The less you bet, the more you lose when you win. The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrongly, without commenting. If you keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you don't understand the problem. A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle. Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver. Infants speak many languages before they find one that grown-ups can understand. Everybody needs a certain level of misery in his life to ever be happy. If his misery falls below his critical level, he becomes unhappy and is driven to seek new misery. When his total misery rises to his critical level, he becomes happy again. How can you tell if someone's trying if they never succeed. Some people will believe anything if it's whispered to them. I'm for whoever gets you through the night - whether he be Jesus Christ of Jack Daniel's. The people who snores the loudest will fall asleep first. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. Bare feet magnetize sharp objects so that they always point upward from the floor - especially in the dark. It is better to have poor taste than no taste at all. Do unto others before they do unto you. Even with a nightcap, a wolf looks nothing like a grandmother. Don't spend your gross salary. When you starve a tiger, the tiger starves last. Keep yourself from opportunity, and God will keep you from sin. Basically, this guy was a saint, so we drink. Michelle Michaels of WDVE on St. Patrick's Day A conclusion is just simply the place where someone decided to stop thinking. Marsala Love - It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye or gets pregnant. Jim Cole Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. Albert Camus If you were arrested for kindness, would there be enough evidence to convict you? Enjoy life... This is not a rehearsal. Life IS pain...anyone who says differently is selling something. Westley The Princess Bride How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you're doing it? Dennis the Menace Children are the most expensive form of entertainment. Mihaela Iosof Winners believe in themselves. Losers leave it all to fate. The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do. What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow in his footsteps? Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls... if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. No good deed goes unpunished. Clare Boothe Luce You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word. Al Capone Be different: conform. A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. Paul Beatty Some people who yearn for endless life don't know what to do with a rainy afternoon. Harvey H. Potthoff Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. Tallulah Bankhead If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. The big problem with pornography is defining it You can't just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of Northern Mali that you may be interested in." So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. Dave Barry Pornography Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly. Elbert Hubbard All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. Don't steal. The government hates competition. Save California; when you leave take someone with you. If money could talk, it would say goodbye. No radio. Already stolen. bumper sticker Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. Spouse, n.: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. I can complain that rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice that thorn bushes have roses! Pessimists remind us that lilies belong to the onion family, and optimists that onions belong to the lily family. Yolaine Dippenweiler Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Red Buttons Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. George Carlin Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. Billiam Coronel Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. Will Rogers A penny saved is ridiculous. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Brain - the apparatus with which we think that we think. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95 I hate quotations. Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. Mark Twain Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking. Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers. Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it. It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. R. Serling "Someday I'm going to find the guy that thought up the idea of renting telepaths to businessmen and I'm going to kill him." "Funny, I just knew you were going to say that." Businessman and Lyta Alexander The Gathering Out testing time machine, be back yesterday. Disney's Quack Pack I may not be right, but I'm never wrong! (contributed by Caveman) There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on... Robert Byrne The reason why life is so uncertain is because it was poorly named. Half of the word "life" is "if." It is the same breeze which lifts girl's skirts that blows sand in your eyes. Art is so obscure they had to invent philosophy to try to explain it. How did the fool get all that money in the first place? Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day? Time's fun when you're having flies. Kermit the Frog Simon grinned. He began to scratch out a first lesson in the dirt with a stick, but it was unsatisfactory and Rob went to the wagon and got out drawing things and a clean round of beechwood. Simon started him in the Parsi language exactly as Mam had taught him to read English many years earlier, by teaching him the alphabet. Parsi letters were composed of dots and squiggly lines. Christ's blood! The written language resembled pigeon shit, bird tracks, curled wood shavings, worms trying to fuck each other. Noah Gordon The Physician On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" "How would you be able to give your wife and family the five Cs in future? Probably the only C you can afford is cow." my mum to me when I told her I would not be going overseas to get my degree If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. Dain bramaged. I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. English Professor Ohio University Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working. I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. David Dinkins New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing. 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? Rita Rudner I save lives. What do you do? bumper sticker on a firetruck

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