Schmidt Happens (111)

Season 1
Head Cases
Still Crazy After All These Years
Catch and Release
Change of Course
And Eye for an Eye
Truth Be Told
Questionable Characters
Loose Lips
Greater Good
Hired Guns
Schmidt Happens
From Whence We Came
It Girls and Beyond
Till We Meat Again
Tortured Souls
Let Sales Ring
Death Be Not Proud

Season 2
The Black Widow
Finding Nimmo
A Whiff and a Prayer
Men to Boys
Witches of Mass Destruction
Truly Madly, Deeply
Ass Fat Jungle
Legal Deficits
The Cancer Man Can

Shirley Schmidt: Who the hell are you?

Alan Shore: It's not who, so much as what. This is a men's room. What's your name, fella?

Shirley Schmidt: I'm Shirley Schmidt. Pardon the intrusion, but one of our assistants is suing us under Title 9 - claiming, among other things, the men have better fixtures.

Alan Shore: So, you're Shirley Schmidt of Crane, Poole and...

Shirley Schmidt: Schmidt.

Alan Shore: Alan Shore. It's a pleasure.

Shirley Schmidt: Surely, you intend to wash that first.

Alan Shore: I keep an extremely clean penis.

Shirley Schmidt: I know all about you.

Alan Shore: And I, you. There's much written in stall number 2. I pictured you younger. Much.

Shirley Schmidt: A smart attorney recognizes who he can or cannot rattle.

Alan Shore: He also knows a good rattle when he sees one.

Shirley Schmidt: Since I'm your boss, I can't return your sexual banter, but I will say for the record that if I were looking for a rattle, he would be taller, he would be better-looking, he would be more evolved than a junior in high school.

Alan Shore: I prefer the juniors in high school.

Shirley Schmidt: He would be something other than a self-loathing narcissist with a dwarf fetish, and, yes, judging from what I got a glimpse of in the mirror when I first entered the room, he would be bigger. Much.

Alan Shore: My, my, my.

Lori Colson: She's been in the New York office the last 3 years. Rumor has it, Lewiston called her back to get things into shape.

Sally Heep: What things?

Lori Colson: Us things. Litigation has been under-performing, Sally. Plus our image around town is becoming that of...

Denny Crane: Denny Crane.

Lori Colson: Exactly.

Denny Crane: I do not want Shirley Schmidt in this building.

Brad Chase: Denny, she's a named partner. You can't exactly ban her presence.

Denny Crane: I'm gonna tell you something I haven't told anybody. I once had a torrid - torrid - affair with that woman.

Brad Chase: First, everybody knows that...

Shirley Schmidt: And second, the word would be "horrid."

Denny Crane: Shirley, this firm isn't big enough for the two of us.

Shirley Schmidt: I agree. It would be best if we could be in different cities, but it's our differences, ironically, that call for me to be here now.

Denny Crane: What differences, specifically?

Shirley Schmidt: Well, for starters, I still know how to practice law. I don't have to go around saying my name out loud in order to remember it.

Denny Crane: I don't want you here.

Shirley Schmidt: Is it... because... you still desire me?

Denny Crane: Ha. I'm over my wrinkle fetish. You don't arouse me, Shirley.

Shirley Schmidt: Oh, please. All I have to do is say those two combustible little words. Denny Crane.

Denny Crane: She's still hot.

Nora Jacobs: Alan, there's a guy on the phone. He isn't a client. He picked us out of the Yellow Pages. He said he's committed a crime, and he needs to speak to a lawyer.

Alan Shore: We advertise in the Yellow Pages?

John Zenawi: nods I was born in Sudan. My father transferred to the States when I was five. I've lived here since. Most of my extended family remains in Sudan. One of my cousins was murdered there last week.

Lori Colson: I'm very sorry.

John Zenawi: It was the 11th family member to have been killed. I can't begin to describe the sense of futility I feel. I need to do something, Miss Colson. I've been fortunate to have made a lot of money and I can no longer sit passively. So, as preposterous as it may sound, and as expensive as it may be, I want to sue the government.

Lori Colson: Well, our courts wouldn't have jurisdiction over the Sudanese government. I'm sure Paul told you that.

Paul Lewiston: He's not looking to sue the Sudanese government.

John Zenawi: I want to go after the United States.

Lori Colson: On what grounds?

John Zenawi: That is what I need you to tell me.

Paul Lewiston: Typically, Lori, whenever there's a case that can't be brought, I run it by you. You call me insane, among other things more colorful, you exit the room, then return the next day with a crazy idea. We need that idea, Lori.

Alan Shore: I thought you said she was dead.

Bernard Ferrion: She is. I checked her pulse.

Alan Shore: Sometimes, the air remaining inside the body escapes, causing... You need not call the police, Mr. Ferrion. Call for an ambulance. Mother is still alive. Would you like to hit her again?

Bernard Ferrion: It's not that I am not relieved. I am. I certainly do love her. But what if she tells?

Alan Shore: Perhaps you should've used a bigger frying pan.

Lori Colson: I have a crazy idea.

Paul Lewiston: Already?

Lori Colson: Mm, hmm. In tort law, you see a guy lying on the side of the street, you have no obligation to pull over and help. But if you do pull over, you incur a duty to complete that rescue, the theory being other wouldbe rescuers pass by thinking help is already on the scene.

Paul Lewiston: And?

Lori Colson: The United States has declared a war on terrorism. We've talked the talk when it comes to Sudan. We've even given financial aid. Our theory of law would be analogous-other countries have stayed out, thinking America is stepping in when we're not.

Paul Lewiston: It's not a winner.

Lori Colson: But perhaps colorable enough to sue and make noise.

Paul Lewiston: Go draft the complaint.

Lori Colson: And?

Paul Lewiston: Thank you.

Shirley Schmidt: Lori Colson. You slut.

Lori Colson: How are you, Shirley?

Shirley Schmidt: Old. Rich. You look great.

Lori Colson: Thanks

Shirley Schmidt: So, who are we sleeping with?

Lori Colson: Ah, usual suspects. You back for good?

Shirley Schmidt: Just for bad. Want to grab a beer later and do a little debriefing?

Lori Colson: Love it. You look awesome, by the way.

Shirley Schmidt: I know.

Detective Willett: How is it exactly you came to be here, Mr. Shore?

Alan Shore: I drove.

Paul Lewiston: You weren't expecting them to throw a parade for you, were you?

Shirley Schmidt: No. But if I get too much resistance, I assume I'm permitted to bring my big broom out of the closet.

Alan Shore: Is that how you get around? On your big broom?

Paul Lewiston: Shirley, this is Alan Shore.

Shirley Schmidt: We've met.

Alan Shore: Yes. Shirley was in the men's room earlier.

Shirley Schmidt: Inspecting his fixtures. I'm a micromanager.

Bernard Ferrion: She's vegetative. The doctors think it's 50-50 if she'll come out of it. In the meantime, and, uh, I say this with a heavy heart...

Alan Shore: Of course.

Bernard Ferrion: My mother used to be a Christian Scientist, as did I. She hasn't been one for years. But I... I let it slip out to the doctors that she recently rededicated herself to the faith. And they made inquiries as to her position on medical treatment. I really don't think she would want to be on a respirator, as much as it pains me to admit.

Alan Shore: You let it slip out that your mother is a born-again Christian Scientist? May I ask, did your mother rededicate herself to Christian Science before or after you hit her on the head with the skillet?

Bernard Ferrion: I don't appreciate that question.

Alan Shore: What are you asking me for, Bernie?

Bernard Ferrion: Again, as much as it pains me, I'd like you to safeguard her religious freedom.

Lori Colson: We filed last night. U.S. Attorney's office didn't waste any time. They brought a 12-B-6.

Paul Lewiston: Sovereign immunity.

Lori Colson: This may be our one day in court.

Paul Lewiston: And, therefore, our one day to make noise.

Lori Colson: We've put out a release. There should be media in the room. Can you join for the motion? I'd like to make a big showing.

Paul Lewiston: Should we get Denny?

Lori Colson: Uh, maybe not that big.

Paul Lewiston: It'll help to have him at the table. Shirley, I want you to think back and tell me-who is the best attorney you have ever seen in court?

Shirley Schmidt: Me.

Paul Lewiston: We need to survive a 12-B-6 on a pretty untenable claim. How would you feel about joining us for oral arguments?

Shirley Schmidt: What's the claim?

Paul Lewiston: We're suing the United States government for the genocide that's taking place in Sudan.

Shirley Schmidt: What's so untenable about that?

Paul Lewiston: This is why I love her. Alan, we're making a show of force in a high profile matter. Could we trouble you to join us for a motion this morning?

Alan Shore: I'd love to. But, see, I have a client who hit his mother on the head with a skillet. We're trying to take her off life support, and the police have brought some nuisance action to try to keep her breathing, buggers that they are. By the way, my fixtures remain available for further inspection. Paul?

Lori Colson: He's funny.

Paul Lewiston: Denny, may we borrow your prowess for a motion this morning?

Denny Crane: Why did you bring Shirley Schmidt back here?

Paul Lewiston: Because we need her.

Denny Crane: Well, then go borrow her prowess. It's a betrayal. Calling her back here says I'm not enough. Can you get that?

Paul Lewiston: I can.

Denny Crane: Then why did you do it?

Paul Lewiston: You're not enough.

Denny Crane: I still matter, my friend.

Paul Lewiston: Yes, you do, which is why I asked you to be present for this motion.

Denny Crane: There's another problem you don't even know about.

Paul Lewiston: Which is?

Denny Crane: That woman. She's hot for me.

D.A. Valerie Murrow: This woman has forsaken Christian Science. We have no assurance...

Alan Shore: According to her son, she's recommitted herself...

D.A. Valerie Murrow: A son who might be a suspect if we determine there was foul play. We're dealing with a potential homicide.

Alan Shore: Well, if the goal is to charge homicide, it makes little sense to keep the victim alive. I could be wrong.

D.A. Valerie Murrow: I object to this smugness, your Honor. A human life is at stake here.

Alan Shore: The family of Della Ferrion is here today, saying it is her wish not to be kept alive on a respirator.

D.A. Valerie Murrow: And it is simply way too early to make that call. She could recover. The suggestion that-

Alan Shore: The issue isn't recovery. It's religious freedom, which is sacred in this country-unless, of course, you're Muslim.

Judge Blake Winters: I'm gonna have to cut you both off. We've just received word from the hospital. Mrs. Ferrion has evidently regained consciousness.

Alan Shore: Excellent.

Reporter: Could you answer a question, sir?

Paul Lewiston: No comment. We have no comment at this time. We'll be making a comment after the motion.

Denny Crane: I eat Cocoa Puffs. Denny Crane. Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Denny Crane.

Shirley Schmidt: We know this lawsuit is a bit of a stretch.

Judge Linda O'Keefe: Hmm. You understate it.

Shirley Schmidt: But the truth is, our country puts it out there. "We will root out terrorism wherever it thrives." We elect our presidents on that theme. We go to war over it. Wherever oppression abounds, we get involved. It's almost become a motto. No one here denies an ethnic genocide is taking place in Sudan. Arab militia are wiping out the black population of Darfur. Am I boring you?

Judge Linda O'Keefe: Miss Schmidt. The court recognizes the atrocity. Why should the United States be held liable?

Shirley Schmidt: Well, if we're not going to do anything about it, maybe we should just say so. Lord knows, the world will understand. We've certainly got our hands full. But when our leaders do their bipartisan puffing, saying the genocide must end, other countries think we're going to do something. They then stay out of it, and, in the end, nothing gets done, while millions of people are being persecuted. Maybe as a compromise, we could just get the U.S. government to declare for the record, "Hey, not our problem." That way, the world would be on notice-somebody else should play hero. I could try to sell that to my client.

Judge Linda O'Keefe: Mr. Joyner?

U.S. Attorney Joyner: The United States' response to an ethnic genocide is certainly not going to be, "Hey, not our problem."

Shirley Schmidt: See? This is how other countries get confused.

Shirley Schmidt: Denny, you and I go way back. I know you. Your aversion to my return has nothing to do with politics. Can we talk about it?

Denny Crane: You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary!

Shirley Schmidt: It was the Secretary of Defense.

Denny Crane: Doesn't matter. I have an image. One could even say I'm all image.

Shirley Schmidt: One could. Imagine the fun working together again.

Denny Crane: It won't be fun. There's only room for one at the mountaintop. It's my mountain.

Judge Linda O'Keefe: To be honest, I might have a hard time finding Sudan on a map. I certainly know they've got big problems. Innocent people murdered every day, systemic rape, many of them children. It's the worst humanitarian crisis in the world.

Shirley Schmidt: Please don't say "but."

Judge Linda O'Keefe: But, why does every crisis automatically fall to the United States to solve? We've got Iraq, Iran, North Korea-and these are people who might murder us. We're supposed to tend to a bunch of Africans killing each other? Why? Because we're Americans? The answer is... yes. Because we're Americans. Because we're a nation-perhaps the nation-that's supposed to give a damn. What's going on is an organized extermination of an entire race of people. We're the country that's supposed to give a damn. Miss Schmidt, Miss Colson, your claim here most likely won't survive summary judgment. And maybe the American people don't care about what's happening over there, but for today, here, now-at least one federal court judge does. Defendant's motion to dismiss-denied.

Bailiff: 32611: Commonwealth versus Ferrion. Charge of murder in the first.

Alan Shore: Alan Shore appearing for the defendant. We'll waive reading. I'd ask that my client be released on his own recognizance.

D.A. Bret Haber: Opposed. The man is charged with homicide. Bail would certainly...

Alan Shore: He has no record, your Honor.

D.A. Bret Haber: He would be a threat to society.

Alan Shore: Nonsense. He only kills mothers - allegedly - and he's fresh out of them.

Lori Colson: I see our little case is getting play. You think it could actually make a difference?

Shirley Schmidt: I remember reading when the press went to Bosnia people rejoiced at the sight of American media. They figured if word got out, something would be done. Murders and rapes would stop. They waited, and they waited, and nobody came.

Lori Colson: Maybe we need Sudan to attack us. We might fall short as humanitarians, but we're pretty good avengers.

Shirley Schmidt: If you don't mind, I'll cling to the idea we're still pretty decent humanitarians.

Lori Colson: What's that?

Shirley Schmidt: I don't know. I thought it was from you. I was waiting to open it.

Lori Colson: Mm, mm. It's not from me.

Shirley Schmidt: "Objects in mirror are bigger than they appear."

Lori Colson: He's funny.

Shirley Schmidt: He's also trouble, isn't he?

Denny Crane: She's big trouble.

Alan Shore: Did she break your heart?

Denny Crane: She might've. So what? I've had my heart broken lots of times. It stings for a minute.

Alan Shore: I would think it would be fun to have her back. I don't know about you, but when I travel, going to new places isn't always as interesting as revisiting some of the old ones. What is it that has you so balled up?

Denny Crane: She isn't slipping, that's what.

Alan Shore: You're worried about her seeing you age?

Denny Crane: You might not believe this, but I was once a very remarkable man.

Alan Shore: Denny. Denny, you're a remarkable man.

Denny Crane: Between you and me, that woman is too much for me.

Alan Shore: Between you and me, we'll take her.

Denny Crane: I'd like that. I'd like that.