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Simply Delightful - Quotes

No good deed goes unpunished.

Clare Boothe Luce

You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.

Al Capone

Be different: conform.

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

Paul Beatty

Some people who yearn for endless life don't know what to do with a rainy afternoon.

Harvey H. Potthoff

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

Tallulah Bankhead

If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

The big problem with pornography is defining it You can't just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of Northern Mali that you may be interested in."

So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.

Dave Barry

Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly.

Elbert Hubbard

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Save California; when you leave take someone with you.

If money could talk, it would say goodbye.

No radio. Already stolen.

bumper sticker

Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.

Spouse, n.: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.

I can complain that rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice that thorn bushes have roses!

Pessimists remind us that lilies belong to the onion family, and optimists that onions belong to the lily family.

Yolaine Dippenweiler

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Red Buttons

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron.

George Carlin

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

Billiam Coronel

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

Will Rogers

A penny saved is ridiculous.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Brain - the apparatus with which we think that we think.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

Mark Twain

Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking.

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

R. Serling

"Someday I'm going to find the guy that thought up the idea of renting telepaths to businessmen and I'm going to kill him."
"Funny, I just knew you were going to say that."

Businessman and Lyta Alexander
The Gathering

Out testing time machine, be back yesterday.

Disney's Quack Pack

I may not be right, but I'm never wrong!

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on...

Robert Byrne

The reason why life is so uncertain is because it was poorly named. Half of the word "life" is "if."

It is the same breeze which lifts girl's skirts that blows sand in your eyes.

Art is so obscure they had to invent philosophy to try to explain it.

How did the fool get all that money in the first place?

Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?

Time's fun when you're having flies.

Kermit the Frog

Simon grinned. He began to scratch out a first lesson in the dirt with a stick, but it was unsatisfactory and Rob went to the wagon and got out drawing things and a clean round of beechwood. Simon started him in the Parsi language exactly as Mam had taught him to read English many years earlier, by teaching him the alphabet. Parsi letters were composed of dots and squiggly lines. Christ's blood! The written language resembled pigeon shit, bird tracks, curled wood shavings, worms trying to fuck each other.

Noah Gordon
The Physician