Simply Delightful - Quotes
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
"How would you be able to give your wife and family the five Cs in future?
Probably the only C you can afford is cow."
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working.
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing. 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
I save lives. What do you do? bumper sticker on a firetruck
That is the saddest story I've ever heard. It has really touched my heart. And you have my deepest sympathies.
Now fuck off and stop bothering me. on a T-shirt
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
Life is but a game, and money is just a means of keeping score.
A witty saying proves nothing.
There are two kinds of women: those who want power in the world, and those who want power in bed.
There are two sorts of losers - the good loser, and the one who can't act.
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end... I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
If God wanted sex to be fun, He wouldn't have included children as a punishment.
Kindness is loving people more than they deserve.
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
It's very easy to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more gut and gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own.
When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
When choosing between evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before.
Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink.
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
Kinky is using a feather, perverted is using the whole chicken.
Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife. Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.
The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I'll walk carefully. Russian proverb
While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
Math is like love - a simple idea but it can get complicated.
If you love something, turn it loose. If it doesn't come back, kill it!
Love: The delusion that one woman differs from another.
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Marriage is not a word - it is a sentence.
The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
If you want a high performance woman, I can go from zero to bitch in less than 2.1 seconds.
There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to watch him have another.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot dog stands on the moon.
Sex is what women have and men want.
The more I know men, the more I love my dog.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.