Truly Madly, Deeply (207)

Season 1
Head Cases
Still Crazy After All These Years
Catch and Release
Change of Course
And Eye for an Eye
Truth Be Told
Questionable Characters
Loose Lips
Greater Good
Hired Guns
Schmidt Happens
From Whence We Came
It Girls and Beyond
Till We Meat Again
Tortured Souls
Let Sales Ring
Death By Not Proud

Season 2
The Black Widow
Finding Nimmo
A Whiff and a Prayer
Men to Boys
Witches of Mass Destruction
Truly Madly, Deeply
Ass Fat Jungle
Legal Deficits
The Cancer Man Can

Dwight Biddle: I strayed.

Shirley Schmidt: You? Well, I, I, I can't pretend I'm not shocked. Even so, infidelity isn't grounds for annulment. There's something you're not telling me.

Dwight Biddle: I strayed with Wendy. You've met Wendy

Shirley Schmidt: Wendy. Your cow?

Judge Harvey Cooper: Mr Crane, you've been assigned to represent one of our Indigent defendants, thank you for coming in.

Denny Crane: No can do Judge.

Judge Harvey Cooper: I beg your pardon?

Denny Crane: Indigent are poor. I hate the poor. Can't pay you.

Judge Harvey Cooper: Mr Crane this isn't a request its court order. Unless you think the senior partners are exempt from civic duty?

Denny Crane: Was it a hooker? I can do hookers.

Judge Harvey Cooper: It's a murder case. Your client's right there.

Denny Crane: Defense pleads guilty. We accept the District Attorney's recommendation for sentencing. Denny Crane.

Alan Shore: May I help you ladies?

First person waiting: We're here for the assistant's position.

Alan Shore: Hmm. Congratulations! You're hired. Thank you all. Let's go inside.

Brad Chase: Alan! You can't just do that. You have to at least interview.

Alan Shore: Why? I have a very strong feeling about this one. Can you type?

Melissa: Some

Alan Shore: See?

Melissa: Excuse me? Could I steal Alan for one second?

Alan Shore: We're in a meeting Melissa.

Melissa: Oh! Yeah. It's just, just, I started thinking I think the high of getting the job kind of… It just hit me, the criterion on which I was hired, and that I am hired I just thought that I should be clear. I will not be objectified, I will not be ogled, if I am, I write you up. No touching, no double entendres, no comments on what I'm wearing, if I get any of that I write you up. I am your assistant not your subordinate, if you cross that line I write you up. Follow the rules, we should, we should get along fine.

Brad Chase: I told you to interview.

Alan Shore: If you wanna cross-examine him Brad, you do it.

Brad Chase: What's going on?

Alan Shore: Nobody ever said he'd be in costume. I'm afraid of clowns.

Judge Harvey Cooper: You can stop trying to get yourself off the case, counsel. That isn't gonna happen.

Denny Crane: Look, Judge. I can't defend a man who raped and murdered a thirteen-year-old girl.

Judge Harvey Cooper: Somebody's gotta do it.

Denny Crane: Why me?

Judge Harvey Cooper: Because I said so.

Denny Crane: Which brings me to my second issue.

Judge Harvey Cooper: Which is?

Denny Crane: You're a douche-bag. I don't do well with douche-bags.

Denny Crane: Hell, Alan. I'm old and I'm not going to spend what time I have left, not even a day, defending child-rapist-killers. I'd rather go to jail myself. I hear you're afraid of clowns.

Alan Shore: First time in my professional career I actually froze.

Denny Crane: What happened?

Alan Shore: When I was three years old my mother put some decorative, hideous clown face in my room. It so terrified me I'd wet my bed too afraid to pass him on the way to the bathroom. When I was eight, I was again terrorized by a clown at a parade, the very same face. I wet myself right there on the street. And today, the same face, again! I didn't dare get up for fear I'd leave a puddle right in the courtroom.

Larry King: Welcome back to Larry King live, and with me now is Denny Crane the legendary Boston attorney who, just yesterday, apparently opened fire on his own client!

Denny Crane: It was self-defense.

Larry King: You're kidding. Self-defense? You're not really asking people to believe that?

Denny Crane: Larry. It's a crime to shoot people. Even child-raping, murdering, schmucks! Like my client was and still is.

Larry King: Okay. But, clearly you're not saying if a defendant is repugnant enough? Fair game? You're entitled as a criminal defense attorney to shoot someone? No, no, no. Come on.

Denny Crane: It was self-defense. Even if I did simply choose to shoot him which I didn't because it's against the law? So what?

Larry King: So what?

Denny Crane: Larry. You know what the real problem is? Too many criminals get away with it. We got hundreds of thousands of unsolved murders in this country.

Larry King: So what you're saying is, "It's okay for defense lawyers to take the law into their own hands."?

Denny Crane: No! Come on. You know what's gonna happen to this child-rapist, murdering, scum? Ashcroft, God bless him, he's gonna swoop in and he's gonna transfer this case to the federal court so we can impose the death penalty.

Larry King: Denny, Ashcroft is no longer the Attorney General.

Denny Crane: Well. Well then, the Spanish guy. Even better. My client's gonna get the death penalty, bad knees and all, because he deserves it. Then all the bleeding liberals and all of Hollywood will come running to defend him. Make him a cause celeb. But who's crying for the thirteen year old girl? The problem with the criminal justice system is the criminals have more rights, they get more attention, they get more sympathy than the victims! It's disgusting, Larry. It's, it's, aaah. It's disgusting...

Alan Shore: What would you do as mayor Denny, really?

Denny Crane: Oh, I don't know. I'd attack Rhode Island. Small. What was the word you used to describe me on the show tonight?

Alan Shore: Inimitable.

Denny Crane: That's it. That's the kind of mayor I'd be. Inimitable. It's fun being me. Is it fun being you?

Alan Shore: Most of the time yes, actually.

Denny Crane: Well, what else is there?

Alan Shore: Indeed.