Head Cases (101)

Season 1
Head Cases
Still Crazy After All These Years
Catch and Release
Change of Course
And Eye for an Eye
Truth Be Told
Questionable Characters
Loose Lips
Greater Good
Hired Guns
Schmidt Happens
From Whence We Came
It Girls and Beyond
Till We Meat Again
Tortured Souls
Let Sales Ring
Death Be Not Proud

Season 2
The Black Widow
Finding Nimmo
A Whiff and a Prayer
Men to Boys
Witches of Mass Destruction
Truly Madly, Deeply
Ass Fat Jungle
Legal Deficits
The Cancer Man Can

Beah Toomy: I know it sounds crazy. And I know I'm one of those obnoxious stage mothers. I get that. But Sarah worked hard. I've tried to teach her what you earn, people can't take that away from you. She's earned this, Mr. Shore.

Alan Shore: I have no doubt. But you realize, producers do have discretion. And the art of casting strikes me as a very inexact science.

Beah Toomy: If they knew they were gonna go white, why did they let her try out at all? Why'd they let her get her hopes up? I'll tell you why. So they can pass themselves off as equal opportunity employers. So they can claim to be about diversity. They want it both ways, Mr. Shore. And my daughter got hurt.

Denny Crane: We can't tail the wife.

Lori Colson: That's what he wants, Denny.

Denny Crane: Can't do it. Not ethical. She's a client, too.

Lori Colson: What I would suggest is we send a letter of withdrawal to end-run the conflict. Get an opinion letter of outside counsel...

Denny Crane: I don't want to tail the wife.

Lori Colson: Denny, I don't need to tell you that Ernie Dell is one of our biggest clients. If he wants a private investigator, what's the real harm?

Denny Crane: The harm would be to me.

Lori Colson: I'm sorry?

Denny Crane: I'm the one sleeping with his wife.

Lori Colson: Tara?

Tara Wilson: Hi.

Lori Colson: Don't be offended by this. I know you're a great lawyer with exceptional legal skills.

Tara Wilson: And?

Lori Colson: I need you to flirt with Ernie Dell.

Tara Wilson: Excuse me?

Lori Colson: The man is a profound skirt chaser.

Tara Wilson: What's wrong with your skirt?

Lori Colson: sigh Okay, look. Men sometimes find me attractive. From time to time, they'll even hit on me. It's all deeply rewarding. But you-

Tara Wilson: What me?

Lori Colson: You're hot. Yeah. Kind of... nasty hot. Men would leave their wives for you, and I need to make Ernie forget about his wife so...

Tara Wilson: If you think that I...

Lori Colson: Don't make me pull rank. You can file your sexual harassment claim tomorrow, but today-now-you need to meet with Ernie.

Alan Shore: Denny, I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. I've always prided myself on being... well, nuts. But in this firm, I find myself falling into the sane category.

Denny Crane: You think I'm nuts, do you?

Alan Shore: Are you scared?

Denny Crane: Scared? What would I be scared of?

Alan Shore: Edwin Poole is a friend. To see him just go off the high dive?

Denny Crane: Edwin Poole's problem is he doesn't like being Edwin Poole. From time to time he'd look in the mirror and ask, "What's the point?" I never do that. Questions like that'll kill you.

Alan Shore: Questions like, "What's the point?"

Denny Crane: Look--take you for example. Tomorrow, you're gonna go into court and argue that some little fat black kid should be able to play a little skinny white one. What's the point? You don't ask-that's the point. You gonna win, by the way? The world wants to know.

Alan Shore: I'm afraid not. There's no state action. We've asked for a specific performance with no clear evidence of discrimination. I don't like losing, especially when there's a wager involved.

Denny Crane: Well, don't, soldier. Pull a rabbit out of your hat. Motions with his index finder for Alan Shore to lean closer. Then, conspiratorially That's the secret of both trial law and life.

Alan Shore: Rabbits?

Denny Crane: nods Oh, yeah.

Judge Rita Sharpley: Sarah, that was magnificent. But the other little girl was quite good, too. And given the discretion that has to be allowed to producers in these situations...

Alan Shore: Your Honor, we have something called the Equal Protection Clause, we have something called the 14th Amendment-I believe it's actually required reading for judges. I could be wrong there.

Reverend Al Sharpton: Could I be heard, your Honor? I heard about this matter. I would like to address this court on what I consider...

Judge Rita Sharpley: I'm sorry, Reverend, but you have no standing here.

Reverend Al Sharpton: I have standing as an American citizen speaking up on a civil rights violation.

Judge Rita Sharpley: Reverend Sharpton, I will ask you to step down...

Reverend Al Sharpton: I have standing as Bobby Kennedy had standing,...

Judge Rita Sharpley: You have no standing in this meeting.

Reverend Al Sharpton:... on the steps of the courthouse in Alabama!

Judge Rita Sharpley: No one is denying this little girl an education, sir. She just can't play Annie.

Reverend Al Sharpton: You may think this is a small matter. But this is no small matter. This child is being denied the right to play an American icon because she doesn't match the description. Those descriptions were crafted 50 years ago! We're supposed to be in a different day!

Judge Rita Sharpley: Reverend...

Reverend Al Sharpton: You talk about racial equality, how we're making progress. The problem with that progress is it's always a day away. Tomorrow, tomorrow-you love that!-because it's always a day away. I'm here to stick out my chin today! Today! Give us an African-American Spider Man! Give us a black that can run faster than a speeding bullet and leap over tall buildings in a single bound! Not tomorrow-today! Today! The sun needs to come out today! Not tomorrow, your Honor! God Almighty! Give the American people a black Orphan Annie. It's just not good enough to say she doesn't look the part.

Denny Crane: Don't waste your time trying to get in my head. There's nothing there.

Ernie Dell: I was thinking how right you are not to hire a private investigator. I thank you for your counsel. After all, it's possible that I might learn something that could upset me even further. I hadn't considered that. Did you consider that, Denny?

Denny Crane: Ernie, I don't have time to consider all the things I have to consider.

Ernie Dell: Um, hmm. Can we sit?

Denny Crane: Oh, yeah; please.

Ernie Dell: See, the thing is, fool that I am, I went out and hired a P.I. on my own. And guess what I found out, Denny?

Denny Crane: I'm not sure, Ernie, but you need to know that I'm billing you for all these rhetorical questions.

Ernie Dell: My own lawyer. My friend... with my wife. Gee, Denny Crane is silent. Talk to me about my quest for relevance, Denny. Tell me about my ego. Come up with one last profound thing to say before I pull this trigger. Come on, Denny, talk. I want to hear what the great Denny Crane has to say now.

Denny Crane: First off: Clients come in here all the time wanting to shoot me. You know what I tell them? Go ahead. The worst thing about growing older, Ernie? You begin to slip. One day you wake up and you're "less than." And for me? I'm a legend, Ernie. I'm folklore in this town. Lawyers have feared me for years. For Denny Crane to slip? It would diminish my legacy. It would be a tragedy. Denny Crane has to go out big-page one of the Globe-New York Times, even. Do me a favor, Ernie. Pull the trigger. Immortalize the legend. Pull the trigger. I don't ever want to be "less than." Don't let me become irrelevant. Pull it!

Ernie Dell: Okay. But before I do, don't you at least want to apologize?

Denny Crane: I do. I'm sorry, my friend. I'm truly sorry. Ernie, uh, that gun-I bought it for you. Remember? It's a starter pistol, Ernie.

Denny Crane: Remember that book? One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?

Alan Shore: Yes. Is there a point, or did you just want to know if I'd read it?

Denny Crane: There you go again. Always looking for a point.

Alan Shore: You know, you never answered my question the other night.

Denny Crane: Which was?

Alan Shore: Are you scared?

Denny Crane: The only thing to be scared of, son, is tomorrow. I don't live for tomorrow. Never saw the fun in it.

Alan Shore: Denny Crane.

Denny Crane: What was that?

Alan Shore: Nothing. Here's to no tomorrows.