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Simply Delightful - Quotes

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Groucho Marx

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way."

C. S. Lewis
The Great Divorce

Another day over. Objectives fulfilled. Deadlines met. Pigs fed and ready for take off.

You can't get ice-cream out of shit... no matter how much you stir.

We don't always get what we want, we don't always get what we like, just as long as we don't get what we deserve.

I can make ANY cat go "woof". All you need is some gasoline and a match!

Russell W. Laughlin

In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.

The coldest winter I ever spent was one summer in San Francisco.

Mark Twain

Wanted: A dog that neither barks nor bites, eats broken glass and shits diamonds.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I can only please one person per day. Today isn't your day, tomorrow doesn't look good either.

Hilary W.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Art Hoppe

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

from an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of National Review

Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.

Charles Barkley
after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics.

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?

Irv Kupcinet

The Olympic torch was born on the night
That God said 'Let There Be Light'
He then engineered a manuever so weird
That it caused the whole sky to go white -
He oxygenated the hydrogen!
- and thus did water ensue,
Setting the atmospheric strage
- from which to create me and you.
After he gave us the gift of life,
He employed a most novel device -
He invented "degrees," so the water would freeze,
And He created snow and ice!
Quite Willy-Nilly he made us all silly
And gave us a frightful yen
T'ward the frostiest sorts of bone chilling sports
- then exclaimed "Let The Games Begin."

Johnny Hart
B. C., The Father of Winter Olympics

When angry count four, when very angry, swear!

Mark Twain

You pretend to work and we'll pretend to pay you.

Things You'll Never See On The Office Inspirational Posters

Beggars should be abolished entirely! Verily it is annoying to give to them, and it is annoying not to give to them.

Friedrich Nietzsche

I cannot praise the Preacher's eyes,
I never saw his glance divine,
He always shuts them when he prays,
And when he preaches he shuts mine.

Some go to church to see and be seen,
Some go there to say they have been,
Some go there to sleep and nod,
But few go there to worship God.

Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
Fain would I fathom thy nature specific,
Loftily poised in ether capacious,
Strongly resembling a gem carbonaceous.

anonymous Boston version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

For perfect happiness, remember two things:
1. Be content with what you've got.
2. Be sure you've got plenty

Satan didn't fall. He was pushed.

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.

Franklin P. Jones

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Phyllis Diller

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy - the mother.

Claudette Colbert

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

Fran Lebowitz

Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and only half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

Rebecca Richards

Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children; now, I have six children and no theories.

John Wilmont, Earl of Rochester

God gives us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.

Ethel Wats Mumford

I was a fantastic student until ten, and then my mind began to wander.

Grace Paley

Of all wild animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.


In general, my children refused to eat anything that hadn't danced on TV.

Erma Bombeck

My kids can con me into doing things for them by saying, "But it's so much better when you do it, Mom."

Muriel J. Trost

You have a wonderful child. Then, when he's thirteen, gremlins carry him away and leave in his place a stranger who gives you not a moment's peace.

Jill Eichenberry

Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster too.

Lionel Kauffman

It's dangerous to confuse children with angels.

David Fyfe

It is not a bad thing that children should occasionally, and politely, put parents in their place.


Grown-ups never understand anything on their own, and it's tiresome for children for ever and ever to be giving them explanations.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
The Little Prince

A husband is a man who wishes he had as much fun when he goes on business trips as his wife thinks he does.

Ann Landers
Creators Syndicate

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Malachy McCourt

I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription.

Finley Peter Dunne

Mother, I Want to Go to the Mountainside and Harden Myself with Physical Labor.

Chinese Communist hit song

I'd like to thank my mother, my father, the Academy. I'm sorry. I was thinking of something else.

Jim Carrey
receiving the Golden Glode Award for Best Actor In A Motion Picture, Drama

What can I say? I got fucked. People are always fucking with me. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

Mike Tyson
Playboy Magazine

If there were an afterlife, Isaac Asimov would have written a book about it by now.

If Jesus loves me, why doesn't he ever send me flowers?

The biblical account of Noah's Ark and the Flood is perhaps the most implausible story for fundamentalists to defend. Where, for example, while loading his ark, did Noah find penguins and polar bears in Palestine?

Judith Hayes
In God We Trust: But Which One?

If we are going to teach 'creation science' as an alternative to evolution, then we should also teach the stork theory as an alternative to biological reproduction.

Judith Hayes
In God We Trust: But Which One?