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Simply Delightful - Quotes

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

"How would you be able to give your wife and family the five Cs in future?
Probably the only C you can afford is cow."

my mum to me when I told her I would not be going overseas to get my degree

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Dain bramaged.

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

English Professor
Ohio University

Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working.

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing. 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Rita Rudner

I save lives. What do you do?

bumper sticker on a firetruck

That is the saddest story I've ever heard. It has really touched my heart. And you have my deepest sympathies.
Now fuck off and stop bothering me.

on a T-shirt

My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.

Ashleigh Brilliant

Life is but a game, and money is just a means of keeping score.

A witty saying proves nothing.


There are two kinds of women: those who want power in the world, and those who want power in bed.

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

There are two sorts of losers - the good loser, and the one who can't act.

Lawrence J. Peter

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end... I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

Dorothy Parker

If God wanted sex to be fun, He wouldn't have included children as a punishment.

Ed Bluestone

Kindness is loving people more than they deserve.

Joseph Joubert

That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.

Dorothy Parker

It's very easy to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more gut and gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own.

Jessamyn West

When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.

When choosing between evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before.

Mae West

Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink.

I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.

Kinky is using a feather, perverted is using the whole chicken.

Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife. Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.

The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I'll walk carefully.

Russian proverb

While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.

Anton Chekhov

Math is like love - a simple idea but it can get complicated.

R. Drabek

If you love something, turn it loose. If it doesn't come back, kill it!

Doug Horton

Love: The delusion that one woman differs from another.

Henry Louis Mencken

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.

Michel de Montaigne

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.

Ogden Nash

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.

George Bernard Shaw

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Mae West

Marriage is not a word - it is a sentence.

The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.

There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Alexandre Dumas

If you want a high performance woman, I can go from zero to bitch in less than 2.1 seconds.

Krystal Ann Kraus

There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.

Gloria Steinem

I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to watch him have another.

If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot dog stands on the moon.

Sex is what women have and men want.

The more I know men, the more I love my dog.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Groucho Marx

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

General George Patton

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.