Simply Delightful - Quotes
Infancy: n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
The Devil's Dictionary
What do you take me for, an idiot?
Skiing: the art of catching cold and going broke while rapidly heading nowhere at great personal risk.
Whenever A annoys or injures B on the pretense of saving or improving X, A is a scoundrel.
The Earth has a skin and that skin has diseases, one of those diseases is man.
If the devil were to offer me a resurgence of what is commonly called virility, I'd decline. 'Just keep my liver and lungs in good working order,' I'd reply, 'so I can go on drinking and smoking.'
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.
Dawn. When men of reason go to bed.
The Devil's Dictionary
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
I don't see a reason for there to be a reason for us to do something.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.
I think, therefore I'm single.
If love is blind, I'll buy myself a cane.
Hold on to your divine blush, your innate rosy magic, or end up brown. Once you're brown, you'll find out you're blue. As blue as indigo. And you know what that means. Indigo. Indigoing. Indigone.
The hair was a Vaseline cathedral, the mouth a touchingly uncertain sneer of allure. One, two-wham! Like a berserk blender the lusty young pelvis whirred and the notorious git-tar slammed forward with a jolt that symbolically deflowered a generation of teenagers and knocked chips off 90 million older shoulders. Then out of the half-melted vanilla face a wild black baritone came bawling in orgasmic lurches. Whu-huh-huh-huh f'the money! Two f'the show! Three t'git riddy naa GO CAAT GO!
Life, Winter, 1977
I'm furious about the Women's Liberationists. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That's true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket.
If it's natural to kill why do men have to go into training to learn how?
On the subject of wild mushrooms, it is easy to tell who is an expert and who is not: The expert is the one who is still alive.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.
NOTE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE AND AMERICANS:
One shilling = Five Pee. It helps to understand the antique finances of the Witchfinder Army if you know the original British monetary system:
Two Farthings = One Ha'penny. Two Ha'penny = One Penny. Three Pennies = A Thrupenny Bit. Two Thrupences = A Sixpence. Two Sixpence = One Shilling, or Bob. Two Bob = A Florin. One Florin and One Sixpence = Half a Crown. Four Half Crowns = Ten Bob Note. Two Ten Bob Note = One Pound (or 240 pennies). One Pound and One Shilling = One Guinea.
The British resisted decimalized currency for a long time because they thought it was too complicated.
What's the use of worrying. Yesterday has gone and tomorrow isn't here yet.
Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question.
I've never yet read a review of one of my own books that I couldn't have written much better myself.
Literature, like anything else, can become a wearisome business if you make a lifetime specialty of it. A healthy, wholesome man would no more spend his entire life reading great books than he would packing cookies for Nabisco.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad.
The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
Three can keep a secret if two are dead.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong - but that's the way to bet.
Smile. Tomorrow will be worse.
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another - It's one damn thing over and over.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
Some people drink from the fountain of life, while others just rinse and spit.
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
LORD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off!
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.
There's nothing better than a big cup of espresso and a bowl of macaroni and cheese.
Things that must be together to work usually can't be shipped together.
I have my faults, but changing my tune is not one of them.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
Time Enough for Love
If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
The first thing we do let's kill all the lawyers. II Henry VI, Act IV Scene 2
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
It's OK to grow up - just as long as you don't grow old. Face it... you are young.
This Is Hardcore
Critics are like ticks on a dog or tits on a motor: ornamental but dysfunctional.
A pretty girl can do no wrong.