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Simply Delightful - QuotesChristians say that - without exception - their God answers all of their prayers; it's just that He sometimes says "yes" and other times "no," "maybe," or "wait." Of course the same could be said of the rain-god, "Bob." "Would you tax God?" asks a defender of church tax exemption. Well, if there were a God he should be able to pay his own way and support his own business. If not, then he should do like other business men and close up shop. The Church Is a Burden, Not a Benefit, In Social Life The Earth is an object lesson for the apprentice gods. "If you really screw up," they get told, "you'll make something like Earth." Contact And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What? There was not a breach of security as such. It was a case of someone cutting a hole from the outside and facilitating the escape of three of our inmates. Huddersfield Daily Examiner Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. The West wasn't won on salad. North Dakota Beef Council The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever. Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some. Some come here to sit and think; but I come here to shit and stink. bathroom in Brandon, Ca. If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. Lotteries, a tax upon imbeciles. If you bet on a horse, that's gambling. If you bet you can make three spades, that's entertainment. If you bet cotton will go up three points, that's business. See the difference? As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it. Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: that is all there is to distinguish us from other animals. God is Love - I dare say. But what a mischievous devil Love is! Don't put all your eggs in one bastard. Half of all home accidents happen in the kitchen, and the family has to eat them. President Herbert Hoover returned his salary to the government. His idea caught on, and now we're all doing it. Success is when your name is in everything but the telephone directory. Crime in the cities is very discouraging. Apartment house dwellers have locks, bolts, chains and bars on their doors. It takes a tenant longer to get out than a burglar to get in. Wouldn't you like to weigh what it says on your driver's license? When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day. Youth is when you think you'll live forever. Old age is when you wonder how you've lived so long. If we are what we eat, why aren't we new, improved, fat-free, and light. Many trees could be saved if the government stopped printing tax forms. I try to figure my adjusted gross income, but no matter how I figure it, it's still gross. If you believe the past can't be changed, you haven't read a celebrity's autobiography. A neighbor will stand at your door talking for 20 minutes because she doesn't have time to come in. Ever notice that nothing changes the color of paint like putting it on a wall? The reason that so many of us cannot save money is because of our friends. They're always buying something we can't afford. Housework is something you do that nobody notices unless you haven't done it. Highways are full of careless drivers who are always too close in front of you. Nothing in the world can replace the modern swimsuit, and it practically has. A man can please his wife with a box of candy, surprise her with a bouquet of flowers, and make her suspicious with a gold bracelet. Inflation is when you pay 15 dollars for the 10 dollar haircut you used to get for 5 dollars when you had hair The trouble with giving advice is that others want to return the favor. One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged. I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. Why do homeless people always live on the dirty streets of a huge city like New York? If I were homeless, I would spend my life getting to Hawaii or someplace warm and beautiful, and be homeless there. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die. The difference between love and sex is that sex relieves tension and love causes it. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record. All things being equal, you lose. Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it. Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it. |
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