Tortured Souls (115)
Still Crazy After All These Years
Catch and Release
Change of Course
And Eye for an Eye
Truth Be Told
From Whence We Came
It Girls and Beyond
Till We Meat Again
Let Sales Ring
Death By Not Proud
The Black Widow
A Whiff and a Prayer
Men to Boys
Witches of Mass Destruction
Truly Madly, Deeply
Ass Fat Jungle
The Cancer Man Can
Alan Shore: Why am I here, Shirley?
Shirley Schmidt: We represent the police union and accordingly the officer. I need you to second chair me at the trial.
Alan Shore: Can't do it.
Shirley Schmidt: You don't mean to say that.
Alan Shore: You're right. The word is "won't."
Shirley Schmidt: You have more experience with criminal defense.
Alan Shore: I like my clients to have a modicum of humanity.
Shirley Schmidt: Don't we all? In the meantime…
Alan Shore: I'm not doing it, Shirley. That officer disgusts me. I won't contribute to his freedom.
Shirley Schmidt: I wasn't expecting you to do it for him! Is that what you think, silly? See, I expect you to do it because this firm pays you $375,000 a year. That's a lot of money, Alan, and we expect you to work for it. Even when it requires doing things that don't quite agree with you. I expect you to do it because a senior partner is… oh, no, check that… the senior partner is asking you to do it. I expect you to do it because you so often refer to lawyers as unprincipled, soulless, whores. Well, for the next few days, I need you to be my whore. And if that so offends you, I guess you could always quit. But I warn you, you will be missed. For at least all of five minutes.
Chelina Hall: It must settle. Suing a man for being left at the altar...
Frannie Huber: In front of 300 people.
Chelina Hall: Courts don't like to get involved with breakups. Not to discount your pain, which I'm sure is real. We are looking at the very real possibility of a directed verdict against us. In light of that, my recommendation is that you accept the offer.
Frannie Huber: Uh, for $175,000?
Chelina Hall: Yes.
Frannie Huber: Oh...no. Um, Denny Crane promised me more. Heh, heh.
Chelina Hall: How much did he promise you, Frannie?
Frannie Huber: Five million.
Denny Crane: Alan, come on. We hate all our clients. It's good to hate. It allows us to overcharge and still sleep at night.
Alan Shore: I thought her gamesmanship would at least be more nuanced.
Shirley Schmidt: Alan? I'm sorry for becoming abrupt last night. The simple fact is I need you. It's a difficult case. Also, for what it's worth, I've been known to get contentious with men I unconsciously want to bed. I can't possibly imagine wanting to have sex with you, but then again, I did sleep with Denny. Ah, we should go. The trial starts at ten o'clock.
Alan Shore: I will do the case. Sit by her side. For no other reason than to solve her.
Chelina Hall: Mr. Crane, did you tell the client we could get her five million dollars?
Denny Crane: I might've. So?
Chelina Hall: Case values out in the low six figures. That's assuming it doesn't get tossed out on public policy grounds.
Denny Crane: Listen, young lady. First rule of thumb in practicing law, always, always promise the client millions and millions of dollars. It's good business.
Denny Crane: Gotta admire your guts. Take a piece of the old man. There's a fire in the belly!
Donny Crane: Yeah, you're an old man. Just not mine. Remember?
Denny Crane: Yeah. Things is, I like you. Actually, I love you. That's a difficult thing for Denny Crane to say. Unless it's part of foreplay. I love ya', Donny. And I'm concerned that you go up against me in a court of law, you'll...I might as well just come out and say it: I can't be beat.
Donny Crane: Really?
Denny Crane: Never lost. Never will.
Donny Crane: I beat you in the salmon case.
Denny Crane: You beat Brad Chase. Me? Undefeated.
Donny Crane: I see. Well. How do I put this? I took this case mainly to kick your fat lying ass. I mean that in a good way. I will beat you.
Denny Crane: No, you won't.
Donny Crane: Yes, I will.
Denny Crane: Won't.
Donny Crane: I Will.
Denny Crane: Won't.
Donny Crane: Will!
Denny Crane: Son.
Donny Crane: Don't call me that.
Denny Crane: I'm going to tell you this one more time with all the humility I can summon up: I'm the greatest trial attorney that ever lived. You will not beat me.
Donny Crane: What are you saying? If he didn't feel committed he should've married you just the same 'cause the catering was paid for?
Frannie Huber: If he didn't feel committed, what were we doing up there? I, I was standing in my gown, my wedding dress.
Donny Crane: But this is love, Frannie. It takes funny, unexpected bounces. We're talking about emotions of the heart.
Denny Crane: Objection. Sounds like a girly man.
Donny Crane: Move to strike!
Denny Crane: That's better.
Shirley Schmidt: Ah. You were investigating. Tell me, when did first hear about my client's conduct?
Captain Larry McDonald: I can't really recall.
Shirley Schmidt: Maybe I can help out. The, uh, victim made a complaint and filed a written report the day that it happened. His family members verified it. You had knowledge of my client's disgraceful acts from day one, didn't you, Captain? And yet, when they recovered the child, you held a press conference singing the praises of your officers, including Mr. Kirkland. Then when the footage went out over the airways, suddenly, my client's conduct became disgraceful.
Alan Shore: I haven't the slightest idea what's going on. I'm on this case for no apparent reason. Catherine!
Catherine Piper: Oh. Hello, dear.
Alan Shore: I do not want you befriending Bernard Ferrion.
Catherine Piper: Gee, you say that almost as if it's any of your business.
Alan Shore: The man has murdered two people. It is unsafe for you to keep his company.
Catherine Piper: I've managed to survive for eighty-two years...
Alan Shore: He's dangerous and he...
Catherine Piper: My word would be "desperate."
Alan Shore: Catherine, Bernard Ferrion is evil. He will likely murder again. And you? If there was ever a person who deserved a whack on the head...?
Alan Shore: Shirley. If you so enjoy keeping me in the dark, you really should give me a try. In the dark.
Alan Shore: Catherine? Are you witnessing this?
Catherine Piper: Why don't you give him a chance for God's sake?
Alan Shore: How about we leave God out of this? I hired you to be a legal secretary. Not to bring God or anybody else into the office. Certainly not serial killers. Note the look on his face, Catherine. That's what's commonly known as your psychotic glare. Don't anyone ask this man to whip up an omelet!!
Bernard Ferrion: You were my friend.
Alan Shore: And I thought you were mine!! And you know what you did to me after I got you out? You killed again! You got blood on my hands that will never come out! Friends don't do that, Bernie! Friends don't do that!
Alan Shore: Is there a moral?
Shirley Schmidt: This brings us to the dark. The jury in that case somehow found it in their conscience to pay those officers millions of dollars. Obviously, there was some human nature in play. We need to stand up in front of our jury and tell then what our client did was a good thing. It's not in me to sell that.
Alan Shore: And you think it's in me?
Shirley Schmidt: I certainly don't know all of you, Alan. Perhaps not even much. But you seem to have a capacity to see darkness in people's hearts. I need you to exploit the ugliness in human nature in a way that I cannot.
Alan Shore: I think you're underestimating your own capacity to see darkness in hearts.
Alan Shore: The truth is, as Americans we love torture. We keep it to ourselves of course. But come on, when it comes to evildoers? Torture's okay. Hollywood certainly knows that. Dirty Harry. Boom. Charles Bronson in Death Wish. Denzel Washington in Man on Fire. Heroes torturing the bad guys. In theaters all across the country we cheered. We like torture! Is there potential for abuse? Without question. The events at Abu Ghraib prison were deplorable. But do we really think they happened in a vacuum? Alberto Gonzalez, our Attorney General, wrote a memo to the administration saying torture's okay. Our Supreme Court just recently held that evidence gained from torture can be used in trials. Alan Dershowitz, one of the leading civil rights activists in our country, raised the idea of using torture warrants so as to at least to be more open about it. Torture warrants. Love that torture. Shhhh. Mr. Preston talks about the witness here being an innocent man. Now come on. He wasn't that innocent. He did harbor a fugitive. One who kidnaps and kills children. He did have information that ultimately led to the rescue of the child here. And he refused to give it up until he was… coerced. As for my client being above the law? Well, the law in this country has always been subject to evolving community standards of humanity. So the twelve of you get to go back there, as a community, and asks yourselves "Was this a good thing or not?" He's happy. He's alive. They're sure as hell happy. My client saved a life! That little boy's life. If it were your child wouldn't you want the police to do whatever was necessary? This officer got the job done using a method that our government, our military, our attorney general and, yes, even our Supreme Court has said is sometimes okay. Sometimes. Depending on the situation. Torture's okay. Just don't tell anybody.
Denny Crane: Your first mistake was letting me push your buttons in there. Your second, was not preparing your client for cross. He admitted fault. He admitted the harm was foreseeable. You let me frame the issue as the groom's duty to be sure before the ceremony. Once we got that, we won. Never, ever let the other side frame the issue, son.
Donny Crane: I'm not your son. Could you please go?
Denny Crane: Your third mistake. Definition of a father. It's a sliding scale. Some are great, some are terrible, most are in between. I may not have been around much. But I was always there when you needed me. Still am. And I've always loved you. Still do.
Shirley Schmidt: Thank you, Alan. And I apologize if I offended you.
Alan Shore: Nonsense. You paid great tribute to my lawyering skills, Shirley. What higher compliment could there be?
Shirley Schmidt: Alan? Listen, I... Your capacity to see darkness; we all have it I suppose, including me. My point is it was simply a dirty job and I chose to let you do it.
Alan Shore: No, the point is I was willing to do it. And you somehow saw that.
Chelina Hall: Ahem. Your secretary said you wanted to see me.
Denny Crane: She told you that?
Chelina Hall: Is there some reason why she shouldn't have?
Denny Crane: I said I wanted to see you naked. I don't suppose there's much chance of that.