Let Sales Ring (116)

Season 1
Head Cases
Still Crazy After All These Years
Catch and Release
Change of Course
And Eye for an Eye
Truth Be Told
Questionable Characters
Loose Lips
Greater Good
Hired Guns
Schmidt Happens
From Whence We Came
It Girls and Beyond
Till We Meat Again
Tortured Souls
Let Sales Ring
Death By Not Proud

Season 2
The Black Widow
Finding Nimmo
A Whiff and a Prayer
Men to Boys
Witches of Mass Destruction
Truly Madly, Deeply
Ass Fat Jungle
Legal Deficits
The Cancer Man Can

Denny Crane: My friend, I can't tell you how good it is to see you. I gotta be honest with you, I thought you were dead.

Milton Bombay: Never felt better in my life.

Denny Crane: Oh, come on. That's a lie. Look at you.

How's Sylvie?

Milton Bombay: Sylvie is dead.

Denny Crane: Fantastic. And the kids?

Milton Bombay: Denny, the last time we spoke you mentioned that despite astronomical odds you managed to become yet an even better lawyer.

Denny Crane: Hard to believe, isn't it?

Milton Bombay: I have a motion which obviously I'm quite capable of arguing myself, being more talented than you...

Denny Crane: No, you're not.

Milton Bombay: I also happen to be the client. The case is also extremely unconventional. I want to be frozen.

Denny Crane: What do you mean?

Milton Bombay: I mean I want to be frozen and stored in a cryonic institute.

Denny Crane: What do you mean?

Milton Bombay: I'm 78 years old. It won't be long before my body starts to wither. I've lived a full life. The technology will soon exist that I will be able to double that life. I wanna be frozen and stored until such time that technology becomes a reality.

Denny Crane: What do you mean?

Milton Bombay: I mean when I leave this world I don't want it to be forever, which means for now I wanna frozen!

Denny Crane: What do you mean?

Shirley Schmidt: Milton, I consider you a friend. Actually, I don't, I find you a bit boorish. But, I have always enjoyed your unfettered candor and in the spirit of that candor, the case cannot be won. Given that this is the only lifetime you'll ever get to have, please don't waste what's left of it in the vast cavernous sinkhole known as our system of jurisprudence.

Milton Bombay: I made my life in that system. I rose to the very top of this system.

Denny Crane: No, you didn't.

Shirley Schmidt: Milton, no Judge is going to let you be euthanized and stashed in a Sub-Zero.

Milton Bombay: We cannot know that unless we try, Shirley.

Shirley Schmidt: I know you recently retired. Is this...?

Milton Bombay: And please do not proffer psychological counsel. I came in here in search of legal and intellectual acuity.

Shirley Schmidt: And you sought out Denny?

Milton Bombay: I assure you this is something I considered with all due gravity. I came to a decision and now I appeal to you as my attorney to help me execute that decision. Do I make myself clear?

Shirley Schmidt: Perfectly. We're talking about your execution.

Lori Colson: Wait. This firm is actually going to help Milton Bombay be put on ice?

Catherine Piper: Oh, come now, Lori, you of all people should know it's not so bad to go through life as a Popsicle.

Lori Colson: What is that supposed to mean?

Catherine Piper: Nothing. My! Everybody's so sensitive. Can't we all just get along?

Milton Bombay: He kicked their ass! And the best part of it was he had integrity, which is what you need in your expert. What'd he cost us?

Shirley Schmidt: Twenty-five hundred.

Milton Bombay: The whore!

Milton Bombay: Can I talk to you in private for a second, please? I uh, I didn't want to embarrass you in front of your superiors, but it seems to me the controlling case on this would be Cruzon. The whole thrust of Rehnquist's opinion was autonomy--the patient's right to decide.

Tara Wilson: The opinion was muddled. It was essentially three-pronged: autonomy, the patient's best interest, and the state's interest to preserve life. You'd win on prong one, but you'd likely lose on prongs two and three.

Steven Harper: I hate the idea of shutting down free expression, but this became more of a safety issue.

Attorney Elizabeth Tyler: A safety issue?

Steven Harper: They've got their talk show hosts declaring that anyone who is opposed to the war is an enemy of the state. A traitor! We're getting more and more fights. Kids are being attacked for being unpatriotic. Arab and Muslim students are being targeted. Maybe this little device is overkill, I admit that, but I've got a high school to run, and the first order of the day is keep the kids safe.

Alan Shore: I thought the first order of an academic community was embracing diversity of opinion.

Steven Harper: Not when it's a bias that fosters intolerance.

Steven Harper: And as principal I have to make that call. And let me say this: I am a proud American. I got a flag on my porch. I pray for those troops every night. I taught some of those kids. They're over there fighting for democracy which includes the right for you to question your government. And for this network to be saying otherwise offends me as a citizen and as a principal.

Alan Shore: I see. So…? You're squashing content to promote democracy.

Steven Harper: Once again, I will shut down any content that fosters intolerance. That is where I stand.

Denny Crane: I know Mi... I, I go way back with Milton. I know Milton like the back of my hand. He knows he's gonna lose that motion. No risk of him being frozen. In the meantime he's all over the news. I'm tellin' ya, man wants to be me!

Shirley Schmidt: Even so. I'm gonna have a little talk with him.

Denny Crane: He's gonna insist you go to Nicky Blair's. Watch.

Shirley Schmidt: Sorry?

Denny Crane: He pays them to let him sing.

Shirley Schmidt: I beg your pardon?

Denny Crane: He slips the maître d' a hundred bucks to come over to the table and say, "Please, Mr Bombay, sing us a song." It's all about the limelight with Milton. I promise ya.

Milton Bombay: So? What's the point?

Shirley Schmidt: The point?

Milton Bombay: Of us having dinner. What's the point? If it's sexual, I'll need notice, so I can take my little pill.

Shirley Schmidt: You asked to have dinner with Tara? What was the point of that?

Milton Bombay: With her, I wouldn't need a pill.

Milton Bombay: I happen to believe in reincarnation. And I also believe things even out. Given the hand I was dealt this time. I could be in for some serious hardships the next go-around. And I don't want that in my next life. I wanna be me all over again. Milton Bombay!

Shirley Schmidt: As I said from the start, the law doesn't support us here. If we're going to get a court order allowing you to die, which would be the result in today's world. That Judge is going to have to hear from you.

Milton Bombay: He did hear from me.

Shirley Schmidt: I don't think so. If this is only about you getting to perpetuate your legacy in the next century, I'm afraid you're gonna have to make do with sustaining it in this one. You need to do better. And Milton, for my money, any guy who's asking to get stuck in a freezer isn't that desperate to live.

Alan Shore: Your Honor, before we convict them as the network of Conservative values, or any values for that matter, let's remember these are the folks who brought you Joe Billionaire and Who's your Papa?

Judge Peter Harding: That's the entertainment division, Mr Shore. I'm talking about the news.

Alan Shore: And I'm telling you it's all the same. This isn't about political content. This is corporation looking to make money. They began as alternative news programming to grab a market share. They saw ratings and profit in a Conservative demographic and they've been waving the flag ever since and so what! News today, all of it, is infotainment. Last February a deadly toxin known as Rizen was found in the mail room of the Senate majority leader. Headline news led with Janet Jackson's exposed breast. A month ago, while we're in the middle of a war, news casts all across the country led with Prince Harry's costume at a keg party. It's a business! And while some news groups go with the deeper social issues like Brad and Jennifer's breakup, the one here chooses to run with red, white and blue. And by the way, before you vilify them, a survey done in 2002 revealed that 70 percent of the people in this country believe it is good when news organizations take a strong, pro-American, point of view. 70 percent!

Judge Peter Harding: Does that make it right?

Alan Shore: Of course it makes it right! Because the rule in infotainment is, give the people what they want. This is money, Your Honor, not politics.

Alan Shore: I watch it all. On days like 9/11 or for other world-changing events the news programs are nothing short of spectacular. When Martin Luther King delivered I Have a Dream. When President Kennedy was shot. When we walked on the moon. The Ted Offensive? Are lives are shaped by these events, in part because of the news. But on all other days they're businesses, looking to compete like anybody else in a highly competitive marketplace. They sell product. And even if you're determined to believe that this particular network is some evil empire looking to spread right-wing propaganda, that still doesn't change the fact that we're in this room today, because a principal is shutting down the expression of ideas simply because he disagrees with the content. If anything needs a champion today, it's the First Amendment. In a recent poll, half of today's high school students thought newspapers should get government approval of stories before publishing them. The First Amendment has become an endangered species, and here we have a high school principal practicing censorship. My, my. We do have a problem.

Milton Bombay: At the risk of sounding immodest, I am one of the greatest lawyers, possibly the greatest to grace the courtrooms of this commonwealth. And just the possibility of being to still try cases in the twentysecond century. Uh, I have ALS. In a few months I'll lose motor control, control of my bowels, my brain will begin to… ha, ha. In a year or so I'll be dead. Legends shouldn't die like that. I don't wanna die like that. Cryonics might not work, but a hundred years ago nobody was talking about cloning, or the human genome, and a hundred years from now, who knows what's possible? I truly, truly, love life, and the chance to be living again seems preferable to eternal nothingness. And uh, ha, well, what, what Red Sox fan wouldn't jump at the chance to lie next to Ted Williams? I realize, Your Honor, that no Judge would do what I'm asking for. Do it anyway.

Denny Crane: Why didn't you tell me you were sick?

Milton Bombay: Because I'm a tree. When I fall I want it to be in a forest.

Denny Crane: What the hell does that mean?

Alan Shore: Sorry.

Denny Crane: Hey. People get old. Get sick. Happens to everybody.

Alan Shore: How close were you?

Denny Crane: It's not that we went that deep. It's… we went…

Alan Shore: Way back.

Denny Crane: You can be larger than life, just not dead.

Alan Shore: He went off to Arizona?

Denny Crane: Yeah. I really admired him more than… You go through life and you never tell people how much you care about em, when… People should probably do that more, you know?

Alan Shore: I care about you.

Denny Crane: I wasn't fishing for that. Fish for steelhead, not mush.

Alan Shore: I care about you, Denny. You don't have to say it back.

Denny Crane: Wasn't planning to.