Truth Be Told (106)

Season 1
Head Cases
Still Crazy After All These Years
Catch and Release
Change of Course
And Eye for an Eye
Truth Be Told
Questionable Characters
Loose Lips
Greater Good
Hired Guns
Schmidt Happens
From Whence We Came
It Girls and Beyond
Till We Meat Again
Tortured Souls
Let Sales Ring
Death By Not Proud

Season 2
The Black Widow
Finding Nimmo
A Whiff and a Prayer
Men to Boys
Witches of Mass Destruction
Truly Madly, Deeply
Ass Fat Jungle
Legal Deficits
The Cancer Man Can

Tara Wilson: Let me see if I understand this. In college, you longed to have sex with her.

Alan Shore: Yes.

Tara Wilson: You ached to feel her naked body pressed up against yours.

Alan Shore: Yes. Well said.

Tara Wilson: And yet, nothing between the two of you ever happened?

Alan Shore: We suffered from bad timing. You're wondering if that's our destiny - yours and mine. Twenty years of unrequited foreplay.

Tara Wilson: Is that what you want?

Alan Shore: Is that what you want?

Paul Lewiston: Mr. Shore, I saw you in the conference room with Jack Fleming. What were you two doing?

Alan Shore: Tai chi, actually.

Paul Lewiston: I hope it is clear to you that it would be an unacceptable conflict of interest for you to represent Jack Fleming in any matter. This firm is extremely close to Mayor Snyder.

Alan Shore: Then this firm should take a shower, don't you think? He is a callous, smug and brutish man who hates the poor and abuses the powerless.

Paul Lewiston: You're not following me. We earn a great deal of money working for the city, due primarily to

Mayor Snyder's good will. One would think that was obvious.

Alan Shore: One would. Well. Now I have to take the case.

Dr. Thomas Lee: Now, I'm going to ask you a series of -

Denny Crane: Denny Crane!

Dr. Thomas Lee: Why did you just say that?

Denny Crane: Well, isn't that how you guys usually begin a mental examination, by determining if the subject knows his own name?

Dr. Thomas Lee: Well, yes.

Denny Crane: Denny Crane.

Dr. Thomas Lee: Got it. And who am I, Dr. Crane?

Denny Crane: You are Dr. Thomas H. Lee, neurologist.

Dr. Thomas Lee: Good. Can you tell me what day of the week this is?

Denny Crane: Monday. And a particularly crisp and beautiful one, too, I might add.

Dr. Thomas Lee: Good. And who is the current president of the United States?

Denny Crane: That would be Ernest Borgnine. Ah. I'll bet you get lunatics in here every day that - that say that stuff for real, right? The current president of the United States is George Walker Bush, son to George Herbert Walker Bush, whose father was the late United States Senator Prescott Bush, who, as an undergraduate at Yale, once wrestled my father in the nude. But that's a story for another day. Let's stick to the issues at hand. Denny Crane.

Male Attorney: And then what happened, Mr. Shrum?

Mark Shrum: Well, when I couldn't get the Pop Tart out of the toaster, I unplugged it. And then I jammed a fork down the slot, and I guess I must've jiggered it around pretty good because -

Sally Heep: Give us a moment, please. Mark, what did I tell you about volunteering extraneous information?

Mark Shrum: Not to.

Sally Heep: Right. This is a deposition. You answer the questions truthfully but never volunteer anything. So don't add stuff like "jiggering forks around pretty good." Just answer every question with as few words as possible.

Mark Shrum: Got it. Sorry.

Male Attorney: All right, Mr. Shrum, when you repeatedly manipulated the fork around in the toaster slot, and then received an electrical shock and second degree burns, whose fault would you say that was?

Mark Shrum: Mine? I can't answer any shorter. That was one word.

Paul Lewiston: Denny, you are theoretically our foremost rainmaker, but you haven't brought in a new sevenfigure client in two years. You haven't filed a class action in five years. Care to guess how much Lisby, DeRusen and Floren billed as lead counsel in the tobacco class action? 127 million. It's raining cash out there, Denny. We're not getting wet.

Tara Wilson: Was that man threatening you again?

Alan Shore: Yes. It seems to be his job description.

Sally Heep: I was wondering if you could help me with this product liability issue. Never mind.

Alan Shore: No, please. I'm all yours.

Sally Heep: Hardly.

Samantha Fleming: You really don't like him. Is that why you made that joke in your conference room when you-

Alan Shore: When I said not a day in college went by that I didn't long to sleep with you?

Samantha Fleming: Yeah.

Alan Shore: It wasn't a joke. I had a place all picked out back then. A motel out on Route 9. The Aloha Inn.

Samantha Fleming: Oh.

Alan Shore: I thought you might appreciate the tropical ambience.

Samantha Fleming: I'm imagining a lot of rattan and plastic orchids.

Alan Shore: There's a neon sign out fron that blinks "Aloha" in orange, then "Inn" in pink, then the hula girl's skirt in green, over and over and over.

Samantha Fleming: Sounds lush.

Alan Shore: And all night long, the rooms are flooded with the glow of that neon. And I always wondered how you would look naked in all that pink, green and orange.

Paul Lewiston: Denny, I'm worried about you. You're speaking French to the messangers. You got crossword puzzles spread out all over the conference table. You walk into reception, hijack one of Sally Heep's clients - actually have a meeting with him in your office! Did you even know what his case was about?

Denny Crane: I took that test the other day. The one where they ask you a bunch of questions to see if you've turned into an imbecile. Then they do a scan of your brain. You know what they found out? That I have a lot of blue and yellow and red stuff colliding up there. The damn M.R.I. photo looks like a hurricane. I don't remember what was the good color and what was the bad color, but the point is this. They discovered that I remember some things, and I forget others. And that's the way it's gonna be. You wanna know what that man's case is all about? He stuck a fork in a toaster. It's a little pissant lawsuit. But I remember what you said the other day.

Paul Lewiston: What was that?

Denny Paul: Seriously, Paul. You have to have that test. You said that we weren't filing enough class action suits. That we were missing out on a gold shower.

Paul Lewiston: I - I believe I said a money shower.

Denny Crane: I heard the fact pattern of the Sally Heep case. I was able to persuade Mr. Shrum that there was a greater good to be achieved. And, long story short, happily, the toaster company was open to my argument.

Paul Lewiston: What argument?

Denny Crane: That an attorney like Denny Crane, with extensive class action experience, could easily turn Mr. Shrum's case into a lucrative opportunity. On the other hand, if they were to give Denny Crane their on-going legal business, augmenting the fine work done by the in-house cousel, then Denny Crane would be unavailable to represent Mr. Shrum, who incidentally is going to receive $50,000 from the company as a goodwill gesture. So don't you worry too much, Paul, about Denny Crane.