Je Souhaite (7x21)
written by Vince Gilligan
SCULLY: Look, Mulder, all I'm saying is...
MULDER: I know -- this may not be a crime and this guy Stokes may not know anything about it.
SCULLY: But there is a condition called microstomia-- "small mouth"-- which is, uh, it's brought on by the disease scleroderma and it's the overproduction of collagen and it can actually reduce a person's mouth to a tiny little opening.
MULDER: Yeah, but that takes months to develop, right? It doesn't just happen in the blink of an eye. Gilmore's surgeons are stumped. They're writing it up in the New England Journal of Medicine.
SCULLY: Well, there's always nasal aplasia-- the complete absence of a nose.
MULDER: That's a nose, Scully; we're talking mouth here.
MULDER: Hey, Scully, check this out.
MULDER: This woman look familiar to you?
SCULLY: That's the woman from the trailer.
MULDER: That's the young woman from the trailer. How many centuries now has disco been dead?
ANSON STOKES: Two down. Two down, I got nothing to show for it.
LESLIE STOKES: You got the boat.
ANSON STOKES: And what the hell good is that? Huh? That thing is like a big... you know, big...
DARK-HAIRED WOMAN: White elephant?
ANSON STOKES: What? I'm sorry. What does that mean?
DARK-HAIRED WOMAN: It's a big expensive item that serves no purpose and is ultimately more trouble than it's worth.
ANSON STOKES: So what the hell did you give it to me for?
DARK-HAIRED WOMAN: Because you asked for it.
ANSON STOKES: Fine. You know what? I can appreciate that. That's... but don't you think maybe you could've found some frickin' water to put it in?
DARK-HAIRED WOMAN: You didn't specify water.
ANSON STOKES: I got to specify that you put a boat in the frickin' water? That is a given. Frickin' white elephant. I can't even pay the taxes on it.
LESLIE STOKES: Why don't you just, uh, use your last wish to get rid of it?
ANSON STOKES: You want me to put you in a home or something, maybe, right now? Because I just told you, Leslie, that I wasted two wishes, okay? And I am not... are you listening? I am not going to waste the third. All right? Come on. Come on. We got to concentrate here. Now, let me figure this out. Let me figure this out. Third wish, third wish, third wish, final wish. Hey, I'm just spit-balling here, all right? If I happen to say, "I wish," by accident, that does not count, not until I am absolutely ready, okay?
DARK-HAIRED WOMAN: You could always give that guy his mouth back.
ANSON STOKES: Hey, all I said was that I wish Jay would shut the hell up. If you feel bad about what you did to him fix it on your own dime, okay?
DARK-HAIRED WOMAN: It doesn't work like that.
ANSON STOKES: Whatever. Leslie, would you help me out here?
LESLIE STOKES: Uh... Money. Wish for money.
ANSON STOKES: Yeah, okay, that's not bad. That's not bad, that's not bad, but don't you think maybe we should think of something that would, generate money instead of the, actually the money itself?
DARK-HAIRED WOMAN: Brains? Talent? Hard work?
LESLIE STOKES: Uh... A money machine. Huh?
ANSON STOKES: That's not... but something better. Something better. Okay, but...
LESLIE STOKES: An infinite number of wishes?
ANSON STOKES: Okay.
DARK-HAIRED WOMAN: Just three boys. Settle down.
DARK-HAIRED WOMAN: Your wish is breathtaking in its un-originality.
ANSON STOKES: My clothes are going to turn invisible, too, right?
DARK-HAIRED WOMAN: You didn't specify clothes.
MULDER: I think you missed a spot here. I can see straight through to his ass. This is Anson Stokes, huh?
SCULLY: It is. His dental records are a match. He was found about half a mile from his house. He was probably hit by a car or a truck or... something.
MULDER: And he's invisible.
SCULLY: Yes, he is. You know, Mulder, in the seven years that we've been working together I have seen some amazing things, but this? This takes the cake. It's... it's going to change the boundaries of science.
MULDER: Uh, let me tell you where I'm going with this. I think that woman is a jinniyah. Are you familiar with that term?
LESLIE STOKES: No.
MULDER: It's the feminine for jinni-- as in a demon or spirit from Middle Eastern folklore. Yeah, except Barbara Eden never killed anybody. All right, now in Arabic mythology they speak of these beings that are composed of flame or air but take human form. They can perform certain tasks or grant certain wishes. They live in inanimate objects like a lamp or a ring.
MULDER: Recognize him?
SCULLY: Benito Mussolini.
MULDER: How about her?
SCULLY: Your mystery woman. Or someone who looks a lot like her.
MULDER: Well, the computer says it is her. I ran her through Quantico's facial recognition software and couldn't come up with a match in the known felon database. Then I took a flier and checked with the image bank at the national archives. Voila.
SCULLY: Well, even if it is her, Mulder, what would she be doing with Mussolini?
MULDER: Or Richard Nixon, for that matter. I don't know. Except that they're both men who got all the power they ever wished for and then lost it.
LESLIE STOKES: Okay. You know what? He's creeping me out. This isn't what I asked for. He's all weird and messed up.
DARK-HAIRED WOMAN: He's been hit by a truck. What did you expect?
LESLIE STOKES: I asked you to bring him back to normal.
DARK-HAIRED WOMAN: You asked me to bring him back.
LESLIE STOKES: Okay, you know, the... Now, he's starting to smell bad! Come on-- this isn't what I wanted! Look, he's got to at least be able to talk.
SCULLY: I know what he'd say. He'd say that you're some kind of a jinni from 1,001 Nights or something like that and that you grant people wishes.
JENN: Well, there you have it.
MULDER: Well, one thing I haven't been able to figure out is whether you're a good jinni or an evil one. Everybody you come in contact with seems to meet a bad end.
JENN: That's the conclusion you've drawn? That I'm evil?
MULDER: Well, possibly evil. Possibly cursed. A curse to others.
JENN: The only thing you people are cursed with is stupidity. All of you. Everybody. Mankind. Everyone I have ever come into contact with without fail. Always asking for the wrong thing.
MULDER: You mean making the wrong wishes.
JENN: Yeah, it's always: "Give me money. Give me big boobs." "Give me a big hoo-hoo. Make me cool like the Fonz." Or whoever's the big name now.
MULDER: You been out of circulation a long time.
JENN: So what? In 500 years, people have not changed a bit.
SCULLY: 500 years.
JENN: Granted, they smell better now generally speaking but human greed still reigns... shallowness... a propensity for self-destruction.
JENN: I used to be human. I was born in 15th century France and then, one day, an old Moor came to my village peddling rugs and I unrolled one that an Ifrit had taken residence in.
SCULLY: "An Ifrit."
JENN: A very... powerful class of jinni. He offered me three wishes. For the first I asked for a stouthearted mule. For the second, a magic sack that was always full of turnips... Did I mention this was 15th century France?
MULDER: What was your third wish?
JENN: My third... I pondered for a great while. I didn't want to waste it. So, finally, feeling very intelligent I spoke up and I said "Je souhaite un grand pouvoir et une longue vie." "I wish for great power and long life."
MULDER: And thus became a jinni yourself.
JENN: Gave me the mark of the jinn...right there. It's forever. Sort of like a prison tattoo. I should've been more specific.
JENN: So, am I under arrest?
SCULLY: I can't think of anything we have to hold you on. And, not surprisingly we don't have any evidence of any of this, so, uh... I think she's free to go.
JENN: No, I'm not. He unrolled me.
MULDER: I get three wishes.
MULDER: What would your wish be if you were in my place?
JENN: I'm not you. It doesn't matter.
MULDER: But, I just... you know, I'd like to know.
JENN: I'd... wish that I'd never heard the word "wish" before. I'd wish that I could live my life moment by moment... enjoying it for what it is instead of... instead of worrying about what it isn't. I'd... sit down somewhere with a great cup of coffee and I'd watch the world go by."
MULDER: You know, I think I'm beginning to see the problem here. You say that most people make the wrong wishes, right?
JENN: Without fail. It's like giving a chimpanzee a revolver.
MULDER: What the hell is this?
JENN: It's what you asked for. Peace on earth. Listen.
MULDER: You know damn well that's not what I meant.
JENN: You didn't specify.
MULDER: This has nothing to do with specificity. You don't have to wipe out the entire population of the whole planet just to effect a little peace on earth and goodwill towards men.
JENN: You didn't say goodwill towards men. So you expect me to change the hearts of six billion people? No religion in history has been able to pull that off. Not Allah or Buddha or Christ. But you'd like me to do that in your name? So... what? You can feel real good about yourself?
MULDER: Did I say that? I didn't say that.
JENN: Mm, how grotesquely egotistical of you. I bet you wish you hadn't made your first wish.
MULDER: Yes, I do, since you butchered the intent of that wish so completely. And another thing-- I think you've got a really horrible attitude. I guess that comes from being rolled up in a rug for the last 500 years. But we're not all that stupid. We're not all chimpanzees with revolvers. I think there's another possibility here and that's just that you're a bitch.
JENN: "Whereas, I have one wish left and desire to use it most effectively for the good of all mankind" yadda, yadda, yadda... "Here on this plane of existence..." Hmm... Hmm-hmm. What, are you a lawyer?
MULDER: Well, I have to be with you. I'm going to get this last wish perfect. I'm not going to leave you any loopholes. I'm not going to let you interpret this as an edict to bring back the Third Reich or to make everyone's eyes grow on stalks.
JENN: Oh, geez. And I was so looking forward to that.
SCULLY: Skinner called me, Mulder. Is everything all right?
MULDER: You don't remember disappearing off the face of the earth for about an hour this morning?
MULDER: Well, I guess everything's okay.
MULDER: The trick is to be specific. To make the wish perfect. That way, everyone is going to benefit. It's going to be a safer world, a happier world. There's going to be food for everyone, freedom for everyone, the end of the tyranny of the powerful over the weak. Am I leaving anything out?
SCULLY: It sounds wonderful.
MULDER: Then what's the problem?
SCULLY: Maybe it's the whole point of our lives here, Mulder -- to achieve that. Maybe it's a process that one man shouldn't try and circumvent with a single wish.