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I try to figure my adjusted gross income, but no matter how I figure it, it's still gross.
Sam Ewing If you believe the past can't be changed, you haven't read a celebrity's autobiography. Sam Ewing A neighbor will stand at your door talking for 20 minutes because she doesn't have time to come in. Sam Ewing Ever notice that nothing changes the color of paint like putting it on a wall? Sam Ewing The reason that so many of us cannot save money is because of our friends. They're always buying something we can't afford. Sam Ewing Housework is something you do that nobody notices unless you haven't done it. Sam Ewing Highways are full of careless drivers who are always too close in front of you. Sam Ewing Nothing in the world can replace the modern swimsuit, and it practically has. Sam Ewing A man can please his wife with a box of candy, surprise her with a bouquet of flowers, and make her suspicious with a gold bracelet. Sam Ewing Inflation is when you pay 15 dollars for the 10 dollar haircut you used to get for 5 dollars when you had hair Sam Ewing The trouble with giving advice is that others want to return the favor. Sam Ewing One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged. Heinrich Heine I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. Marie Corelli Why do homeless people always live on the dirty streets of a huge city like New York? If I were homeless, I would spend my life getting to Hawaii or someplace warm and beautiful, and be homeless there. Amy Maran Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die. Mel Brooks The difference between love and sex is that sex relieves tension and love causes it. Woody Allen People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. David H. Comins If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record. Mark S. Fowler All things being equal, you lose. Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it. Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it. I invented the Internet.
Al Gore
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented Spellcheck. Dan Quayle If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance. Al Bernstein Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lampost how it feels about dogs. Christopher Hampton It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they are they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.
Scott Adams
Why be born again, when you can just grow up? All Jesus could do was turn water into wine. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers - could Jesus do that? If the Bible proves that God exists then comic books prove the existence of Superman. #Atheism IRC Although it is said that faith can move mountains, experience has shown that dynamite works better. When you see a cross sticking in the ground, that usually means that someone is buried there, or someone got killed there. Perhaps, by wearing that cross around their neck, what they're saying is that they're dead from the neck up? That would explain a lot of things. Wayne Aiken If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
Woody Allen I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. Tammy Faye Bakker Truth does not demand belief. Scientists do not join hands every Sunday, singing, "yes, gravity is real! I will have faith! I will be strong! I believe in my heart that what goes up, up, up must come down, down. down. Amen!" If they did, we would think they were pretty insecure about it. Dan Barker Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Ambrose Bierce You go back and tell Brigham Young that I'll give up the Lord's money when he sends me a receipt signed by the Lord, and no sooner.
Sam Brannan Jesus Christ: A common exclamation indicating surprise, disgust, anger or bewilderment.
Chaz Bufe We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction. General Douglas MacArthur If the Creator had a purpose in equiping us with a neck, he surely meant for us to stick it out.
Arthur Koestler If you love something, set it free. If it returns you have not lost it. If it disappears and never comes back, then it was never yours to begin with. And if it just sits there watching television, unaware that it has been set free - then you probably married it. It can't be premarital sex, if no one has proposed...
bumber sticker
When I'm out slaughtering Jedi, I don't have to worry about getting enough calcium. That's why I drink milk. It's 9 essential nutrients help me keep my bones strong, which is good, because I'd look really stupid if one of my horns broke off.
Darth Maul When younger are you, strong bones milk builds, yes. But when adults, slow rate of bone density loss, it does. Strong am I with the Force at my age. When 860 years old you reach, feel as good you will not, hmmm?
Yoda Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions, and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch. Dave James A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. Charles Darwin Take away the right to say "fuck" and you take away the right to say "fuck the government." Lenny Bruce The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. George Miller I like flowers. I also like children, but I do not chop off their heads and keep them in bowls of water around the house. George Bernard Shaw Ever notice that when women hold off getting married, we call it "independence," but when men do, it's called "fear of commitment"?
Jay Trachman If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. Kin Hubbard Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. (contributed by Dave) I will kill the BackStreet Boys by beating them with the members of N-Sync. John Fugelsang, The Donna and Marie Show He's [God] my favorite fictional character.
Homer Simpson
Love is complicated. Carol and Company
"This is Rangoon control. What are your departure and landing points?" exchange between Breitling Orbiter 3 and Burmese authorities It's pretty obvious that if there's anything the good ol' U.S. of A. excels at, it's selling and marketing all the crap this country produces. If someone dreams it up, there's probably someone gullible enough to buy it. Erica Smith and J. D. Frank, CNET.com Success is 10% inspiration, 90% last-minute changes. advertisement on a billboard Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. Once you accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid becomes easy. Albert Einstein Start each day with a smile and get it over with. W. C. Fields You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to get back inside. Heathcote Williams It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether I win or lose.
Jacob Thompson
Nothing is more foolish than to talk of frivolous things seriously; but nothing is wittier than to make frivolities serve serious ends. Erasmus The whole principle [of censorship] is wrong; it's like demanding that grown men live on skim milk because the baby can't eat steak. Robert Heinlein Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. Howard Aiken If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. Jack Handey The really depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I will never be as good as the wall. Mitch Hedberg MULDER: Cow mutilations have increased steadily over the past few years and there's only one reason - aliens. They understand the nutritional value of milk. SCULLY: Usually the skeptic, I have to agree that 3 glasses of milk a day gives you enough calcium to travel all over the nation to investigate strange happenings. MULDER: The milk is out there. Mulder and Scully Normally, the only thing I like to put in my mouth is a cigarette, but being so busy, I need something more. I need something rich in nutrients, like milk. Milk offers me the calcium I don't get from tobacco smoke and gives me the nine essential nutrients I need for manipulating the minds of the masses, and perpetuating international government conspiracies. That's no lie. Cigarette-Smoking Man Around the office, I'm known for betraying people, but that's not all I do. Like a good rat, I drink milk. A lot of it. A minimum of 3 glasses a day gives me all the nutrients I need to effectively stab people in the back. Another plus - milk is rich in calcium, so I'll have a new arm in no time. Alex Krycek The X-Files, Milk Mustache Campaign If having fun makes time go faster, how can a good laugh prolong one's life?
Niklas Muras
Cheat if you think you can get away with it - remember, someone with richer parents is getting private tuition.
John Safran If god didn't want us to eat in church, he would have made gluttony a sin. Homer Simpson It doesn't make any difference how much money you make, your wife can spend it all. Bill McDaniel
Mom: You can when you're Arthur's age. Arthur To wonder where the mind goes after the brain decays is as silly as asking where the 70-miles-per-hour have gone after a speeding auto has crashed into a tree. Frank Zindler One of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our fathers used in the great struggle for Independence. Charles A. Beard I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite. G. K. Chesterton One of the tragic consequences of divorce is that the kids are legally obligated by the courts to spend a fixed amount of time with their dads. In normal families, dads and children happily ignore each other.
C.D. Payne Like all great romanticists, Shakespeare knew that love was more likely to end up with a bunch of dead Danish people then with a kiss.
Dawsons Creek
Here's to you, and here's to me... And if, by chance, we disagree - Fuck you, and here's to me!
Old Marine Corps toast
When I make a joke, nobody gets injured... when Congress makes a joke, it's the law. Will Rogers Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don't want to do. Tim Allen I feel most ministers who claim they've heard God's voice are eating too much pizza before they go to bed at night, and it's really an intestinal disorder, not a revelation. Reverend Jerry Falwell [unlike cats] dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong. Dave Barry The deadliest bullshit is odorless and transparent. William Gibson When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors. Jay Leno Women and cats do as they dammed well please. Men and dogs had best learn to live with it... I hate high fashion. I hate that we reward people for being genetic freaks. You hear the guys announcing the runway shows saying, 'A pretty face is your best asset this season.' And what? Ugly girls had a free ride last year?
Janeane Garofalo
This is my best friend. It took me a little while to get to know him, but once you do he never leaves. This is my friend Jack Daniels. Dave Matthews The difference between a bitch and a slut, is that a slut is someone who sleeps with everyone and a bitch is someone who sleeps with everybody but you. Chasing Amy You have to believe in God before you can say there are things that man was not meant to know. I don't think there's anything man wasn't meant to know. There are just some stupid things that people shouldn't do. David Cronenberg Tomorrow: One of the greatest labour-saving devices of today. The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. H. L. Mencken It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull. H. L. Mencken I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room. Blaise Pascal The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization. Sigmund Freud The priests used to say that faith can move mountains, and nobody believed them. Today the scientists say that they can level mountains, and nobody doubts them. Joseph Campbell What is a rebel? A man who says no. Albert Camus I prefer a good pair of boots to Shakespeare. Leo Tolstoy Great warriors, like great earthquakes, are principally remembered for the mischief they have done. Bovee No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country. General George S. Patton, Jr |
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