Till We Meat Again (114)

Season 1
Head Cases
Still Crazy After All These Years
Catch and Release
Change of Course
And Eye for an Eye
Truth Be Told
Questionable Characters
Loose Lips
Greater Good
Hired Guns
Schmidt Happens
From Whence We Came
It Girls and Beyond
Till We Meat Again
Tortured Souls
Let Sales Ring
Death By Not Proud

Season 2
The Black Widow
Finding Nimmo
A Whiff and a Prayer
Men to Boys
Witches of Mass Destruction
Truly Madly, Deeply
Ass Fat Jungle
Legal Deficits
The Cancer Man Can

Alan Shore: When a man turns 40, he begins to take measure of himself. I must admit I don't like what I see.

Tara Wilson: You're turning 43.

Alan Shore: If you don't mind, I'm trying to appear vulnerable to facilitate my snorkeling up your thighbone later.

Tara Wilson: Alan? You boyfriend. Me girlfriend. You have a season's pass.

Catherine Piper: Alan? Wonderful news. The Kerwin deposition has been canceled. You don't have to go. Your morning is now free. Which works out, because it seems these two police officers are here to arrest you.

Denny Crane: How can you ban read meat?

Dominick Ryan: Well, they got a whole campaign. They're gonna go with it. They plan to promote Summersport as the Seafood Capital of the world!

Denny Crane: We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, the first thing they did was eat a few Indians.

Dominick Ryan: Is there anything we can do?

Shirley Schmidt: We'll get an immediate TRO.

Denny Crane: I'll argue it myself. Ban read meat! That cannot pass constitutional mustard.

Shirley Schmidt: The word is muster, Denny, but, you're right the law lacks condiments.

Shirley Schmidt: What are you doing?

Denny Crane: I know this judge. I know where his buttons are.

Shirley Schmidt: Research shows, Denny, it's not wise to antagonize the people whose favor you're trying to court.

Denny Crane: Oh, come on, Shirley. You still antagonize me, and we both know what's really going on don't we?

Shirley Schmidt: You sweet man. It's been a long time since you hit my button. I doubt you'd even know where to find it.

Denny Crane: Pop goes the weasel. How are you?. Denny Crane. Still cuckoo for Coco Puffs. Who's your daddy? Denny Crane. Pop goes the weasel.

Shirley Schmidt: How many people in this country have been afflicted with the human strain of Mad Cow disease?

Mayor George Bostwick: I don't plan to…

Shirley Schmidt: To wait. Yes. How many?

Mayor George Bostwick: We don't know.

Shirley Schmidt: There have been no confirmed cases.

Mayor George Bostwick: According to some scientists, many people we think have Alzheimer's could in fact be sick from Mad Cow disease.

Shirley Schmidt: Are you a scientist sir?

Mayor George Bostwick:: No.

Shirley Schmidt: Before you became mayor, what was your occupation?

Mayor George Bostwick:: I owned auto dealerships.

Shirley Schmidt: You were a car salesman? Given that 3 million people are killed or injured on our roads every year, do you also plan to ban automobiles?

Mayor George Bostwick: No.

Shirley Schmidt: What about Salmonella? Any plans to criminalize chickens?

Mayor George Bostwick:: People don't die from chickens or…

Shirley Schmidt: What about mercury in fish?

Mayor George Bostwick: It's a concern. But again, I made a judgment as mayor and the selectmen concurred that the dangers of beef…

Shirley Schmidt: Have you any personal political ambitions beyond that of being mayor of Summersport?

Mayor George Bostwick: I'm not trying to get headlines, if that's what you're saying?

Shirley Schmidt: I didn't say that, but… funny you did.

Denny Crane: You would agree, Mr Mayor that by an large, vegetarians are communists?

Mayor George Bostwick: I certainly would not.

Denny Crane: We're at war, Mr Bostwick. Think we can win that war if we suddenly say to our soldiers no more meat? Think a nation of fish-eaters can protect the world you wimp?

Attorney Timothy Simms: Objection?

Denny Crane: Withdrawn. Nothing further.

Mayor George Bostwick: Wimp?

Shirley Schmidt: What the hell are you doing?

Denny Crane: Don't bother with the merits, Shirley. This case, it's all about the judge.

Paul Lewiston: You were involved in a bar altercation last night.

Alan Shore: Altercation? I think not. It was a brawl.

Paul Lewiston: And you were arrested?

Alan Shore: I was. Trial starts tomorrow actually. Can I count on you as a character witness?

Paul Lewiston: Who's defending you?

Alan Shore: I'm representing myself. With Tara's assistance.

Paul Lewiston: There's not opportunity to plead this out?

Alan Shore: Only if I plead guilty, which is of course, unacceptable. I have to worry about a three strikes law since I plan to commit future crimes.

Shirley Schmidt: Denny?

Denny Crane: Hmm?

Shirley Schmidt: I'm getting my ass kicked here.

Denny Crane: I can see that.

Shirley Schmidt: Any suggestions?

Denny Crane: How old are you, sir?

Dr Raymond Young: 46.

Denny Crane: I'm 72. I can mop the floor with you. You know why? I eat meat. Makes me strong. Builds up my immune system, fights off a whole bunch of other diseases I might have had if I weren't so strong. Red meat saves lives, maybe. Ever think about that?

Dr Raymond Young: I'm sorry but there's no real evidence to support that opinion.

Denny Crane: Oh. Sorry. Any hard evidence to support yours?

Denny Crane: I'll tell you this one more time. Play the judge! The man lives with his mother, he wears lifts. The buzz word is nansy pansy.

Shirley Schmidt: I beg your pardon?

Denny Crane: Nansy. Pansy. He doesn't wanna fall on that side of the fence. It's even worse than namby, pamby.

Shirley Schmidt: What are you talking about?

Denny Crane: Trust me, Shirley. For once, can you do that?

Shirley Schmidt: Nansy. Pansy.

Tara Wilson: I was hugely embarrassed by what happened at the bar. Not to mention terrified. I could have been injured. Did that ever occur to you? I mean it would have been one thing had you had any Neanderthal reaction and swung back! But your response was considered! You reflectively, calmly, orchestrated your violence. People could have been hurt. I could have been hurt. But you've not once considered that, because contrary to the rumor that you are the center of the universe, clearly you are the universe. And I for one am getting sick of it.

Shirley Schmidt: Alan Shore's a good lawyer, Paul. If we fire him it does leave a hole.

Paul Lewiston: I am certainly mindful of that, but how far do we let him push us? He has done this at every firm he has worked for. He defies them to the point…, his last firm sued him.

Shirley Schmidt: Yes! And he went on, they didn't.

Shirley Schmidt: What do you know about that cow in Washington State? I am about to suffer an embarrassing defeat in court. I need to show that what happened in Washington was an isolated… What?

Chelina Hall: Don't go near the Washington case. It's possible; it wasn't even a downer cow.

Shirley Schmidt: What do you mean downer cow?

Chelina Hall: Basically it means that the cow fell down. We're told that the mad cows are easy to spot because they stumble and fall. We were told that this cow fell. But eye witnesses in Washington say the cow was walking, and was tested only as a fluke.

Shirley Schmidt: Which means…?

Chelina Hall: While we're being told that the sick cows show easily detectable symptoms…

Shirley Schmidt: …they sometimes don't and therefore go undetected.

Chelina Hall: Stay away from the Washington case.

Shirley Schmidt: We had an expression in this country years ago called, 'Where's the beef?' Translation? Where's the substance? Your Honor, do you know anybody who's been victimized by Mad Cow disease? Know anybody who knows anybody? Know anybody, who knows anybody, who knows anybody? There's simply not a shred of evidence to suggest that a single person in this country has ever become ill from a mad cow. But… why wait? That's the mayor's shingle. Why? Wait? Because this man and others like him, have sacrificed their lives and their livelihoods building their restaurants. Maybe as a courtesy, we could wait for a scintilla of evidence before arbitrarily destroying their businesses. The fact is the USDA has done an exemplary job conducting tests and establishing safeguards to prevent the outbreak of Mad Cow disease. Which is probably why, it hasn't broken out. But we could give into our fear and panic, baseless panic, but that would make us… a nation of nansy, pansy's. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be a nansy, pansy.

Alan Shore: I've been accused of reflectively, perhaps even glibly, orchestrating a little revenge. Well, I guess that's how I wanted it to look. A man punched me in the face, in front of my girlfriend, and while my instinct was to hit him back, the truth is, I was afraid. I was fearful, that if I retaliated he would beat me up. So I got somebody else to do my fighting, then things got out of hand, and… well… I had to send more and more troops to a war that should have ended quickly. But, make no mistake, my reaction that night was not so much reflective, as it was, primal. A man hit me, and while we like to think of ourselves as being evolved… maybe I should have just hit him. There's a warrior that lies within the belly of every man, a warrior who, in my case, has always gone unsatisfied. I tried to satisfy it, but without pain. That's what the craven do sometimes. They stand out of the fray, thump their egos along with their chests, and let others do the fighting.

Shirley Schmidt: Well, Denny, I admit I had my doubts, but you won this case. Thank you.

Denny Crane: Does this mean we're having sex tonight?

Shirley Schmidt: Allow me the dream a little longer.

Denny Crane: I won the day. I deserve to be rewarded.

Shirley Schmidt: I'll give you this. Denny, Dennyyy, Dennyyy Craaane!

Denny Crane: Whoa.

Foreperson: Commonwealth versus Alan Shore, on the count of conspiracy to committee aggravated assault, we find the defendant, Alan Shore, not guilty.

Alan Shore: We appeal, Judge.