rocks in the mountains." Murphy's golden rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules. Poor Excuse for Excuses (some names have been replaced with Fred or Mary) My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him. Please excuse Fred for being. It was his father's fault. Please ackuse Fred being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33. Please excuse Fred from P.E. for a few days. He fell yesterday out of a tree and misplaced his hip. Please excuse Fred for being absent. He had a cold and could not breed well. Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Fred was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing area. Please excuse Fred Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Mary. She is having problems with her ovals.
Please excuse Fred from being absent yesterday. He had Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Did you hear about the insomniac, neurotic, agnostic dyslexic?
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Black holes are where God divided by zero. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work. Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques. Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished? Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable. Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
How do you do?
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. ... thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. Dave Barry My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays. Joey Bishop When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. Elayne Boolser I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. Richard Diran A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. W. C. Fields The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb. Benny Hill Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything. Charles Kuralt USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. David Letterman |
1
2
3
4
www.generationterrorists.com