Ass Fat Jungle (208)

Season 1
Head Cases
Still Crazy After All These Years
Catch and Release
Change of Course
And Eye for an Eye
Truth Be Told
Questionable Characters
Loose Lips
Greater Good
Hired Guns
Schmidt Happens
From Whence We Came
It Girls and Beyond
Till We Meat Again
Tortured Souls
Let Sales Ring
Death By Not Proud

Season 2
The Black Widow
Finding Nimmo
A Whiff and a Prayer
Men to Boys
Witches of Mass Destruction
Truly Madly, Deeply
Ass Fat Jungle
Legal Deficits
The Cancer Man Can

Denny Crane: Night terrors?

Alan Shore: I haven't had them in years. Usually it's brought on by distress. Maybe it's my breakup with Tara.

Denny Crane: You jump off balconies?

Alan Shore: I could, where I happen to be living. I see images of someone or something after me, and in my sleep I run. It's awful.

Denny Crane: Last week it was clowns.

Alan Shore: Denny? How would you feel about sleeping with me? Next to me. Until this passes. Just to make sure I don't leap off the fourteenth floor.

Denny Crane: You'll do anything to get me into bed.

Denny Crane: Because we're friends I'm gonna tell you something that nobody else knows. I'm homophobic.

Alan Shore: I'm stunned.

Denny Crane: Look. I'd do almost anything for you. But I cannot share my bed. Be a man. Get a girl.

Alan Shore: Melissa. From what I gather, you seem to be having some financial difficulties. Would you like to earn some extra money, Melissa?

Melissa: Ah, how?

Alan Shore: I have a condition it's called 'Night Terrors'. During the deepest levels of non-REM sleep, I hear voices, terrifying voice. And sometimes I run. Since I'm sound asleep when I'm running this puts me in significant physical danger.

Melissa: Uh huh?

Alan Shore: I need somebody to guard me at night.

Melissa: When you say guard?

Alan Shore: I need you to lie in the bed with me. Should I get up to run outside? Stop me.

Melissa: How stupid do you think I am?

Alan Shore: So you'll think about it?

Melissa: Standard service agreement contract, mostly boiler plate. The language of what I will and will not do is quite specific. So there won't be any Clintonian mishaps. Is means is.

Alan Shore: No touching! No cuddling. No sex. You've taken out all the fun.

Paul Lewiston: Well evidently you need the speech. Like it or not, this job gets dirty from time to time. What the hell is going on here?!

Shirley Schmidt: It's just…Preying on somebody with Alzheimer's when… Obviously I'm a little sensitive, given…

Denny Crane: Given what? I say if a woman's brain has turned to oatmeal let's throw in a few raisins and have her for breakfast.

Denny Crane: I'm sure by this time tomorrow she won't have any memory of how despicable you were. Can I buy you dinner, or something, Shirley?

Shirley Schmidt: Some other time. Thank you.

Denny Crane: Thing is I'm having these night terrors? I'm afraid to be alone at night?

Denny Crane: Oh alright! I'll sleep with you in your room, but not in the bed.

Alan Shore: Denny, you sleep like a log. I'd have to step on your head for you to stir.