A Whiff and a Prayer (204)

Season 1
Head Cases
Still Crazy After All These Years
Catch and Release
Change of Course
And Eye for an Eye
Truth Be Told
Questionable Characters
Loose Lips
Greater Good
Hired Guns
Schmidt Happens
From Whence We Came
It Girls and Beyond
Till We Meat Again
Tortured Souls
Let Sales Ring
Death By Not Proud

Season 2
The Black Widow
Finding Nimmo
A Whiff and a Prayer
Men to Boys
Witches of Mass Destruction
Truly Madly, Deeply
Ass Fat Jungle
Legal Deficits
The Cancer Man Can

Congressman Raymond Jacobs: I want Denny Crane.

Paul Lewiston: Ah. You don't want Denny Crane. Denise is one of our top…

Congressman Raymond Jacobs: I'm entitled to the top. Is there a reason I'm not getting Denny?

Paul Lewiston: Denny… Denny has… ah…

Shirley Schmidt: Mad Cow disease.

Congressman Raymond Jacobs: You handled my first divorce fifteen years ago.

Denny Crane: Oh.

Congressman Raymond Jacobs: My wife's name was Lois.

Denny Crane: I remember.

Congressman Raymond Jacobs: Why wouldn't you? You slept with her.

Denny Crane: Only after the divorce was final.

Congressman Raymond Jacobs: May I ask Denny? How do you feel about gun control?

Denny Crane: For communists.

Congressman Raymond Jacobs: What about banning assault weapons to the private sector?

Denny Crane: As soon as you say its okay to ban assault weapons my friend even in the private sector you make it easy to take guns away from hunting and personal protection. Soon the military and the police are without firearms.

Shirley Schmidt: By banning assault weapons in the private sector the military and the police would lose their guns?

Denny Crane: And the dominos. It's the whole theory. She's a liberal. Can't even hunt.

Alan Shore: Isn't it pretty much the opinion of the Boston Police Department that he committed these murders?

Detective John Stephenson: Yes.

Alan Shore: Thank you. I'm sure you pretty much meant to include that in your testimony but forgot. Oh! Mrs Piper came to you a week before Mr Ferrion was killed. Didn't she?

Detective John Stephenson: She did.

Alan Shore: Told you she feared Mr Ferrion would kill again.

Detective John Stephenson: Yes.

Alan Shore: Relayed to you Bernard's comments about how the next time he'd be sure to leave little clues like the BTK killer. She tell you that, Detective?

Detective John Stephenson: Yes.

Alan Shore: And after she told you all this, you did what Detective?

Detective John Stephenson: I told her there wasn't enough to make an arrest.

Alan Shore: You sent her away? Tell me Detective, have you considered if you'd heeded Catherine Piper's warnings Bernard Ferrion might still be alive?

D.A Valerie Murrow: Objection!

Alan Shore: Withdrawn. Moving forward a bit to Bernard Ferrion's demise. So? You found him dead? Conducted a Sherlock Holmesian investigation which lead, at last, to Catherine Piper's doorstep.

Detective John Stephenson: No. She came to us.

Alan Shore: Oh! She came to you?

Detective John Stephenson: Yes.

Alan Shore: Well you certainly left that out, didn't you?

Denny Crane: I heard about Tara. I feel your hurt.

Alan Shore: What's most upsetting Denny is, I don't hurt.

Denny Crane: So I don't have to hug you and tell you, "I'm there for you." and all that crap?

Alan Shore: We can skip it.

Shirley Schmidt: What in God's name!?

Denny Crane: And it is in God's name, Shirley! The right to bear arms. Second commandment.

Shirley Schmidt: That would be the second amendment.

Denny Crane: That's…Same difference. I should be first-chairing this case. If anybody should be the poster-boy for guns in this country…

Shirley Schmidt: It should be you. Denny. Congressman Jacobs is for the assault weapon ban. Did you know that?

Denny Crane: What do you mean he's for the, the ban?

Shirley Schmidt: He let it lapse, because sometimes in politics, there are politics. But in principal he's for the ban.

Denny Crane: Well, if he supports the law, then agrees to let it lapse! Then that would make him…

Shirley Schmidt: A Democrat. You're giving representation to a Democrat.

Denny Crane: I feel devalued. I always wanted to go out with my pride. Failing that at least my old time slot. I wish I was never great.

Alan Shore: Because…?

Denny Crane: Because, I remember. When God strips you of your talent, he should at least have the decency to strip away the memory of having had any.

Congressman Raymond Jacobs: Look. The ban on assault weapons, the Democrats are for it, the Republicans are for it, the police are for it, eighty percent of the public is for it, and we don't have it. That should tell you how powerful the gun lobby is.

Denny Crane: That was horrible testimony.

Shirley Schmidt: Alright, Denny.

Denny Crane: What was the strategy? Can someone please explain it to me?

Shirley Schmidt: The strategy was there was nothing our client could really do to renew the ban. He's therefore not the proximate cause of the plaintiff's injury.

Denny Crane: But that's defensive! Why be defensive when justice is on our side?

Denise Bauer: Justice being…?

Denny Crane: Guns! There are more guns in American households than pets for God's sakes. More guns than cells phones! Guns are hot.

Denise Bauer: It's not that simple, Denny.

Denny Crane: It's as simple as this. You don't get on the stand and say, "I'm sorry for not doing the right thing." You testify, "I did the right thing!" That's how you win lawsuits. You're right! Even when you're wrong!

Shirley Schmidt: Awfully tiny cigar.

Denny Crane: It's the kind of cigar that goes along with our wimpy defense today.

Shirley Schmidt: Denise and I were discussing it. We think you're right. We think maybe, maybe our approach should be, "Guns are good".

Denny Crane: But of course they are.

Shirley Schmidt: The thing is I don't really believe it, Denny. Nor does Denise. And jurys can always tell when lawyer are being disingenuous. We need you to close.

Denny Crane: Me? Hmm. He sighs. Thing is, Shirley I don't, I, I don't really do that. I'm more of a… effect.

Shirley Schmidt: This is a big client who's responsible for awarding this firm many government contracts. We need you to pull this out.

Denny Crane: The, the thing about closing Shirley is too many words. I, I, I can't remember the… Mad Cow.

Shirley Schmidt: You don't have to remember words, Denny. This is about assault weapons. Just speak from your heart. This is about what's dear.

Alan Shore: Now what are you doing?

Denny Crane: Shirley asked me to close. I need more time to prepare. I really, I can't… just… So I'm copying yours.

Alan Shore: What do you mean you're copying mean?

Denny Crane: Your closing. It's good stuff. Do you write it?

Alan Shore: You can't just copy my closing.

Denny Crane: Why not? We're on the same team. Don't be such a girl.

Alan Shore: Denny we have completely different cases.

Denny Crane: So what? It's not like the jury really listens.

Alan Shore: In 2003 we had 16,500 murders in this country. 6200 went unsolved. On another 4000 we made arrests! The defendants eventually went free. We don't catch killers in this country. Since 1960 200,000 murders have gone unsolved. Forget about the ones where we just failed to convict! For 200,000 we were baffled! Ask me, we could use a few more vigilantes. Now! You swing that skillet at your own risk, I grant you. Kill an innocent person? Off to prison you should go. But Catherine Piper didn't do that. Catherine Piper tried law and order. She was scared for her life. She did fear for the safety of others. And in the heat of that fear she swung that skillet! Accomplishing in the process something the police couldn't. She got the bad guy. Now, I certainly don't want a society where people start arbitrarily taking the law into their own hands. I know you don't. But society certainly isn't safeguarded, nor is it remotely benefited by putting Catherine Piper in prison. Unlike the District Attorney, I don't think we're a country inextricably bound up with law and order or some National integrity. I like to think we're a people. Mostly about humanity. And humanity isn't about the right to trumpet moral superiority. Humanity is about compassion, even forgiveness. Catherine Piper in all her fear reacted in a very human way. She's here now asking you to do the same.

Catherine Piper: I thought you'd be better.

Atty. Christopher Palmer: Like Congressman Jacobs says, "Everybody wants the ban on assault weapons." The Democrats. The Republicans. The police. Seventy-eight percent of the public? And yet, we don't have it. Why? The Senate majority leader has said, and I quote, "The will of the American people is consistent with letting it expire." Is that consistent with your will? With yours? What the hell is going on here? The NRA has them all terrified! How powerful is this lobby? Senator Kerry, in his bid to get elected President, was advised that he had to go out and shoot an animal and to be photographed doing so. He's a wind-surfer for God's sake! Well, enough is enough. It is time to hold Congress accountable. 30,000 deaths by firearms every year in this country. And we can't ban assault weapons? People need them for personal protection? To hunt? And now we actually have legislation pending in Washington that will literally shield the gun manufacturers from being sued. Even for negligence. We can sue doctors, big tobacco, asbestos but the gun industry gets its own special legislation granting them immunity. What the hell is going on? Where are our elected officials? This one vowed to fight the gun industry. Took campaign contributions on the promise that he would. And what did Alex Naughton get in return? His sixteen year-old nephew, while buying a quart of milk, was mowed down by two AK47's.

Denny Crane: It was a shot heard around the world. Remember? Not the punch. Not the stabbing. It was a shot. To rally the minutemen to defeat the Red Coats at Lexington. This nation began with a gun. Will go down with a gun. Or maybe, if we have them, won't go down at all. Let me tell you about assault weapons. The FBI now reports that terrorists are coming to America to get them because it's easier to procure them here. Now I ask you, how can we supply terrorists with AK47's and not give them to our own people? That may sound crazy but part of being an American in the Wild West was we came armed! It's in the bill of sale for God's sake.

Shirley Schmidt: She whispers. Bill of Rights.

Denny Crane: In our National Anthem we've got bombs bursting in air for God's sake. We drive around with our shotguns on the outside of our pickup so the neighbors will see 'em. And! No one talks about this out loud of course, but things might have turned out differently for the nephew of the plaintiff if he had had his own automatic weapon. First sound of Democracy came from a gun like this one. And that's why the ban on assault weapons has been allowed to lapse. It's all about our basic civil rights. It's about Democracy. It's about freedom! Denny Crane.

Catherine Piper: Thank you. You know, in all the time I've known you Alan. I don't think I've ever hugged you.

Alan Shore: We need to fix that.

Denny Crane: Was it thrilling?

Alan Shore: It actually was. Of all the battles we fight, we don't often get to wage them on behalf of people we genuinely care about.

Shirley Schmidt: Boys! She joins them.

Denny Crane: Any word?

Shirley Schmidt: The jury's still out. Which is a miracle. Denny your closing was nothing short of unbelievable.

Denny Crane: Thank you.

Shirley Schmidt: We might actually have a chance of winning this, although, well you heard me say miracle. I, I just wanted to say that you intermittently made sense in there and…

Denny Crane: You'll have sex with me? Come on. At least pet the musket.

Shirley Schmidt: I have a dinner. But because you've been so good. Denny Crane.

Denny Crane: Whooo. A quickie.

Alan Shore: Nothing for my musket?

Shirley Schmidt: Another time.

Denny Crane: Hmm. Alan you were right. I still am Denny Crane. I still got it. And I've decided for my New Year's resolution I'm gonna remember that. What's your resolution?

Alan Shore: It's October.