The One With The Stoned Guy (115)
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Season 1 Where Monica Gets A New Roomate With The Sonogram At The End With The Thumb With George Stephanoloulos With The East German Laundry Detergent With The Butt With The Blackout Where Nana Dies Twice Where Underdog Gets Away With The Monkey With Mrs.Bing With The Dozen Lasagnes With The Boobies With The Candy Hearts With The Stoned Guy With Two Parts, Part 1 With Two Parts, Part 2 With All The Poker Where The Monkey Gets Away With The Evil Orthodontist With The Fake Monica With The Ick Factor With The Birth Where Rachel Finds Out Season 2 With Ross' New Girlfriend With The Breast Milk Where Heckles Dies With Phoebe's Husband With Five Steaks And An Eggplant With The Baby On The Bus Where Ross Finds Out With The List With Phoebe's Dad With Russ With The Lesbian Wedding After The Superbowl, Part 1 After The Superbowl, Part 2 With The Prom Video Where Ross And Rachel... You Know Where Joey Moves Out Where Eddie Moves In Where Dr.Remore Dies Where Eddie Won't Go Where Old Yeller Dies With The Two Bullies With The Two Parties With The Chickenpox With Barry And Mindy's Wedding Season 3 With The Princess Leia Fantasy Where No-One's Ready With The Jam With The Metaphorical Tunnel With Frank Jnr With The Flashback With The Race Car Bed With The Giant Poking Device With The Football Where Rachel Quits Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister With All The Jealousy Where Monica And Richard Are Friends With Phoebe's Ex-Partner Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break With The Morning After With The Ski Trip With The Hypnosis Tape With The Tiny T-Shirt With The Dollhouse With The Chick and the Duck With The Screamer With Ross's Thing With The Ultimate Fighting Champion At The Beach Season 4 With The Jellyfish With The Cat With The 'Cuffs With The Ballroom Dancing With Joey's New Girlfriend With The Dirty Girl Where Chandler Crosses The Line With Chandler In A Box Where They're Gonna Party! With The Girl From Poughkeepsie With Phoebe's Uterus With The Embryos With Rachel's Crush With Joey's Dirty Day With All The Rugby With The Fake Party With The Free Porn With Rachel's New Dress With All The Haste With All The Wedding Dresses With The Invitation With The Worst Best Man Ever With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II Season 5 After Ross Said Rachel With All The Kissing Hundredth Where Phoebe Hates PBS With All The Kips With The Yeti Where Ross Moves In With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks With Ross's Sandwich With The Inappropriate Sister With All The Resolutions With Chandler's Work Laugh With Joey's Bag Where Everyone Finds Out With The Girl Who Hits Joey With A Cop With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss Where Rachel Smokes Where Ross Can't Flirt With The Ride Along With The Ball With Joey's Big Break In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode) Season 6 After Vegas Where Ross Hugs Rachel With Ross's Denial Where Joey Loses His Insurance With Joey's Porsche With The Last Night Where Phoebe Runs With Ross's Teeth Where Ross Got High With The Routine With The Apothecary Table With The Joke With Rachels Sister Where Chandler Can't Cry That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2) With The Unagi Where Ross Dates A Student With Joey's Fridge With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad Where Paul's The Man With The Ring With The Proposal(Season Finale) With Monica\'s Thunder With Rachel's Book With Phoebe's Cookies With Rachel's Assistant With The Engagement Picture With The Nap Partners With Ross's Library Book Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs With All The Candy With The Holiday Armadilio With All The Cheesecakes Where They're Up All Night Where Rosita Dies Where They All Turn Thirty With Joey's New Brain With The Truth About London With The Cheap Wedding Dress With Joey's Award With Ross and Monica's Cousin With Rachel's Big Kiss With The Vows With Chandler's Dad Season 8 After 'I Do' With The Red Sweater Where Rachel Tells... With The Videotape With Rachel's Date With The Halloween Party |
PHOEBE: Hey guys, guys! Chandler's coming and he says he has, like, this incredible news, so when he gets here, we could all act like, you know...
CHANDLER: So, it's a typical day at work. I'm putting in my numbers, and then big Al calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor. ALL: That's great! CHANDLER: So... I quit. ALL: Why? CHANDLER: Why? This was supposed to be a temp job! MONICA: Uh, Chandler... you've been there for five years. CHANDLER: If I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do. PHOEBE: So was it a lot more money? CHANDLER: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS. RACHEL: ... the WENUS? CHANDLER: Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term. RACHEL: Oh. That WENUS. PHOEBR: Oooh! I have something you can do! I have this new massage client... Steve? Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant and he's looking for a head chef. MONICA: Um... hi there. PHOEBE: Hi! Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so... CHANDLER: Yeah... I just don't have that much cheffing experience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant. MONICA: Yeah, yeah! Well, what kind of food is he looking for? PHOEBE: Well, he wants to do some eclectic, so he's looking for someone who can, you know, create the entire menu. MONICA: Oh my God! PHOEBE: Yeah, I know! Well, what do you think? CHANDLER: Thanks, Phoeb. But I just don't see myself in a big white hat. PHOEBE: OK. Hey Monica! Guess what! CHANDLER: Can you see my nipples through this shirt? RACHEL: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there. CHANDLER: Hey, you guys all know what you want to do. RACHEL: I don't! CHANDLER: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream. ROSS: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech. RACHEL: The meeting with the guy went great? MONICA: So great! He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right. CHANDLER: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears? MONICA: So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. You know, kind of like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which will be great for me because you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' and make yummy noises. RACHEL: What are you going to make? PHOEBE: Yummy noises. RACHEL: And Monica, what are you going to make? MONICA: I don't know. I don't know. It's just going to be so great! PHOEBE: Ooh! I know what you could make! I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the stuff? You know, that thing... with the stuff...? OK, I don't know. ROSS: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood? JOEY: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free. ROSS: OK, ahem, hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma? CHANDLER: Who are you going out with? PHOEBE: Oh, is this the bug lady? RACHEL: Bzzzz... I love you, Ross. ROSS: Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady. She's curator of insects at the museum. RACHEL: So what are you guys going to do? ROSS: Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I might introduce her to my monkey. CHANDLER: And he's not speaking metaphorically. JOEY: I'm telling you, that monkey is a chick magnet! She's going to take one look at his furry, cute little face and it'll seal the deal. MONICA: OK, try this salmon mousse. JOEY: Mmmm. Good. MONICA: Is it better than the other salmon mousse? JOEY: It's creamier. MONICA: Yeah, well, is that better? JOEY: I don't know. We're talking about whipped fish, Monica. I'm just happy I'm keeping it down, y'know? MONICA: Hey, maybe this'll cheer you up. CHANLER: Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I'd better split this with you. MONICA: It's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-appetizer. The French call it an amouz-bouche. CHANDLER: Well... it is amouz-ing... CELIA: Talk to me. ROSS: OK... um, a weird thing happened to me on the train this morning... CELIA: No no no. Talk... dirty. ROSS: Wha... what, here? CELIA: Yes... ROSS: Ah... CELIA: Say something... hot. ROSS: Er... um... CELIA: What? ROSS: Um... uh... vulva. ROSS: Shut up! It was nice. I just... I don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know? JOEY: What's the big deal? You just say what you want to do to her. Or what you want her to do to you. Or what you think other people might be doing to each other. I'll tell you what. Just try something on me. ROSS: Please be kidding. JOEY: You want to see her again, right? ROSS: Sure. JOEY: Well if you can't talk dirty to me, how're you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt! ROSS: Ahem... I want... OK, I want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my lips. JOEY: There you go! Keep going. Keep going! ROSS: I, er... I want to take my tongue... and... and... JOEY: Say it... say it! ROSS: ... run it all over your body until you're... trembling with... with... CHANDLER: ... with? ROSS: Funny story! CHANDLER: It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together. MONICA: Wendy bailed. I have no waitress. RACHEL: Oh... that's too bad. Bye bye. MONICA: Ten dollars an hour. RACHEL: No. MONICA: Twelve dollars an hour. RACHEL: Mon. I wish I could, but I've made plans to walk around. JOEY: So, er... how did it go with Celia? ROSS: Oh, I was unbelievable. JOEY: All right, Ross! ROSS: I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were different characters, plot lines, themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers.
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transcribed by Ruth Curran
52457
