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She was one in a million, so there's five more just in New South Wales.
The Whitlams
To be old and wise, you first must be young and stupid. (contributed by RON) The only way to get rid of corruption in high places is to get rid of high places. (contributed by LuAnn) Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people we personally dislike.
Oscar Wilde
Remember there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. Frank Zappa Trying is the first step towards failure.
Homer Simpson I don't try all that much because if I fail, I can always say, "At least I didn't try." Jim Moser The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older.
Doug Larson
Homer: Dad, you're not "with it". The Simpsons A true friend stabs you in the front. Oscar Wilde Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to that person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
Jack Handey Now it is such a bizarrely improbable conincidence that anything so mindbogglingly useful [as the Babel fish] could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the nonexistence of God.The argument goes something like this: "I refuse to prove that I exist" says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED." "Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. "Oh, that was easy," says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.
Douglas Adams Are you woman enough to be my man?
Eddie Vedder (Peral Jam)
The problem, Mr. Fudd, is that you've been having a sublimal effect on everyone in the factory. We're proud of our product, Mr. Fudd, and there's no company in the world that build a finer skwoo dwivuh. ... Dang! Now you got me doing it!
Gary Larson Procrastination is like masturbation, it feels good while your doing it, but then you realize you are only fucking yourself. (contributed by Pam) Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Terry Pratchett
To be early is to be on time, to be on time is to be late, and to be late is to be early for the next class. students at Myers Park High "It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever," he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?"
Terry Pratchett After I have sex, I usually wash my hands. Who knows where that money has been! (contributed by Jared) Men are only after one thing - the TV remote control.
Bunny Hoest and John Reiner Nobody dies a virgin. Life screws everyone. (contributed by Barrett Johnston) It is always disappointing to find redeeming qualities in people that you know to be pieces of shit. Spandrell We're not great friends, but I admire him. If he thinks he's the best player of the century, that's his problem. Pele, on Maradona
Razors pain you Dorothy Parker I've figured out the boy's punishment: No leaving the house for one week, not even for school. And no egg nog on christmas. In fact, no "nog" period, and lastly, no stealing for three months.
Homer Jay Simpson There's nothing wrong with masturbation. It's simply sex with someone you love.
Shelby Moline
Dancing is like masturbation. Fun by yourself, but better when someone does it for you.
I am a man of simple pleasures. The best suits me perfectly.
Oscar Wilde
What idiot was in charge of PR for the Nazi Party? Their ideological views aside, you're just asking to be the bad guys in a war when your main colors are black and gray, you tuck your pants into your leather boots and you have a skull and crossbones as an emblem.
Scott DeVaney Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run like hell. He hates that! I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
Jack Handey
The only way to lose wight in the thighs is amputation. If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you. Al Bundy, Married With Children If a man says something and theres no women around to hear it, is he still wrong? A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
Times of India
BUFFY: "Faith, these are innocent people." Buffy the Vampire Slayer
If wild my breast and sore my pride,
Dorothy Parker I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin
Why drink and drive if I can smoke and fly?
Bob Marley
Love is a game nature plays to get us to reproduce. I want no part of it.
(Callisto) Hudson Leick
DAPHNE: Now come now Dr. Crane, hasn't a man ever used sex to get what he wants? Frasier Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. I'll have you know I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
W. C. Fields
Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.
Scott Adams I feel sorry for people that don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
Life is like a freaking basketball game. Only a few are ever good at it, and they get millions of dollars to play it. The rest of us are stuck shooting 10% on good days, hoping each time for that perfect shot. As if it wasn't enough, you have those god-damned competitions where you shoot from quarter court to win some big prize, don't let that fool you, life isn't giving you chance, its making you realise that you suck at basketball. Alexandre Lemieux Christians would have us believe that there's an invisible man who lives in the sky, who watches everything we do, every minute of every day. And he has a list of ten things he does not want you to do, and if you do any of the things on that list, he has a special place he will send you full of fire and torture and torment, where you will suffer and burn and scream and cry forever and ever, but... He loves you! Georg Carlin A woman who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is obviously setting her sights a little higher. A million monkeys typing on a million typewritters might produce all the old classics, but more than likely, you'll just get a whole lot of monkey shit. (contributed by Zephon) The art of being a woman is knowing when to not be a lady. (contributed by Dan Ledbetter) In the beginning the Universe was created. This made a lot of people angry and was generally considered a bad move.
Douglas Adams The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's because they use more bullshit. Shapiro's Explanation If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Jerry Seinfeld
People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live.
Jason Alexander (George Costanza) VENDOR: We have Mountain Dew and crab juice. HOMER: Ewwww! I'll take the crab juice. The Simpsons If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then, yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I'm a coward. Jack Handey Look on the bright side: If the glass is half empty, then I must be half full. (contributed by Shazzy) Sure the lion is the undisputed king of the jungle, but throw him in Antarctica, and he is just another penguin's bitch.
Dennis Miller
There are three stages of a man's life: When he believes in Santa Claus, when he doesn't believe in Santa Claus, and when he is Santa Claus. Anyone who can contemplate quantum physics without getting dizzy hasn't understood it.
Make people think they're thinking, and they'll love you; make them really think and they'll hate you.
Justyn Watanabe
When person speak with forked tongue it is good to answer with forked fingers. The mass media will tell you they can't influence human behavior, but that's not what they tell their advertisers. Daniel McNeil Why are wrong numbers never busy? It is a brave man who is the first to sit down during a standing ovation. Alexander Solzhenitsyn Trying is the first step towards failure.
The Simpsons
When someone says: "It's not money, it is principle", - it is the money. Set me anything to do as a task, and it is inconceivable desire I have to do something else. George B. Show If I have not seen so far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. Hal Abelman Water? I never touch the stuff. Fish fuck in it.
W. C. Fields
My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
Rodney Dangerfield
This is not the time to talk about time, we don't have the time.
Deanna Troy This little piggy went to hades; This little piggy stayed home; This little piggy ate raw and steaming human flesh; This little piggy violated virgins; And this little piggy clambered over a heap of dead bodies to get to the top.
Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett |
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